Improved marriage counselling can cut divorce rate

That headline sounds almost obvious, right?

We know that you can prove most things with statistics, but having said that, some interesting new figures have come from the UK’s Office of National Statistics…

The number of divorces in England and Wales decreased 5% in 2008 compared to the previous year, while in Scotland it was a 10% drop, and 4.8% in Northern Ireland.

Though the figures can’t paint the whole picture, experts believe that better counselling may have improved the figures.

It’s worth bearing in mind that these statistics don’t include couples that are living together unmarried, and there could be a range of other factors involved. However, it would be good to think that struggling couples are seeking advice and help, and that in an increased number of cases it’s working.

What we don’t know is how the economic crisis will affect rates in subsequent years. There have also been suggestions of a two per cent rise in the UK divorce rate this year.

UK divorce rate could rise 2% in 2010

According to the same online agency that told us Facebook is bad for marriage, the UK’s divorce rate could rise for the first time in a decade.

MD of Divorce-Online, Mark Keenan, expects to see at least a two per cent rise in divorce in 2010, with the recession generally to blame for much of this.

Britain’s annual divorce rate, at around 12 per 1,000 based on current figures, is still one of the world’s highest despite the fact that the rate has dropped over the past ten years.

Interestingly, some reports from last year thought that couples might stay together because of the poor financial climate, yet Keenan reckons a rise in property prices means couples can sell a house and move on without large debts.

Facebook bad for marriage says new research

Social networking phenomenon Facebook is at least partly responsible for one in five marriage breakups, if you believe the latest research from a British online divorce service.

By scanning their divorce petition database, they found that the word “Facebook” was used in 989 out of 5,000 cases sampled.

It seems that virtual infidelity, often starting with “inappropriate sexual chats”, have caused the most upset.

Of course, the research isn’t perfect by any means.

Firstly, this is from a scan of their own database, and therefore implies that their clients are technologically savvy.

Secondly, it only scans for one term, and doesn’t imply that use of such Internet services are wholly responsible for people filing for divorce.

Perhaps if there are already problems in a marriage, one or both partners may make problems worse by their online behaviour, but generally I think this would be a byproduct rather than the initial cause.

Having said that, it’s interesting that seven in ten Brits say online flirting is acceptable.

We also have interesting, albeit sensationalist, stories like that of a couple driven apart by online games.

So, I’m not surprised that Facebook and other online activity can play a part in marriage breakdowns, but it’s certainly not the sole cause in most cases.

Bad economy: divorce down, domestic violence up

Last year, when the scale of the economic crisis was still dawning upon us, the UK’s Office of National Statistics found that the slowing property market could be reducing the divorce rate.

That doesn’t mean that relationships have suddenly got significantly better. In fact, financial turmoil places a real strain on relationships, and new statistics from US-based LegalMatch paint a much more worrying picture.

While this year’s divorce rate increase of 12% was much less than in previous years (28%), cases of domestic violence had increased over previous years.

Added to this, in November 2008, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, headquartered in Austin, Texas, reported a 21 percent increase in calls compared to last year.

While I’m a strong believer in marriage, the numbers suggest a sad story: that many in relationships where one partner has violent tendencies are even less able to leave now that the financial situation is so dire, and yet that same predicament is obviously leading some people to higher levels of aggression.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can provide a greater sense of security.

What’s really important is to talk to your partner straight away when it comes to dealing with financial problems.

Get that computer out of our bed! Virtual reality drives wedge between couple

There’s nothing like a bit of tech sex to sell tabloid newspapers, so the recent report that a wife wants to divorce her husband because he took part in virtual gay sex in the online game Second Life isn’t much of a surprise.

I reported on the threat of virtual adultery over three years ago, with some counsellors agreeing.

It’s easy to blame the Internet for all sorts of relationship problems, but as far as I’m concerned the reality is that anything can come between a husband and wife if the communication channels become blocked.

The trouble is that, while a husband’s uncontrollable urges for football or fishing or snooker or cars – or whatever other pastimes may take his fancy – can still be limited to some extent, computers and the Internet are available 24/7 and offer access to a huge range of things that could help to undermine a less-than-happy marriage.

Take the case of Lisa Best, as reported in the News of the World (not the most reliable of sources, granted, but let’s use this as a case study).

Lisa woke up in the middle of the night to find her “computer-mad husband … having virtual sex with another man on his laptop while he was in bed with her.”

For the uninitiated, Second Life is a type of virtual world where you adopt a character (called an avatar) and embark on adventures and relationships with other people. It’s escapism. It’s a fantasy, and one that many people find themselves increasingly hooked on.

John, her husband, said that there was no issue because it wasn’t real life.

She said “As far as I am concerned, having virtual sex with a man is the same as having sex with him in real life.”

He said “Second Life is just an escape and my avatar was just exploring things that I’d never sample – or want to sample – in real life.”

So who’s right?

Well, though I have my own views on this, I’ll attempt to sit on the fence and say that there’s no absolute right or wrong answer.

However…

If a wife (or husband) is unhappy with how their spouse is behaving, then there’s a problem.

It’s not for me to say whether John Best fantasises about being with other men, though it seems strange to me that you’d entertain such things – even in a virtual world – for so long without having some desire for them.

For me, that’s not the main point of the story, though I can sympathise with Lisa that it must be causing her a great deal of stress, confusion and inner turmoil.

The main point is why is one member of the marriage so attached to something that their marriage is suffering?

Granted, John may not have realised that his marriage was in trouble until that fateful night – he seemed keen enough to brush off the incident when confronted. However, anyone with such an obsession is in real trouble of messing up significant real-life relationships.

The article notes:

[Lisa] blames John’s computer obsession for destroying their sex life and any social interaction they had.

“Sex became less and less until in the end he just didn’t want it any more. In the past six months we only had it once-and that was after I pestered him for it,” she said.

Houston, we definitely have a problem.

“Over the course of 18 months I basically turned into a computer widow. He was more interested in his Facebook and MySpace friends than in me.”

Think this is extreme?

At one level, perhaps, but don’t believe that you could never fall into such a trap.

I know that, in my own marriage, we’ve put in boundaries and safeguards so that neither of us ends up neglecting the other.

For me, it’s ensuring that I don’t continue to work late into the evenings.

It’s also about maintaining communication. Spending time on Facebook, MySpace, Second Life, or indeed anything else in itself isn’t a problem. What is a problem is when it becomes obsessive or secretive.

What do you think?

Four tips for dealing with Christmas after divorce

Holidays are often a happy, but stressful time for most families. Add a divorce into that mix, and things can become infinitely more complicated. The experts at GreatDad.com, a leading source of experience, recommendations, inspiration and advice for dads, have some advice and suggestions to make the adjustment after a divorce as easy as possible for your family.

Communication and planning are critical elements to making the holidays stress-free and more enjoyable. Paul Banas, founder and CEO of GreatDad.com explains, “Dealing with holidays can be an emotional rollercoaster, especially the first few years after the separation. Working together with your ex-wife and planning well in advance will help eliminate some of the last-minute pressure and uncertainty that is sure to come up during the holidays.”

Sage Advice:

• Develop a Parenting Plan: Experts suggest developing a “parenting agreement” with your ex- after the divorce, which should include how and where the kids will spend holidays. With an agreement in place, you can avoid arguing about plans every time the holidays roll around.
• Remain Flexible and Patient: Even with a plan in place, changes will undoubtedly happen–flexibility and patience will go a long way to keeping everything running smoothly. “It’s definitely important to remain flexible during the holidays. Being extra-sensitive and ready for the inevitable schedule changes will help you and your kids have a great holiday together,” added Banas.
• Coordinate Gift Giving: It’s also important that you and your ex-spouse talk about what you are getting your kids as gifts. This way, you don’t end up giving the same things (iPhone, doll, Wii console, etc.), and you also set rules in place on what’s acceptable.
• Create New Traditions: With time and forethought, you and your children can create new traditions together and make the holidays joyous again. This is a wonderful opportunity to get the kids involved and show them how important their input is.

For more tips and advice for celebrating the holidays after a divorce, go to www.greatdad.com/holidays.

Celeb Watch: Madonna and Ritchie to divorce

After months of speculation, it has been confirmed that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are to divorce.

Their seven-and-a-half marriage came under media scrutiny when it was alleged that Madonna was having an affair with New York Yankees baseball player Alex Rodriguez. The couple has asked that the media respect their privacy at this time.

No other official details are available.

Celeb Watch: Gwyneth Paltrow, Eddie Murphy, Britney Spears

Marie Claire speculates that Gwneth Paltrow may be pregnant:

The New York Daily News is reporting that Paltrow was taken to the hospital by husband Chris Martin because she is pregnant with her third child. A source revealed to the paper that Paltrow spent time in the maternity wing of the hospital, and added, “They looked very serious. She looked upset. They went right past everyone and into the elevator. It seemed like they were expected.”

Eddie Murphy has split from his wife, Tracey Edmonds, after just two weeks of marriage, reports Marie Claire:

The reason for the break-up? According to sources in America, the honeymoon was “marred by screaming matches and arguments all week”.

In fact, even on the wedding day there were warning signs that all was not right. “Eddie started yelling at Tracey in front of people,” one guests told People magazine. “He did it on a few occasions and it was very embarrassing.”

Troubled star Britney Spears is also rumoured to be pregnant, as she was allegedly seen buying a home pregnancy test:

…the singer and her new boyfriend, 35-year-old paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, were photographed in a drug store in LA shopping for home pregnancy tests.

However, given the photographs were released by Ghalib’s own picture agency, some are already crying foul and believe the snaps might just be a juicy little earner for the couple and a crafty joke at the media’s expense.

Or at Britney’s expense. Hasn’t she been through enough recently?

Parental divorce is key factor in break-ups amongst their children

This may sound obvious to some, but a new study suggests that the rate of relational and marital breakup was higher amongst those whose parents had divorced.

The study looked at other factors, such as genetics or parental substance abuse, but found that divorce itself was a key factor that lead to the higher rate in children.

Brian D’Onofrio, assistant professor in the Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences at Indiana University Bloomington, said that when a host of variables are taken into consideration, such as genetic risks and socioeconomic factors, the real divorce still accounts for around 66 percent of the increased risk of divorce faced by children of divorced parents. “This means the transmission is not due to psychological or substance abuse problems that are passed from parents to the offspring. It’s something very unique about the separation of one’s parents. The societal implications are very important because divorce is such a painful experience for both adults and children. This further suggests that interventions specifically targeted at the consequences of divorce are important for our society,” D’Onofrio said.

Read

Oklahoma ‘covenant marriages’ aim to lower divorce rate

The Daily O’Collegian has posted an interesting article questioning a new bill introduced into the Oklahoma legislature that recommends couples who are to be married go through premarital counselling, enter a so-called ‘covenant marriage’, and then be unable to divorce based on grounds of incompatibilty.
It doesn’t exclude other grounds for divorce, such as abuse, and presumably actual adultery, but it does suggest that couples who have undergone this counselling are somehow immune from problems later on in their marriages.

Read more

One in five UK couples on verge of break-up, survey shows

Research by the InsideDivorce.com web site suggests that 1 in 5 British couples are on the verge of a break-up.

Nearly half (44%) of married people surveyed say that their sex lives have decreased while a further one in ten married couples are having no sex at all. These figures are particularly worrying for men, with ‘lack of sex’ being cited as the single biggest factor in relationship breakdown.

Read more

Managing divorce anger

Anger is not a gift, and it is normal for a relationship to have this kind of twist, but for couples who are going for divorce, this emotion is often anything but healthy.

It is a special kind of anger that usually hasn’t been experienced before.

When anger and divorce is combined, it’s often treated as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage. For many people that really long for company, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.

Divorce anger lets people to punish their ex as often as possible, while keeping an ongoing “bitter” relationship.

It’s a situation that leaves both partners in the long and winding divorce world of growth obstruction and self-awareness.

Some people really keep their anger so secretly that their rage takes over their whole lives, affecting all their thoughts and actions.

They weigh every action to see how much harm it will bring on their ex.

Divorce anger is often expressed through the legal process itself.
During this process, it is important to remember that your lawyer is your adviser, not your friend.

Releasing anger to your ex through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you, and of course, the family resources out.

Using the legal process as a way to express your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons; it is the wrong way, and it is very expensive.

The legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to both parties’ anger.

Often times it leads to dividing property and trying to prove your case for custody or support.

So how can you cope with this new and intense anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, where did you first fall and finding positive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both party is feeling now as you proceed through separation.

Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool for change, and it has a lot of energy compared to happiness when released
but if we use it destructively, all we do is destory our mood and keep miseries coming.

Final word is, people have to learn to have anger work for them positively, not negatively.