There is a shift in the traditional definition of words related to marriage in an article in The Times newspaper, headlined “Fidelity isn’t important, but loyalty is”.

This is the viewpoint of Philip, married to Libby who had an affair.

Their marriage survived: at least they are still physically together. Whether they are really together is another matter.

An affair is not unsalvageable. A marriage is not automatically over if one or both partners stray. Even so, it’s important to look at the reasons for the relationship breakdown, and at sensible ways of repairing it, if indeed it can be.

Philip received some ‘interesting’ advice from his psychotherapist aunt:

She gave him a way of seeing the challenge differently, saying that even within marriage each partner is entitled to keep a part of their life private from the other, even to the extent of taking a lover.

Perhaps this is why Philip came to the conclusion that Libby needed more ‘freedom’ from her two children and relationship with him.

I find this hard to reconcile.

Maybe I’m just too traditional, but I’m of the belief that marriage and all that can go with it is a commitment. It is not supposed to be a prison, but neither can each partner expect the same level of freedom that they experienced when single.

Children are a commitment. It’s tragic to say that a mother seeks ‘freedom’ from her children by having an affair, and I don’t buy that explanation. It’s incredibly selfish and deviant if it is the reason. More likely is a dissatisfaction with her husband.

Hence, the relationship has deteriorated. People don’t have affairs if everything is good at home, unless they’re completely selfish and heartless.

Libby and Philip’s new ‘agreement’ is that they don’t even mention whether her affair is open.

I’d be pretty keen to know if an extra-marital relationship had finished – not to control the other person, but to start again from a level playing field. However much they now say they trust one another, how can either be sure that the other is faithful?

Mind you, in this marriage, at least, they seem to care little for that side of things, so long as there is a loyalty, seemingly measured only in whether each partner returns home each night.

That’s a shallow imitation of what loyalty really is; they’re kidding themselves if they think they’ve fully healed.

Libby perversely says:

“You can either deal with an affair by letting the marriage fall apart or you can accept that an affair can take place within a healthy marriage, which is what we’ve done.”

Sorry, Libby, I totally disagree. If your marriage were healthy, you would not have strayed. Period.

Philip is convinced that this is the way forward for marriage in general.

More fool you, Philip. Let’s see how you cope the next time you know your wife is sleeping away from home.

Read the full article: Fidelity isn’t important, but loyalty is