Men and Miscarriage: How to cope and how to support

Miscarriage is a tragedy, however statistically common it is and at whatever stage of pregnancy it happens.

It is of course natural and right that any woman who has experienced a miscarriage should be given all the medical help and emotional and physical support and comfort possible.

It’s also important to consider that the male partner / husband is also very likely to be grieving the loss of an unborn child, and also needs support and the space to come to terms with his own emotions.

This article draws together some helpful advice for men on how to cope with miscarriage and how best to support their partner/wife, based on resources from around the web and from personal experience.

I hope it helps you. If you have any thing to add, please feel free to leave a comment at the end of the article.

How “should” you be feeling?

Some articles on this subject, such as Men and Miscarriage: How Men Handle Miscarriage, suggest that men emotionally “move on” quicker than women, but the fact is that everyone is different.

You may find that you don’t react much when you first find out about the miscarriage, and that emotions — ranging from deep sorrow to anger to frustration to feelings of helplessness — come on weeks or even months later.

There’s no right or wrong answer. This is grief, and you have to deal with it in your own way. Typical feelings men experience after miscarriage is a useful primer for both men and women on this.

Communication is Key

No matter how you or your partner may be feeling, reacting and coping with the miscarriage, it is vital that you don’t stop communicating with one another.

The fact is that you are the only two people who know exactly what you’re going through, and though it can be helpful for one or both of you to talk to friends, family or counsellors, you can also be each other’s strength.

The fact is that communication is key to creating and maintaining strong relationships, but particularly during stressful, highly emotional situations like coping with miscarriage.

Grieve alone, and grieve together. Tell your partner how you are feeling and allow her to tell you the same — and acknowledge and empathise with her.

Is It My Fault?

Attributing blame to one or other partner after a miscarriage is extremely unhealthy and should be avoided.

There may be a medical reason which increases the likelihood of a miscarriage, but unfortunately pregnancy loss (particularly early, such as in the first three months) is also considered fairly “normal”.

Laboratory research shows that it is possible for abnormalities to cause a pregnancy to fail — often had the pregnancy gone to full term the baby may well have had a disability anyway so it can sometimes be seen as nature’s way of disallowing unhealthy foetuses to live.

That’s all very clinical, though.

If you and your partner have experienced several miscarriages, it is definitely worth consulting your doctor and having tests to establish whether anything is wrong, and whether some forms of medication may help during pregnancy.

In any case, in the general run of things it’s not really anyone’s “fault”, and even if there is a medical condition it’s often something that can be sorted out.

How can I best support my partner?

The article Miscarriage: how men can deal with it offers advice for supporting your partner after a miscarriage:

1. Understand that she will be upset and you can’t fix the problem. You need to be supportive, understanding and appreciate that there will be a grieving process which will take time.
2. Understand that even if it’s very early stage pregnancy she will feel like she has lost a baby, even if you don’t. Saying things like “don’t worry it was only the size of a tic-tac” isn’t going to be much help.
3. Give her lots of support. She needs to know that you love her.
4. It’s important to re-enforce that it’s not her fault. It’s quite possible she may try and blame herself for something she did or didn’t do but it’s highly unlikely the loss had anything to do with her actions. I could write a whole article just on this point but from listening to many men talk about miscarriage, almost all said that their partners felt like she was to blame.
5. Encourage her to talk to her female friends and family who have had children. It’s very likely some will have been through the experience and will be able to offer support and advice.
6. Understand that a pregnant woman is a sea of hormones and those hormones are still running wild after the loss. Know the signs of depression and seek medical advice if you feel she isn’t coping well after a week or two.
7. As guys we like to try and fix problems but sometimes you just need to provide a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to. Don’t take it personally or get frustrated that you can’t make her forget about it.
8. Spend as much time with her as you can and remain positive about having kids. Having one miscarriage isn’t necessarily a sign that you will have more so focus on staying healthy and having another go when the time is right.

My male friends are unsympathetic

Sometimes it may seem that your male friends aren’t particularly sympathetic to how you’re feeling.

We could put some of this down to the stereotypical guy who doesn’t like to share or show emotions much, or it could just be that you haven’t told them how you’re feeling.

Don’t forget that every man is in a different situation. Single guys may well not understand, married-with-kids guys may well have experience of miscarriage but find it difficult to come alongside you unsolicited.

How do you cope with the sarcastic or seemingly unhelpful comments? I guess it depends on how much it bothers you.

If you can just brush off the “oh well, you don’t really want kids yet” or “you can have my kids” comments (and their many derivatives) then fine — remember that your partner is probably your main confidant and strength anyway.

If not, you need to politely explain that some of their comments aren’t helpful, that you’re happy to talk about the situation with them (if indeed you are) but that the jokes, however well-meaning (bloke diversionary tactics) aren’t helping you.

Don’t let anyone try to cajole you into “moving on” – your grief takes as long as it takes.

What about “trying again” after miscarriage?

At some time after a miscarriage you will both be ready to try to conceive again.

It is really important not to rush things, and to try to understand how each other is feeling.

Conceiving after miscarriage is a really useful article looking at the subject from both female and male perspectives.

Resources

Here are some useful resources and interesting articles for further reading around this subject:

• Men and Miscarriage: How Men Handle Miscarriage
• How men cope with miscarriage: John Itsagwede explains how he and his wife dealt with the pain of losing three babies
• Miscarriage coping guide for men
• Typical feelings men experience after miscarriage
• Conceiving After Miscarriage
• Men and Miscarriage
• Miscarriage: How men can deal with it
• Men and miscarriage: Information on support groups
• Helping Men Get Through A Miscarriage
• What Are Men’s Reactions To A Miscarriage?

Dad’s the taxi: kids driven 56,000 miles by dedicated parent

Did your dad used to ferry you about in the car when you were a child or teenager? If so, you’re not alone.

New research from Motors.co.uk suggests that dads will travel over 56,000 miles and spend six months of their life as a free taxi cab service to their children.

The poll of 973 fathers’ driving habits found that the average driving dad travels over 60 miles and spends an average of 3 hours every week ferrying their children to school, sports
clubs and social events.

Of course, the poll also decided to inject some sex appeal into proceedings by asking who dad’s ideal passenger would be. Joanna Lumley was voted the most desirable passenger by a quarter of driving dads, with Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole second most popular (16%).

UK fathers are secretly dreaming of being James Bond whilst on the school run, with most dads listing an Aston Martin as their ideal car.

With all this going on, it’s not surprising that a third of the kids interviewed said that they were embarrassed by their dad’s car (or is that just “dad”?) on the school run. Goes with the job, doesn’t it?

“The results of this survey show that the UK’s driving dads are spending more time than ever driving their children around with the average father spending six months of their lives on the school run. This Father’s Day, motors.co.uk is calling for all dads to have the day off to spend some quality time at home with their families without a car in sight,” said Katie Armitage, marketing manager for motors.co.uk.

Breastfeeding – a father’s perspective

Breastfeeding is widely considered to be the best start for baby, not only providing nutrient-packed food but also forming a bond between mother and child. In this interesting article, Stuart Hutchings shares a father’s perspective.

Breastfeeding is the most natural thing to do. It is one of the most important things that you can do to give your child the very best start in life and it is likely to be the first most important decision a mother and family will make about their baby’s health and upbringing.

We may all possibly be aware of the major benefits to mother and baby that breastfeeding confers.

But it does take commitment from both mother and family.

Possibly one of the biggest issues is that breastfed babies often spend more time ‘at the breast’ than formula fed children do whilst being fed; this is purely because bottle-feeding is functional (the activity only provides food). Breastfeeding however provides food and nurturing. It is common for the baby to snuggle up to mother and fall asleep whilst feeding in this comfortable, secure environment (this intimacy leads to bonding which is a very important aspect of breastfeeding). For this reason I personally thought for the first six months that our new baby did not have a face! I only ever saw the back of his head! This leads on to more practical matters such as making sure mother and baby are comfortable for these periods and as happy and secure as you can make them both. Although this can mean a lot of ‘nurse-maiding’ it is wise for dads to remember that they are part of a team giving baby the best food, on tap, when he or she needs it. It comes out of the breast ‘ready to serve’ and is tailored to the baby’s age and nutritional needs. There are also no bottles to worry about, no formulas to mix, you don’t have to worry about sterilising everything, getting the temperature right, and, baby’s poo even smells better!!

Breastfeeding is not just the best source of food but also a good source of comfort and security. Mother’s bonding with her child can start here, if it has not already happened during pregnancy; breastfeeding is the most natural way of bonding. The eye-to-eye and skin-to-skin contact that breastfeeding requires strengthens the attachment and bonding between mother and child. Breastfeeding helps mother to get to know and understand her baby. It is an important step in building a trusting relationship that extends well beyond baby years; it is not just the best source of food for a growing baby but the ultimate in terms of safety and security. There are some emotional adjustments to be made. Family members may become jealous of the intimacy and attachments that occur between mother and baby through breastfeeding. From a father’s perspective, one sometimes has to wrestle with one’s feelings for baby, as this new-comer muscles in on what was your sole territory. But this time is very important for mother and baby, and it is often easy to forget that a family’s job is to care for and support mother as well as baby. The help required from family members is very important but the most important is the care and support from dad. He can provide physical and emotional reassurance, he can head off discouragement and negative criticisms from other family members, and he can make mother comfortable whilst breastfeeding with such simple things as providing food and drinks, or even helping with the household chores or with other siblings.

Sleeping can also be an awkward time. If you do not want to sleep with baby in the bed, the cot should be placed in close proximity so that mother can virtually ‘do it in her sleep’. But here breastfeeding can be a major benefit to other family members because they may not be woken in the middle of the night. Mother simply attaches the baby and satisfaction is guaranteed!

There are other lifestyle modifications that are required for breastfeeding:

• Having the right clothing to allow easy access for baby
• Being willing to stop your routine for unplanned feeds
• Continuing with a cessation of drinking and smoking
• Watching what drugs or medications are taken

There are many other reasons that breastfeeding should be the first choice food for babies.

Just remember breastfeeding can be good for baby, mother and family – breast milk is perfectly formulated to meet your baby’s nutritional needs and…

It’s what breasts were designed for!

Breast really is best.

For more extensive information on breastfeeding its benefits and practical implications visit breastfeeding at From Little Acorns Academy

This article is provided by Amazines.com – The ULTIMATE Article Database

UK mums get 23 minutes “me time” per day, dads 4.5 hours: how to unwind

A recent research study by the online games company PopCap (the relevance of which will become apparent in a moment), in association with The Stress Management Society, suggests that British mums get, on average, just 23 minutes of “me time” each day, whereas dads enjoy around four-and-a-half hours of leisure time daily.

I’m sure this isn’t true across the board, but the study suggests that dads get plenty of time to enjoy such stress-busting activities as going to the gym, taking a leisurely lunch hour (they obviously never worked in the offices I did), watching TV, hobbies such as football or golf, or just reading the newspaper whilst going to the loo.

Mums, on the other hand, use the sub-half-hour break to grab a cuppa or a quick swig of wine, smoke a cigarette, or eat a snack. The study suggests that this type of break can actual be counterproductive, because the amount of time and actual activity doesn’t allow for mum to unwind from the daily stress.

PopCap would like to suggest that, as well as physical exercise which can reduce stress levels, pressure, and anger, and activities such as yoga which can stretch both mind and body, a five-minute “cyber-break” with one of their online games can help lower stress levels, by reducing blood pressure, and slowing the breathing and heart rate.

Cathy Orr, European PR Director at PopCap, said, “The disparity in down time between mums and dads is staggering. Even if mums can’t change their quantity of ‘Me time’, they can still positively affect the quality of the time they have available. A recent study in association with The Stress Management Society showed that playing casual games on sites like www.popcap.com for as little as 5 minutes a day has stress relieving benefits. If time-poor mums replace their cuppa with a quick PopCap session, it will help relax, recharge and refocus their minds to face the rest of the day.”

Don’t underestimate the power of a cuppa, though.