The bitter confessions of a not-yet-dad

The intimate thoughts of a man who is not yet a father, yet so desperately wants to be. Sometimes shocking, always heartfelt. And, as yet, no end in sight.

Pain of History

We’ve been trying to conceive for over five years now, and we’ve been through our unfair share of heartache, grief, confusion and anger.

As the man, it seems that I’m supposed to recover more quickly from the grief of miscarriage — the loss of our unseen child — yet the wounds have still to heal despite the years that have passed since the last one.

My friends would expect me to be “over it” by now. They don’t really ask any more. If they do, it’s superficial. I guess that’s just another stereotypical “man thing”.

I should be strong for my wife, and indeed I try. The pain ebbs and flows, but never disappears, for either of us.

I don’t have the biological attachment to the children we have lost, or the baby that is yet to come, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not involved; that I don’t ‘feel’ anything.

Anger at Others

When I’m not lost in my own grief, yet not in a good place either, I am embarrassed and shocked at my reaction to others.

I like to think I’m generally tolerant, yet when it comes to adults and their relationships with children, I turn into a raging bull.

Only in my head, of course, or under my breath. Perhaps occasionally out loud — yet so far I’ve got away with not upsetting anyone or getting myself beaten up.

The woman who aborts her unborn child because of inconvenience.

The parents who treat their children like scum.

Or who flippantly dismiss their life, their hurts, their fears, their achievements.

Who slowly (or not so slowly) saps away their life force.

Who complain about their kids — you know, you never had to have kids. I wish you hadn’t. How dare you treat them the way you do?

I would be much better a parent than you.

Of course, I’m always right.

And it’s totally justified for me to imprint my life upon theirs, and call out their mistakes — the ones I would never make — because of what’s missing in my own.

The treadmill

Sometimes, life seems to stand still.

Of course, all the mundane details continue, but sometimes it’s as if it passes in black and white.

I don’t try to waste my life.

I don’t say that a baby is “the answer”, and would make everything right.

We make the best of our lives — we enjoy them as best we can — yet there’s always an undercurrent of thought of what’s missing.

We walk the treadmill as others walk past.

One couple conceives, bears for nine months, has a healthy baby.

A second couple conceives, bears for nine months, has a healthy baby.

A third, and a fourth, and yet a fifth.

It continues.

We watch them pass.

They look back with sympathy, even compassion, but they can do nothing but live their own fruitful lives.

We wouldn’t expect them to.

Yet it doesn’t make things any easier.

The medical farce

And we go for “tests”.

And “more tests”.

We are prodded, and poked, and sometimes patronised.

There are many hoops to jump through (they are kindly passed in front of our treadmill).

And it seems to make no difference.

And I wonder if I even have the strength to keep going to the hospital to see the consultant.

Does it even matter?

When?

So we continue to ask “when?”

My faith is weak. Existent, but weak.

And I wonder how many other not-yet-dads go through this.

Month after month.

Year after year.

We have strength, yes, but it only goes so far.

We are called to be fathers. Good fathers. We can feel it in our whole body.

Yet, for now, we are still denied.

Does this confession ring true? Share, write about your own experiences and link them here. It won’t solve the pain but it may provide solidarity. As we wait.

Image credits: zoutedrop, dcinput, cmcbrown and SomeDriftwood

Business leaders shun fathers’ rights to longer paternity leave

In statements which only seek to reinforce the ridiculous lack of work-life balance prevalent in British society, and that continues to erode the rights of fathers, top business leaders have described new paternity leave proposals as “madness”.

Citing yawn-inducing reasons such as “Britain is only just crawling out of recession”, bigwigs such as David Frost, director general of the British Chambers of Commerce venomously laid into the government proposals.

These leaders are completely fixated on profit and business growth, making no mention of the rights of fathers or the importance of families growing strongly.

Perhaps Mr Frost doesn’t have a family, or was an absent father?

Granted, giving new fathers extra paternity leave doesn’t in itself make for stronger families, and it isn’t a complete answer to allowing a family unit to bond with its new member, but it certainly shouldn’t be sniffed at.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s another snub to the role of the father.

Is it any wonder that we are an increasingly fatherless society? I think not. Yet the role of a good father is vital to the successful upbringing of children.

I’m not suggesting that other family units can’t or don’t work, but when a family unit has stayed together, for heaven’s sake allow it to grow.

It’s clear from a recent survey that many fathers are pressurised into not taking even the pittance of leave they’re entitled to now.

Yes, more regulation could add to the burden on companies, but we need to balance the needs of society with the need to grow strong businesses.

Paternity leave campaign launched by British charity

Fathers denied paternity leave

A recent online survey found that many fathers-to-be aren’t taking full advantage of paternity leave, with 40% of men not taking it at all.

Three out of four of those men said that they couldn’t afford to take the leave, while 14% said they didn’t have enough length of service with their employer, and 13% were self-employed and so weren’t entitled to official leave.

It also found that, because the statutory payout was so low, many men chose to take a portion of their holiday entitlement instead.

Employers to blame?

Others spoke of possible bullying tactics by employers.

“My husband’s company made it difficult for him to take the time off – he’s a manager and even though he was entitled to it, it’s a case of if he did take two weeks off, someone else would have basically replaced him,” said one respondent.

Working Families Chief Executive, Sarah Jackson, said that many companies weren’t aware of the rules and were denying paternity leave even to those who were entitled to it.

“Take Up Top Up” Campaign

“We’re launching the campaign to raise awareness about fathers’ rights. But we also need adequate levels of pay if fathers are to be encouraged to take leave. That’s where employers can come in,” she said.

“Many good employers offer contractual pay on top of statutory maternity pay. We want many more employers to “top up” statutory paternity pay to full pay for the two weeks. Time with a new baby is a great gift to a new family and employers will reap the benefit of motivated employees.”

With the UK slowly struggling out of recession, now is not the time many employers want to hear about offering additional pay for fathers, but when so many companies pay at least lip-service to “work life balance”, offering new fathers an opportunity to build a bond with their newborn child is one of the greatest things a company can do.

Paternity rights: the facts

• Statutory Paternity Pay is currently £123.06 a week.
• Notice period – an employee should inform his employer of his intention to take paternity leave by the 15th week before the baby is due.
• Eligibility – an employee must have worked continuously for an employer for 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the baby is due to be eligible for statutory paternity leave and must also meet an earnings requirement to be eligible for statutory paternity pay.
• Advice on paternity rights is available via www.workingfamilies.org.uk or by calling the Working Families helpline on 0800 013 0313.

Are you a dad who has taken, or been denied, paternity leave? Share your experience in the comments below.

Are over-the-counter DNA paternity tests ethical?

Hackney, in East London, is one of the first areas in the United Kingdom to allow chemists to sell over-the-counter DNA paternity testing kits.

A short but interesting piece on BBC London News raises the inevitable ethical questions of allowing such easy access to these tests.

Ian Meekins from International Biosciences, manufacturer of the test, is unsurprisingly in favour of the kit which provides “indisputable answers to emotive questions”, claiming that “people have the right to be able to get those answers.”

He may well be right. There is a certain level of choice involved here, although the finances required to receive test results could be a barrier in themselves — the kit costs £30 but a further payment of £119 is required in order to have the test processed.

The method for collecting the DNA samples is simple. Use a separate mouth swab for the mother, the child, and the man who is testing for paternity, and then send the swabs away to be analysed.

That’s the finances and the procedure taken care of, but what about the rights and emotional wellbeing of the child?

Josephine Quintavalle from the ethics organisation Comment on Reproductive Ethics is convinced that children are not being protected.

She said that, most often, the tests are not done for the benefit of the child, and are taken without their consent. It’s disputing, warring couples where the male involved is effectively deciding whether to accept or reject the child.

“We have a duty to protect children and their rights in this instance,” she said.

However, the Hackney chemist selling the kits said that he will provide counselling to those families who need it.

Sadly, in these days, the issue of paternity comes up a lot, and while a kit like this makes it physically easy to determine who the biological father is, we surely have to question whether it’s always the best thing to do.

I am sure there are plenty of situations where men who are not biological fathers are doing a fine job of bringing up children. Granted, there are other issues such as the right for a child, at the appropriate time, to know who their biological parents are, but particularly when very young children are involved, is there potential to do more harm than good in making these sorts of tests so readily available?

Presumably, if trials are successful in Hackney, the test could be rolled out nationwide.

An emotive subject, surely, but I’d be interested to hear your views.

Read the original news story at BBC News Online

Who is “Dad of the Year”? Tomy award looks for most devoted father

Tomy and Prima Baby magazine have launched a competition to find the UK’s most devoted dad.

The Dad of the Year award celebrates the role of great dads in developing secure and happy children.

The winner will be offered the opportunity to act as a media spokesperson for Tomy’s

Freestyle baby carriers range. He will also win the fantastic prize of a luxury weekend break with spending money at a Mr. and Mrs. Smith hotel of choice, the stylish new Tomy Freestyle All Seasons Baby carrier and a hamper of pre-school toys from Tomy.

Dads or their proud partners, parents or friends, simply need to visit Tomy Dad of the Year or pick up a copy of the March issue of Prima Baby to submit an entry form by 15th March 2009 with their story; whether he delivered his baby himself, put his career on hold to stay at home or simply loves taking his share of responsibilities and spending time with his baby.

The Tomy Dad of the Year competition is open to all fathers – whether first, second or third time around – who have had a baby in the 12 months from 19th February 2008. Eight regional finalists will be selected with the winner decided by an online public vote. Online voting will go live on Tomy Dad of the Year on 23rd April 2009 with the winner announced in June.

As well as being a great competition in its own right, it’s been set up to showcase the new Tomy Freestyle baby carrier range, which includes the Classic Carrier (£27.99), the Premier Carrier (£39.99), the Premier Detachable Carrier (£49.99) and the new Tomy Freestyle All Seasons Carrier (£54.99, available from May 2009) which has a breathable fabric and an all-weather cover so parents and baby can get out what ever the forecast predicts.

Do prisoners have a human right to be fathers? I don’t think so

Forgive me if I’m a little cold-hearted towards a convicted murderer who believes it’s his human right to father a child.

Six British prisoners believe that the Human Rights Act grants them the privilege of donating sperm and artificially inseminating partners who they say will be too old to conceive once they are released from their lengthy prison sentences.

Take Kirk Dickson, 34, who is serving a 15-year minimum sentence for kicking a man to death because he wouldn’t give up a packet of cigarettes.

Should this violent man have the right to father a child?

No parent is perfect, granted, but (at the risk of sounding like a Daily Mail journalist) why on earth should we be encouraging violent men to bring new life into the world?

Perhaps Dickson and the other prisoners going to the courts should have thought about their victims’ human rights before crying that their incarceration prevents procreation.

This has been rumbling on for eight years. The then Home Secretary, David Blunkett, blocked the decision, as did The High Court, Court of Appeal and European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.

Unfortunately. Strasbourg’s final appeal court, the Grand Chamber, then concluded that blocking the request was a denial of the couple’s right to become parents.

There are thousands of law-abiding couples for whom the ability to conceive is a real issue, and yet these miscreants believe they have a right, despite their failure to behave properly in a civilised society, to become parents. It’s sickening, quite frankly, and it no judge should even be entertaining the idea.

What do you think? Am I being too harsh? Does anyone have the right to parenthood regardless of their history?

(Via The Telegraph)

“Being Dad”: call for fathers to take part in documentary

Dads with children aged 0-3 are wanted to take part in a new documentary series.

“Being Dad” is the “dadumentary” DVD that delivers real information to Dads to demystify the whole process – and is now being filmed for Dads in Ireland, Scotland and England.

Dads can be any age, and filming takes place over the next couple of months in five locations: Central London, Bath, Manchester, Edinburgh, and Dublin.

The documentary makers explain:

“Filming takes about two hours and you’ll join five other dads in a relaxed environment talking about everything from conception to birth and bringing the baby home. We’ll provide you with free food and plenty of beers. This is a great opportunity to be a part of the first UK and Irish film that inspires and informs future dads to be. This will make a great heirloom, will get you in your partner’s good books, as well as making sure that future dads can legitimately avoid the pregnancy manuals!”

For more details email Victoria Newlands at victoria@nobull-communications.co.uk or phone 01628 526208.

Filming dates are:

Central London: Friday, June 20 / Tuesday, July 1 @ 6.30pm
Bath: Sunday, June 22 @ 4.30pm
Manchester: Tuesday, June 24 @ 6.30pm
Edinburgh: Wednesday, June 25 @ 6.30pm
Dublin: Friday, June 27 @ 6.30pm

Three-quarters of small businesses in UK offer flexible work options for parents

It’s not difficult to see how modern working practices put a strain on family relationships, but at least nearly three-quarters of small and medium-sized businesses in the UK are attempting to make things easier for parents by offering more flexible working options.

Over half of working mums said they’d want to work away from the office, while nearly nine in ten dads said the same.

Dads said that flexible working would make the most positive difference to their family life in the first year after their child’s birth.

Read more

Dads lack of confidence in bringing up baby shows up as not taking responsibility

An interesting new survey from SMA Nutrition suggests that some fathers who come across as being unwilling to help with the upbringing of their babies and young children are actually unconfident about their abilities.

The study finds half of new dads admitting that they don’t always make the effort to get home from work in time for their baby’s bath and bed routine, while 43% say they rarely or never get up in the night to comfort their crying baby.

Other ‘confessionsÂ’ to sidestepping parental duties include not always changing their baby’Â’s nappy (68%) and a tendency to spend time playing with baby rather than on practical childcare tasks (45%). More than a third (36%) have taken their parentsÂ’’ side on the ‘best way to parentÂ’ while 35% say they have felt relieved that work commitments have meant an overnight hotel stay as it ensures a good night’s sleep.

Read more

Daily Mail columnist tirades against environmentally unfriendly mothers

Though many of us expect nothing less than grossly stereotypical, sweeping generalisations from the writers at The Daily Mail tabloid paper, Liz Jones has pushed the boat out by having a real go a mothers, and children, for being environmentally and socially unfriendly.

Based upon a few negative images she has of parenting, every mother is now somehow in the wrong.

Granted, I am sure there are some disturbed or misguided people who see children as some kind of “status symbol”. They’re sick, but they’re not the majority (at least, I hope not).

She has a rather old-fashioned view of working mothers:

No one is allowed to complain when they are left to pick up the slack as every mum in the office hares out of the door at six on the dot, millions of plastic carrier bags in tow, hell-bent on creating a nappy mountain.

Heaven forbid that she ever meet a conscientious mother who successfully juggles the demands of both work and family life, as well as doing her bit for the environment.

Read more

Many men willing to get involved to prevent domestic violence and sexual assault

According to new research by Peter D Hart Research Associates on behalf of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, over half of men think it’s very or fairly likely that, at some point in their lives, they will know a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault, and most are willing to take action to raise awareness, help victims, and promote healthy, violence-free relationships.

“Across the board, men want more done to stop domestic violence and sexual assault,” said Verizon (who supported the research) Wireless President and CEO Lowell McAdam. “Men are ready to do their part by talking to the next generation, donating wireless phones to help victims and more. Verizon Wireless will continue its commitment to stop violence, and encourages men — and women — to take action.”

Read more

Children growing up in “terrifying” world. Parents need support.

It sounds obvious, but children need good parents.

Mary Crowley, of Parenting UK, says that children are growing up in a “terrifying” world of pressures and dangers, and that good parenting advice is essential in a society where, generally, the extended family is fractured or in decline.

Her organisation has just won a £30m National Academy for Parenting Practitioners contract.

The BBC reports:

“Nobody sets out to be a bad parent,” said Crowley, “But it’s quite hard to get real advice. You get advice about what sort of buggy to buy.”

Ms Crowley also raised concerns over increasing violence and dangers in society, the need for children to be ‘street-wise’, and the marketing pressures put upon them.

She also made a call for more men to come forward to train as parenting practitioners. I couldn’t agree more – men need to be involved so that they can stand alongside other fathers to provide help and support.

Read the full story

Next Page »