Improved marriage counselling can cut divorce rate

That headline sounds almost obvious, right?

We know that you can prove most things with statistics, but having said that, some interesting new figures have come from the UK’s Office of National Statistics…

The number of divorces in England and Wales decreased 5% in 2008 compared to the previous year, while in Scotland it was a 10% drop, and 4.8% in Northern Ireland.

Though the figures can’t paint the whole picture, experts believe that better counselling may have improved the figures.

It’s worth bearing in mind that these statistics don’t include couples that are living together unmarried, and there could be a range of other factors involved. However, it would be good to think that struggling couples are seeking advice and help, and that in an increased number of cases it’s working.

What we don’t know is how the economic crisis will affect rates in subsequent years. There have also been suggestions of a two per cent rise in the UK divorce rate this year.

English schools’ revised sex education curriculum to focus on family

The Evolution of Sex Education

I’m no expert on how sex and relationships education in schools has changed over the years, but stereotypically things have become more liberal of late, with a focus much more on the process and physical repercussions of sex than on moral and societal issues surrounding the subject.

I can’t say that this is absolutely true, because schools can teach things in different ways, with more or less emphasis placed on issues beyond “how sex works”.

However, thanks in part to the way society has changed, particularly over the last decade or so, in its attitudes to sex and its portrayal in the media, the UK government on both sides is now looking at promoting familial and stable relationships.

Yesterday, the standard curriculum for sex education in English schools was updated to place more value on the moral and relational aspects of sex.

Delaying Sex

In an age-appropriate way, children will now be taught that it’s OK to delay having sex, and that they shouldn’t feel pressured by friends or the media into becoming sexually active as the “normal” thing to do.

Stability

Marriage and other stable relationships will be heralded as the “bedrock of family life”, with education on “the challenges and responsibilities of parenthood”.

Bullying and Pressure

Sexually-motivated bullying is sadly becoming more common. Mobile phone technology can be used to send compromising photographs which, apart from being illegal in the eyes of the law, could cause great distress to those victims caught on camera.

Other advice will warn about overtly sexualised imagery now prevalent in most types of media, including television, magazines, advertising and the Internet.

Comment

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls said, “Young people today grow up in a very different world to the one their parents knew as children.

“New technologies and a 24-hour media mean that young people are increasingly exposed to images and content that can make them feel pressure to be sexually active before they are ready and can give them misleading information about relationships and growing up.

“We also want young people to understand the importance of marriage and other stable relationships – these are the bedrock of family life, the best way to bring up children and the kind of relationships we want young people to develop as they get older.”

What do you think of the changes?

Photo credit: Made Underground

Via

Facebook bad for marriage says new research

Social networking phenomenon Facebook is at least partly responsible for one in five marriage breakups, if you believe the latest research from a British online divorce service.

By scanning their divorce petition database, they found that the word “Facebook” was used in 989 out of 5,000 cases sampled.

It seems that virtual infidelity, often starting with “inappropriate sexual chats”, have caused the most upset.

Of course, the research isn’t perfect by any means.

Firstly, this is from a scan of their own database, and therefore implies that their clients are technologically savvy.

Secondly, it only scans for one term, and doesn’t imply that use of such Internet services are wholly responsible for people filing for divorce.

Perhaps if there are already problems in a marriage, one or both partners may make problems worse by their online behaviour, but generally I think this would be a byproduct rather than the initial cause.

Having said that, it’s interesting that seven in ten Brits say online flirting is acceptable.

We also have interesting, albeit sensationalist, stories like that of a couple driven apart by online games.

So, I’m not surprised that Facebook and other online activity can play a part in marriage breakdowns, but it’s certainly not the sole cause in most cases.

Celebrity Watch: Jennifer Lopez with March of Dimes, Van Outen marries Lee Mead, Salma Hayek renews vows

Welcome to Family Relationships Magazine’s weekly roundup of celebrity family news.

Jennifer Lopez tackles whooping cough

Jennifer Lopez has teamed up with March of Dimes in a US national awareness campaign about pertussis (whooping cough).

The new initiative focuses on educating new parents and their families about pertussis, a highly contagious and potentially deadly disease for infants. The campaign’s centerpiece is a series of television and radio public service announcements (PSAs) featuring Ms Lopez that are available in both English and Spanish. The PSAs, scheduled to begin airing nationally this month, encourage new and expectant parents to help protect their babies by making sure that anyone who is, or will be, in close contact with a young infant has been vaccinated against pertussis.

Van Outen and Lee Mead marry

Denise Van Outen has married Lee Mead, the star of West End hit musical “Joseph”. They first met when Van Outen judged the show to find the next star of Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s stage show.

Denise was previously engaged to Jamiroquai singer Jay Kay.

Read more

Salma Hayek renews marriage vows

Actress Salma Hayek has renewed her marriage vows to Francois-Henri Pinault, just two months after they wed.

The couple had previously been engaged in 2007 but called it off in 2008.

Read more

Bad economy: divorce down, domestic violence up

Last year, when the scale of the economic crisis was still dawning upon us, the UK’s Office of National Statistics found that the slowing property market could be reducing the divorce rate.

That doesn’t mean that relationships have suddenly got significantly better. In fact, financial turmoil places a real strain on relationships, and new statistics from US-based LegalMatch paint a much more worrying picture.

While this year’s divorce rate increase of 12% was much less than in previous years (28%), cases of domestic violence had increased over previous years.

Added to this, in November 2008, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, headquartered in Austin, Texas, reported a 21 percent increase in calls compared to last year.

While I’m a strong believer in marriage, the numbers suggest a sad story: that many in relationships where one partner has violent tendencies are even less able to leave now that the financial situation is so dire, and yet that same predicament is obviously leading some people to higher levels of aggression.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can provide a greater sense of security.

What’s really important is to talk to your partner straight away when it comes to dealing with financial problems.

Young people still want to live “happily ever after” but lack skills for marriage

If you believe everything the media says, you’d be forgiven for thinking that marriage is on the way out, with commitment a dirty word.

However, research from the Healthy Marriage Resource Centre amongst 18-30 year-olds suggests that four in five do still want to get married and stay married.

At one level that’s encouraging because it means that a large number of people want to commit to a long-term relationship. However, the Centre suggests that there’s often a wide reality gap between the perception of marriage and the reality.

“Once married, conflicts may arise over money, parenting, and other important issues,” said project director Mary Myrick.

“We want to get people talking about the complexity of healthy marriages and provide tools and tips for making relationships work during challenging times,” says Myrick. “We are targeting young adults because they are the group most likely to be considering marriage for the first time and are most likely to access an online resource like TwoOfUs.org.”

Though it’s so easy to get married, it’s most definitely worth investing time in some form of pre-marriage course or counselling.

Though there’s some evidence to suggest that people in a good marriage can have better health, financial stability and life expectancy, no-one wants to be trapped in a bad marriage that was ill-conceived.

Taking time to sit down, ideally with a more experienced couple, and discuss aspirations and expectations, may seem unromantic in the excitement of planning a wedding and new life together, but I believe it’s vital. I certainly value the course I attended with my wife before we married.

Who takes responsibility for marital faithfulness?

Gary Neuman has written a book for women. The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It is a “relationship advice manual” that’s “dedicated to helping wives”.

While I haven’t read the book, Marie Claire magazine suggests that the main thrust of the book is that “women should make certain changes in themselves, to avoid their partner’s eyes from wandering”.

Neuman, a psychotherapist, has based his book on the responses of 25,500 men, some who have remained faithful, and some who have not.

Ninety percent of husbands who had cheated on their wife said that they were significantly dissatisfied with their marriage.

Rather simplistically, Neuman suggests, “Men will eventually find their way into the arms of another if they are not getting enough sex at home.”

Unsurprisingly, the book’s content has riled many women. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s annoyed some men, too.

Who should take responsibility for marriage?

The man?

The woman?

Or should both partners take an equal share of responsibility in maintaining and nurturing their relationship?

Neuman’s soundbite – that men will stray if they don’t get enough sex at home – may well be a gross oversimplification of what’s written in his book, but there’s no doubt that he’s said it.

This assumes that sex – or a lack of it – is the only thing that will make or break a marriage.

It also suggests that Neuman believes men should be entitled to as much sex as they want with their partner (and even this may still not be enough for some), while the woman should simply roll over and take it (if you’ll excuse the phraseology) – regardless of her feelings.

What rot.

A healthy relationship is built on love, communication, trust, and compromise.

These elements not only maintain super-relationships, but help to rescue those that are in danger of going off course before they smash into the rocks and end in unfaithfulness and potential separation.

I wonder if Neuman – or, perhaps, a female equivalent (if there is such a person) – would blame the man if a woman strays?

Stereotypically, the reasoning would be far less to do with sex – the physical act, at least – and far more to do with a lack of attention, disinterest, lack of romance, feelings of being unappreciated, and so on.

Yet, to varying degrees, any number of “issues” can affect a relationship. If left unchecked, it can lead to unfaithfulness, even without any other person becoming involved.

Sex is important in a marriage relationship, and can maintain a strong bond, but it can’t do that in isolation, and isn’t a miracle cure for a decaying relationship.

I’m sure Neuman’s book has much more to say on the subject, but I’ve a horrible feeling all that’s picked up on is that men are portrayed as sex-starved animals who’ll simply go wherever they can be physically fulfilled, while women are their slaves who should be grateful they’ve been picked, and should do all they can to hold on to them.

In the real world, not all men are like that, and many couples take a holistic approach to their relationships.

In fairness, Neuman doesn’t write rubbish, and I believe he is for marriage (great marriages in fact). However, something in “Why Men Stray…” doesn’t sit quite right.

OK, over to you. What do you think? Have you read Neuman’s book? What did you think, honestly? Leave a comment below.

Celeb Watch: Christina Aguilera, Nicole Richie, Cheryl and Ashley Cole

Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie are both enticing a number of high-profile publications who want the right to print the first photos of their babies. Marie Claire reports:

A bidding war has erupted between OK! and People magazine for the first pictures of Christina’s son Max Liron, and the asking price has already reached $1.5 million.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have already signed a deal with People magazine, where they will get $1 million for the photo debut of daughter Harlow Winter Kate.

I wonder at the lives of the rich and famous, yet the bidding war is only active because the magazines know that large sections of the general public want to see the photos. No doubt they’ll be leaked onto the Internet anyway. So much for the privacy of kids with famous parents.

Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole is being urged by her family and friends to leave husband Ashley, after claims from at least two women that he had affairs with them:

The latest claim comes from glamour model, Brook Healy, who is alleged to have been approached by Cole in December 2006 at London’s Funky Buddha club – just five months after the Coles’ marriage – and later slept with the footballer.

The Girls Aloud star [Cheryl] stated: “I was furious… but I’m determined to be strong. Ashley’s a wonderful husband and we’re in love. I won’t let this woman destroy our marriage.”

Celeb Watch: Gwyneth Paltrow, Eddie Murphy, Britney Spears

Marie Claire speculates that Gwneth Paltrow may be pregnant:

The New York Daily News is reporting that Paltrow was taken to the hospital by husband Chris Martin because she is pregnant with her third child. A source revealed to the paper that Paltrow spent time in the maternity wing of the hospital, and added, “They looked very serious. She looked upset. They went right past everyone and into the elevator. It seemed like they were expected.”

Eddie Murphy has split from his wife, Tracey Edmonds, after just two weeks of marriage, reports Marie Claire:

The reason for the break-up? According to sources in America, the honeymoon was “marred by screaming matches and arguments all week”.

In fact, even on the wedding day there were warning signs that all was not right. “Eddie started yelling at Tracey in front of people,” one guests told People magazine. “He did it on a few occasions and it was very embarrassing.”

Troubled star Britney Spears is also rumoured to be pregnant, as she was allegedly seen buying a home pregnancy test:

…the singer and her new boyfriend, 35-year-old paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, were photographed in a drug store in LA shopping for home pregnancy tests.

However, given the photographs were released by Ghalib’s own picture agency, some are already crying foul and believe the snaps might just be a juicy little earner for the couple and a crafty joke at the media’s expense.

Or at Britney’s expense. Hasn’t she been through enough recently?

Pope proclaims marriage and family to be shared human values

Pope Benedict has sent a message to the head of the Italian Episcopal Conference, Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco, as the cities of Pistoia and Pisa mark the 45th Social Week, asserting that respect for life and the protection of marriage and the family are human values.

The theme for this year’s Social Week is: “The common good today: a commitment that comes from afar.” The Pope affirmed that this theme “still maintains all its importance.”

The pontiff spoke directly to lay men and women about their role in society saying that they must “work for a correct ordering of society … and to cooperate in the just organization of social life together with all other citizens, each according to their skills and under their own autonomous responsibility.”

Countering the assertion by some segments of society that marriage, the family and the right to life are solely religious issues, Pope Benedict XVI reasoned that “these are not just ‘Catholic’ values and principles, but shared human values to be protected and safeguarded, like justice, peace and the defense of creation.”

He went on to say that “respect for life and the attention that must be given to the needs of the family based on marriage between a man and a woman,” are issues that cannot be ignored.

Via Catholic.org

Financial problems: make your partner your first contact

Professionals who offer advice to people in financial difficulty state how important it is to maintain active and open communication with those with whom you have a financial relationship with.

This is usually taken to mean creditors, your mortgage lender, your bank, and your landlord, but if you are married or in a committed long-term relationship, the person you should have the closest financial relationship with is your partner.

Regardless of how you have decided to run your financial lives together – be it completely joined, completely separate, or somewhere in between – you still have a commitment to one another in every area of your life.

It’s no surprise that money can cause all sorts of relationship problems if not dealt with openly and honestly, and yet a survey last year showed that many people would not share their credit score with their partner.

That’s just one example.

Read more

UK Law Commission calls for more rights for unwed couples

A report by the Law Commission calls for unwed couples to have more legal rights.

It claims that most couples living together still believe they are protected by a “common law” marriage, when in fact this isn’t true.

The report calls for a financial value to be put on the contribution each person brings to the relationship. This would mean that financial compensation would be given to someone who gives up work to look after children, if the relationship ends.

The Commission denies that their proposals undermine marriage. Earlier this month the Conservative party called for a number of financial incentives for married couples. The two proposals aren’t mutually exclusive.

Read

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