Sex on the first date: liberated or easy?

I’m not particularly surprised that, when it comes to attitudes about sex and dating, there’s still quite a gap between the genders.

A new survey by the free online dating site Smooch of its 37,000-strong member base found that, while 65% of men think that a woman who has sex on a first date is liberated, the same proportion of women think it’s unacceptable.

Female respondents were cautious and judgemental with comments such as:

• If he wants to do that with you, he’s probably tried it with
  everyone
• He won’t respect you if you do
• I don’t want to be another notch in the bedpost

Conversely male respondents were eager to see such actions in the best possible light:

• Most of my long term relationships have started with first date sex – the chemistry was irresistible!
• Women who think it’s ‘easy’ are living in the dark ages and
  that’s what I’d find offputting
• If it feels right do it! I wouldn’t date a woman who let
  calculations override her emotions

So, liberated or easy? What do you think?

Sex may be as good as going to the gym for body workout

It’s not the best reason to want to have sex with a partner, but a new survey suggests that many people (over a quarter) are initiating intimacy as a way to trim their bodies and lose a few pounds.

Nearly half of those questioned believe that an energetic sex session gives them a better workout than they would get at the gym.

The poll of 3,000 Brits also revealed that non gym goers are getting similar benefits to those who regularly exercise at a health club by hitting the sack with their loved one.

The research shows the average Brit has sex an average of three times a week, lasting 24 minutes a session, yet the typical gym member will only fare four minutes better, by exercising twice a week, spending 38 minutes working out each time and their hard earned cash on expensive membership fees.

16% of fitness freaks questioned said they count sex as being part of their exercise regime, which isn’t surprising as 11% of people claim to feel completely exhausted after a workout between the sheets, and another third always feel tired and out of breath.

More than three quarters end up sweating, with 40% saying they sweat more after sex, than they do after a gym session.

Britain may also see its population fitness levels rocket further as more than half of the Brits surveyed say they are planning to have more sex in 2009 and 27% claim to be having more sex thanks to the credit crunch.

However, the energetic sex doesn’t always go to plan as 37% have suffered an injury after getting too frisky.

Director of onjoy.com Monique Carty said, “The average lovemaking session can burn between 50 and 100 calories. This means that having sex three times a week burns 7500 calories per year, the equivalent of jogging 75 miles! With the gloomy weather and shorter days, Brits should embrace the health benefits of sex by staying longer in bed with their partner – and shape up at the same time.”

Women catching up to men in promiscuity, and that’s just the forty-somethings

While online dating websites may not correlate exactly with wider society, an interesting study from free dating site PlentyOfFish.com has concluded that women’s promiscuity – or at least their intentions of – has doubled in the last four years.

In 2004, around 9% stated that they were looking for sex via the “intimate encounter” option. That figure is now around 18%.

With some ten million members, the male-female ratio of those looking for long-term relationships or traditional dates has remained consistent at 55:45, but three years ago, men looking primarily for sex outnumbered women by ten to one. That’s now down to 5:1, with a prediction that in ten years’ time, there’ll be equality in promiscuity.

Suggesting that the female lifestyles portrayed in “Sex In the City” and the like may have something to do with a shifting societal attitude, Markus Frind, CEO of Plentyoffish.com, says, “Our average user, among males and females, is between 38 and 42 years old. Yet, the data shows that the behaviour exhibited is more of what you would expect from those in their early 20s. Plentyoffish.com statistics may be indicative of a fundamental shift in society and behavioural norms.”

Longer term, of course, this continued shift will have a marked effect on what society considers “family” to be.

Who takes responsibility for marital faithfulness?

Gary Neuman has written a book for women. The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It is a “relationship advice manual” that’s “dedicated to helping wives”.

While I haven’t read the book, Marie Claire magazine suggests that the main thrust of the book is that “women should make certain changes in themselves, to avoid their partner’s eyes from wandering”.

Neuman, a psychotherapist, has based his book on the responses of 25,500 men, some who have remained faithful, and some who have not.

Ninety percent of husbands who had cheated on their wife said that they were significantly dissatisfied with their marriage.

Rather simplistically, Neuman suggests, “Men will eventually find their way into the arms of another if they are not getting enough sex at home.”

Unsurprisingly, the book’s content has riled many women. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s annoyed some men, too.

Who should take responsibility for marriage?

The man?

The woman?

Or should both partners take an equal share of responsibility in maintaining and nurturing their relationship?

Neuman’s soundbite – that men will stray if they don’t get enough sex at home – may well be a gross oversimplification of what’s written in his book, but there’s no doubt that he’s said it.

This assumes that sex – or a lack of it – is the only thing that will make or break a marriage.

It also suggests that Neuman believes men should be entitled to as much sex as they want with their partner (and even this may still not be enough for some), while the woman should simply roll over and take it (if you’ll excuse the phraseology) – regardless of her feelings.

What rot.

A healthy relationship is built on love, communication, trust, and compromise.

These elements not only maintain super-relationships, but help to rescue those that are in danger of going off course before they smash into the rocks and end in unfaithfulness and potential separation.

I wonder if Neuman – or, perhaps, a female equivalent (if there is such a person) – would blame the man if a woman strays?

Stereotypically, the reasoning would be far less to do with sex – the physical act, at least – and far more to do with a lack of attention, disinterest, lack of romance, feelings of being unappreciated, and so on.

Yet, to varying degrees, any number of “issues” can affect a relationship. If left unchecked, it can lead to unfaithfulness, even without any other person becoming involved.

Sex is important in a marriage relationship, and can maintain a strong bond, but it can’t do that in isolation, and isn’t a miracle cure for a decaying relationship.

I’m sure Neuman’s book has much more to say on the subject, but I’ve a horrible feeling all that’s picked up on is that men are portrayed as sex-starved animals who’ll simply go wherever they can be physically fulfilled, while women are their slaves who should be grateful they’ve been picked, and should do all they can to hold on to them.

In the real world, not all men are like that, and many couples take a holistic approach to their relationships.

In fairness, Neuman doesn’t write rubbish, and I believe he is for marriage (great marriages in fact). However, something in “Why Men Stray…” doesn’t sit quite right.

OK, over to you. What do you think? Have you read Neuman’s book? What did you think, honestly? Leave a comment below.

Low sex drive in men more common than the stereotype suggests

Men are always thinking about sex and would have sex all the time if possible.

That’s the basic stereotype of a man, always ready to have sex as many times as possible, right?

And yet, it seems that low sex drive amongst men is a far greater issue than that stereotype would have us believe.

According to recent research from the US, one in five men suffer with a very low sex drive, meaning that they find it difficult or impossible to have sex without the aid of medication. The figure for females is thought to be around 33%.

The main causes are attributed to stress, depression, shame, and anger.

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Stress-linked infertility can be helped with talk therapy

A group of reproductive medical specialists from Indiana have come up with new research which suggests that infertility caused by stress factors can be reversed through various forms of talk counselling.

According to mental health counsellors, many couples unable to conceive anticipate the holidays with dread. “For them, the end of the year becomes another marker in their inability to have children,” said Deidra T. Rausch, PhD, LMFT, an Indiana counsellor specialising in infertility. “Plus, the seasonal emphasis on family can become a painful reminder of their ongoing struggles.”

Fertility physicians believe that reducing stress is key for many infertility patients, with potential for both mental and physical benefits. On the physical side, stress signals the pituitary gland that the body is in trouble, said Laura Reuter, MD, medical director at Midwest Fertility Specialists.

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Trying to conceive? Try a “conception moon” (that’s a honeymoon for would-be parents)

A new survey from Clearblue suggests that over three-quarters of couples surveyed have taken a “conception moon” to help them become pregnant, with four out of ten of those couples successfully conceiving.

New phrases I hadn’t come across before are babymoons – time alone just before a family is started – and conception moons – breaks set up with the explicit purpose of conceiving.

It’s fairly obvious what the main activity on a conception moon is, but planning it should be done carefully so as to coincide with the woman’s most fertile time of the month.

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Half of menopausal women settle for less sex, poll reveals

More than half of US women aged 35 and over are having less sex during the menopause than before. In addition, 76% of those in a committed or long-term relationship said that sex was an important part of their relationship, yet just 45% were satisfied with the amount of sex they have.

“Women today, specifically the boomer generation currently entering or experiencing menopause, are much more open about their needs and seek information more than previous generations, so it’s surprising to me that so many women would settle for a less than satisfying sex life as a result of menopausal symptoms,” said Karen Giblin, founder of the Red Hot Mamas Menopause Management Educational Programs.

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“Morning after pill” could encourage teen sex

Concerns have been raised by the Family and Youth Concern organisation that giving out the “morning after pill” to under 16s can encourage them to have sex.

“It inevitably results in young men putting pressure on vulnerable girls to have sex by telling them that if they are worried about getting pregnant, they can always go to the school nurse and get the morning-after pill without anyone needing to know,” he said.

He cited a number of studies, 23 from 10 countries, that suggests that increased access to the pill has not made any difference to unintended pregnancy or the abortion rate.

Others in Suffolk, where a number of schools now give the morning after pill to girls as young as 13 in complete confidence, disagree.

Emrys Green, chairman of the Bury St Edmunds Youth Council, said, “I think it’s a good thing the morning-after pill can be given out in schools. At least it gives young girls a choice to live their lives and not their parents’ lives.

“It’s their choice whether they want to involve them or not. Just because the morning-after pill is available it doesn’t mean girls will have sex before they’re ready. If they wanted the morning-after pill that bad, they would go to the doctor anyway.”

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FHM set to pull the covers back the globe’s sexual activities

FHM have officially launched the world’s biggest sex survey promising to reveal the world’s inner most sexual desires, turn offs, antics and habits. From Mexico to Malaysia and Sweden to South Africa, 31 countries covering 21 different languages are invited to contribute to what will be the largest search of its type in the history of mankind.

Sexual themes and trends will be exposed, while comparisons will be drawn from the bedroom performances and preferences from nations all around the world. What nation is the most active? Who make the best lovers? Who are the most promiscuous? All will be unveiled!

It is expecting that there will be millions of responses worldwide and there is only one way you can be part of sex history.

To take part in FHM’s Global Sex Survey visit FHM.com where a full list or questions are provided.

Marriage Missing its Spark?

If the fires of passion in your marriage have been reduced nearly to embers, then you are not alone. One of the most common problems that can damage a marriage is the loss of spark, or spice, or whatever you like to call it. It’s really not so easy to get yourself or your partner “in the mood” once you have become very familiar with each other. Of course, it’s wonderful to be familiar with your spouse because familiarity is the basis of intimacy. But intimacy is not the same as passion, is it? Routine is the culprit. If the proper countermeasures are not deployed against routine’s assault on your relationship, then it will drain all the passion right out of your marriage. Routine is a tenacious killer of passion – a suspect in the deaths of over 1 million steamy romances. I know routine comes in very handy for showers and oil changes, but it has no place in the bedroom.

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Anita Clayton interviewed about new book: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy

The Charlottesville News talks to Anita Clayton about her new book “Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy”. The interview covers sex education, self-esteem, overcoming issues of sexuality, and the unrealistic portrayal of women’s sexuality by the media.

An interesting interview of this UVA professor of psychiatry and obstetrics and gynaecology.

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