The bitter confessions of a not-yet-dad

The intimate thoughts of a man who is not yet a father, yet so desperately wants to be. Sometimes shocking, always heartfelt. And, as yet, no end in sight.

Pain of History

We’ve been trying to conceive for over five years now, and we’ve been through our unfair share of heartache, grief, confusion and anger.

As the man, it seems that I’m supposed to recover more quickly from the grief of miscarriage — the loss of our unseen child — yet the wounds have still to heal despite the years that have passed since the last one.

My friends would expect me to be “over it” by now. They don’t really ask any more. If they do, it’s superficial. I guess that’s just another stereotypical “man thing”.

I should be strong for my wife, and indeed I try. The pain ebbs and flows, but never disappears, for either of us.

I don’t have the biological attachment to the children we have lost, or the baby that is yet to come, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not involved; that I don’t ‘feel’ anything.

Anger at Others

When I’m not lost in my own grief, yet not in a good place either, I am embarrassed and shocked at my reaction to others.

I like to think I’m generally tolerant, yet when it comes to adults and their relationships with children, I turn into a raging bull.

Only in my head, of course, or under my breath. Perhaps occasionally out loud — yet so far I’ve got away with not upsetting anyone or getting myself beaten up.

The woman who aborts her unborn child because of inconvenience.

The parents who treat their children like scum.

Or who flippantly dismiss their life, their hurts, their fears, their achievements.

Who slowly (or not so slowly) saps away their life force.

Who complain about their kids — you know, you never had to have kids. I wish you hadn’t. How dare you treat them the way you do?

I would be much better a parent than you.

Of course, I’m always right.

And it’s totally justified for me to imprint my life upon theirs, and call out their mistakes — the ones I would never make — because of what’s missing in my own.

The treadmill

Sometimes, life seems to stand still.

Of course, all the mundane details continue, but sometimes it’s as if it passes in black and white.

I don’t try to waste my life.

I don’t say that a baby is “the answer”, and would make everything right.

We make the best of our lives — we enjoy them as best we can — yet there’s always an undercurrent of thought of what’s missing.

We walk the treadmill as others walk past.

One couple conceives, bears for nine months, has a healthy baby.

A second couple conceives, bears for nine months, has a healthy baby.

A third, and a fourth, and yet a fifth.

It continues.

We watch them pass.

They look back with sympathy, even compassion, but they can do nothing but live their own fruitful lives.

We wouldn’t expect them to.

Yet it doesn’t make things any easier.

The medical farce

And we go for “tests”.

And “more tests”.

We are prodded, and poked, and sometimes patronised.

There are many hoops to jump through (they are kindly passed in front of our treadmill).

And it seems to make no difference.

And I wonder if I even have the strength to keep going to the hospital to see the consultant.

Does it even matter?

When?

So we continue to ask “when?”

My faith is weak. Existent, but weak.

And I wonder how many other not-yet-dads go through this.

Month after month.

Year after year.

We have strength, yes, but it only goes so far.

We are called to be fathers. Good fathers. We can feel it in our whole body.

Yet, for now, we are still denied.

Does this confession ring true? Share, write about your own experiences and link them here. It won’t solve the pain but it may provide solidarity. As we wait.

Image credits: zoutedrop, dcinput, cmcbrown and SomeDriftwood

Business leaders shun fathers’ rights to longer paternity leave

In statements which only seek to reinforce the ridiculous lack of work-life balance prevalent in British society, and that continues to erode the rights of fathers, top business leaders have described new paternity leave proposals as “madness”.

Citing yawn-inducing reasons such as “Britain is only just crawling out of recession”, bigwigs such as David Frost, director general of the British Chambers of Commerce venomously laid into the government proposals.

These leaders are completely fixated on profit and business growth, making no mention of the rights of fathers or the importance of families growing strongly.

Perhaps Mr Frost doesn’t have a family, or was an absent father?

Granted, giving new fathers extra paternity leave doesn’t in itself make for stronger families, and it isn’t a complete answer to allowing a family unit to bond with its new member, but it certainly shouldn’t be sniffed at.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s another snub to the role of the father.

Is it any wonder that we are an increasingly fatherless society? I think not. Yet the role of a good father is vital to the successful upbringing of children.

I’m not suggesting that other family units can’t or don’t work, but when a family unit has stayed together, for heaven’s sake allow it to grow.

It’s clear from a recent survey that many fathers are pressurised into not taking even the pittance of leave they’re entitled to now.

Yes, more regulation could add to the burden on companies, but we need to balance the needs of society with the need to grow strong businesses.

Sex on the first date: liberated or easy?

I’m not particularly surprised that, when it comes to attitudes about sex and dating, there’s still quite a gap between the genders.

A new survey by the free online dating site Smooch of its 37,000-strong member base found that, while 65% of men think that a woman who has sex on a first date is liberated, the same proportion of women think it’s unacceptable.

Female respondents were cautious and judgemental with comments such as:

• If he wants to do that with you, he’s probably tried it with
  everyone
• He won’t respect you if you do
• I don’t want to be another notch in the bedpost

Conversely male respondents were eager to see such actions in the best possible light:

• Most of my long term relationships have started with first date sex – the chemistry was irresistible!
• Women who think it’s ‘easy’ are living in the dark ages and
  that’s what I’d find offputting
• If it feels right do it! I wouldn’t date a woman who let
  calculations override her emotions

So, liberated or easy? What do you think?

Do prisoners have a human right to be fathers? I don’t think so

Forgive me if I’m a little cold-hearted towards a convicted murderer who believes it’s his human right to father a child.

Six British prisoners believe that the Human Rights Act grants them the privilege of donating sperm and artificially inseminating partners who they say will be too old to conceive once they are released from their lengthy prison sentences.

Take Kirk Dickson, 34, who is serving a 15-year minimum sentence for kicking a man to death because he wouldn’t give up a packet of cigarettes.

Should this violent man have the right to father a child?

No parent is perfect, granted, but (at the risk of sounding like a Daily Mail journalist) why on earth should we be encouraging violent men to bring new life into the world?

Perhaps Dickson and the other prisoners going to the courts should have thought about their victims’ human rights before crying that their incarceration prevents procreation.

This has been rumbling on for eight years. The then Home Secretary, David Blunkett, blocked the decision, as did The High Court, Court of Appeal and European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.

Unfortunately. Strasbourg’s final appeal court, the Grand Chamber, then concluded that blocking the request was a denial of the couple’s right to become parents.

There are thousands of law-abiding couples for whom the ability to conceive is a real issue, and yet these miscreants believe they have a right, despite their failure to behave properly in a civilised society, to become parents. It’s sickening, quite frankly, and it no judge should even be entertaining the idea.

What do you think? Am I being too harsh? Does anyone have the right to parenthood regardless of their history?

(Via The Telegraph)

Daily Mail columnist tirades against environmentally unfriendly mothers

Though many of us expect nothing less than grossly stereotypical, sweeping generalisations from the writers at The Daily Mail tabloid paper, Liz Jones has pushed the boat out by having a real go a mothers, and children, for being environmentally and socially unfriendly.

Based upon a few negative images she has of parenting, every mother is now somehow in the wrong.

Granted, I am sure there are some disturbed or misguided people who see children as some kind of “status symbol”. They’re sick, but they’re not the majority (at least, I hope not).

She has a rather old-fashioned view of working mothers:

No one is allowed to complain when they are left to pick up the slack as every mum in the office hares out of the door at six on the dot, millions of plastic carrier bags in tow, hell-bent on creating a nappy mountain.

Heaven forbid that she ever meet a conscientious mother who successfully juggles the demands of both work and family life, as well as doing her bit for the environment.

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The Reality of Arranged Marriages

Arranged marriages have been a topic of interest for centuries. Authors across the ages have explored this theme at length, and it still surfaces in literary works today. What’s the appeal? Is it the fascination with the lack of lust and desire we cultivate in North American society? We strive on the element of danger, of the forbidden, while an arranged marriage is usually a safe way to ensure a family’s approval of a union.

And yet, many of today’s romance novels deal with marriages of convenience. We’ve all read them: the heroine marries the hero because she needs him, whether for financial reasons, or because her children need a father — there are as many reasons to marry as there are novels dealing with this subject. Yet although the marriage isn’t initially based on love, there’s always that sensual tension simmering beneath the surface, and as readers, we know it’s inevitable that the two are going to fall deeply and irrevocably in love.

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