Father figures wanted…

I am delighted to welcome our latest guest, Mendy, who blogs at The Grafted Tree about her experiences as a single mum bringing up her sister’s kids. Definitely worth a read, as is her first article for us on an important subject…

One of the most sensitive areas of reality for me and my kids (as with many) is the absence of a father figure in our already grafted family. I’m a pretty independent woman, but by no means a raging feminist (no offence) who can’t accept help or who doesn’t want what I call the traditional family structure, which includes 2 parents. I am determined however not to settle, whatever that means.

I have been single for a long time now, and raising two kids who didn’t come out of my own body may be a turn off for some who otherwise might be a good fit for me. Although my stalwart position on this is that I will not marry, or let anyone into my life who does not think…”these kids of hers are the greatest living beings on earth, who make my heart race with joy and excitement every single time I see them”. That criterion is mandatory, even though I know that this person may never love my kids as much as I do. Who really could, but it better be pretty damn close.

I have been on a few dates since becoming the full time mom of my kids, and it is a laborious process, especially when I have made the vow to not introduce my kids to every Sam, Dick, or Harry who may ask me out, or in whom I might see potential. They have already been through enough hell with their biological parents who, to say it in the kindest of words, did not think about their needs or wants at all.

I’ve known moms who have said no to potentially wonderful life-long relationships because of one red flag with their kids. I’ve also seen mothers who have said yes so many times that their kids still have no clue what a real father figure is to a family, and are pushed to the outer margins of importance when it comes to the mothers needs.

There is not much middle ground here folks. So I am anxious to hear your thoughts and beliefs on this critical family issue.

Seven out of ten Brits in relationships say online flirting is OK

For many, flirting by those already in a romantic / committed relationship isn’t seen as a problem, and even less so when it comes to doing it over the Internet. This is borne out by a new survey which found that seven out of ten Brits don’t believe there’s anything wrong in flirting with people online.

Ironically, the research was carried out by a web site encouraging online flirting. Of the 2,600 who took part, all of whom said they had a spouse or full-time partner, about the same number of men and women answered the question “Would you consider flirting online as cheating?” with a resounding “No!”

Many see this as harmless entertainment, but I’m not convinced.

Several years ago the phenomenon of online flirting was being studied, and Nathan Tabor wrote a great article titled Adultery is killing the American family which touches on how Internet usage can affect a relationship.

And do you remember the recent report of a Second Life affair which split a couple up?

Harmless fun or something more sinister?

I realise that there are such things as “open” relationships, and that flirting and eyeing other people up even when romantically involved with someone is often thought acceptable, but I’m a little concerned that 70% of Brits think absolutely nothing of doing it.

There’s something insidious about doing it online, too, because of the increased perception of anonymity.

Relationships really need all the help they can get, and I’m not at all convinced this developing trend will encourage healthy couples.

What do you think?

Photo by believekevin

What’s your worst dating disaster?

British singles have had their fair share of dating disasters, according to a recent survey by online dating site PARSHIP.co.uk.

• Two out of five admitted to turning up late to a first date, or not showing up at all;
• 28% talked about their ex and past sexual experiences;
• 14% confessed to over-indulging in alcohol;
• 6% said they’d been chaperoned by a friend, their mother, or even a pet.

The top ten of bad dating behaviour is:

1. Entrances & Exits: On average, 30% of men and 48% of women admitted to turning up late for a first date, with one in ten women keeping the man waiting for 30 minutes or more. However, 12% of women and 6% of men admitted to taking advantage of their date’s absence at the bar or in the loo, and leaving without saying goodbye. Some dates never even got that far: a total of 5% of men and women said they had turned up to a date, not liked what they saw and then made a speedy exit.
2. The Ex: Most people know they shouldn’t talk about their ex on a first date, but for one in five men and women (27%) the urge has proved too great. In a similar vein, 12% of men and 6% of women admitted to talking about previous sexual experiences.
3. Drinking: A more disturbing set of statistics: 11% of men and 14% of women say they’ve drunk so much alcohol on a first date that they’ve felt they weren’t fully in control of themselves. 25% of men and 20% of women say they’ve drunk 9 units or more on a date. (The recommended weekly maximum intake is 21 units for men and 14 for women, with a two day break.)
4. Yours or mine? 30% of men and 20% of women admitted to going home with their date, with one in four men (26%) and one in five women (20%) claiming it led to sex.
5. The Bill: Credit-crunched Brits are now more likely to keep their hands firmly in their pockets, particularly if the date isn’t going well. One in four women (19%) and 4% of men say they’ve purposely not offered to contribute financially towards the evening, leaving it to their date to pick up the bill.
6. Lies and more lies: 8% of singles say they’ve lied about their age on a first date; 6% pretend that they’re not dating other people, 4% lie about their job and salary, 3% that they still live with their parents — and 2% have conveniently forgotten that they’re not in fact single.
7. What’s in a name? 10% of men and 3% of women say they’ve even forgotten their date’s name.
8. Three’s company: 5% of women and 3% of men say they’ve been chaperoned by a friend or even their mother – on a first date. 1% thought it acceptable to bring a pet, maybe named Gooseberry.
9. Arguments: With all these bad manners going on, maybe it’s surprising that just 3% of singles say they’ve (further) spoiled the evening by arguing.
10. Text, please! 4% of women and 2% of men say they’ve called or texted another potential date in the course of a first date.

Dr Victoria Lukats, psychiatrist and PARSHIP’s dating exert, commented, “For some, a first date can be more like negotiating through a minefield. People can feel under an enormous amount of pressure to make a good impression on a date. Dating faux pas can be put down to several factors, including bad manners, nerves, inexperience or lack of compatibility. Action can be taken to improve bad manners or to calm nerves. On the other hand, if two people have little in common or their personalities clash, it’s never going to be a match made in heaven — but there’s still no harm in behaving in a dignified manner.”

So what’s been your worst dating disaster? Can you even bear to share?

My worst one has to be the week-long visit to a girl I’d been communicating with long-distance. Neither of us had any transport and she lived in the middle of nowhere, so we were driven around (and mad) by either her mother or her ex-boyfriend. Not great.

Sex on the first date: liberated or easy?

I’m not particularly surprised that, when it comes to attitudes about sex and dating, there’s still quite a gap between the genders.

A new survey by the free online dating site Smooch of its 37,000-strong member base found that, while 65% of men think that a woman who has sex on a first date is liberated, the same proportion of women think it’s unacceptable.

Female respondents were cautious and judgemental with comments such as:

• If he wants to do that with you, he’s probably tried it with
  everyone
• He won’t respect you if you do
• I don’t want to be another notch in the bedpost

Conversely male respondents were eager to see such actions in the best possible light:

• Most of my long term relationships have started with first date sex – the chemistry was irresistible!
• Women who think it’s ‘easy’ are living in the dark ages and
  that’s what I’d find offputting
• If it feels right do it! I wouldn’t date a woman who let
  calculations override her emotions

So, liberated or easy? What do you think?

Dating pet owners: don’t neglect the animals

Do you remember that research which suggests having a pet can reduce the chances of finding love by 40%?

Well, assuming you can find someone who’ll put up with your pampered pooch or kitty, there’s some advice on how to handle the pet when you’re embarking on a new relationship.

“In the old days, you had to meet the mother. Now you have to meet the dog and get the dog’s approval,” said Stephanie LaFarge, director of counseling services for the ASPCA and an expert on the human-animal bond.

She suggests that a bad first meeting with the animals can be as bad as getting the first meeting with human relatives wrong.

Both sides in a new human relationship need to make an effort.

The pet owner needs to forewarn their new partner of any foibles the animal might have. Getting a cat’s claws sunk into your lover’s arm because you forgot to mention that puss doesn’t like being picked up is not likely to aid a blossoming relationship.

Similarly, though, it’s worth being prepared if you’re starting to date someone with animals. Even if you think you know animals, every creature is different, just as we humans are.

Stephanie also notes that, as and when a human relationship develops, issues over hygiene and physical intimacy (between pet and humans, that is) are likely to surface. These need to be dealt with as they come up, and in fact can be quite telling about a person’s character overall.

“How a person handles these conflicts can be very revealing, said Joel Gavriele-Gold, a clinical psychologist and author of “When Pets Come Between Partners.” “You learn a lot about the other person and how they deal with relationships,” he said. “Is it based on control or cooperation?”

Got any tips for dating when there are pets involved?

Women catching up to men in promiscuity, and that’s just the forty-somethings

While online dating websites may not correlate exactly with wider society, an interesting study from free dating site PlentyOfFish.com has concluded that women’s promiscuity – or at least their intentions of – has doubled in the last four years.

In 2004, around 9% stated that they were looking for sex via the “intimate encounter” option. That figure is now around 18%.

With some ten million members, the male-female ratio of those looking for long-term relationships or traditional dates has remained consistent at 55:45, but three years ago, men looking primarily for sex outnumbered women by ten to one. That’s now down to 5:1, with a prediction that in ten years’ time, there’ll be equality in promiscuity.

Suggesting that the female lifestyles portrayed in “Sex In the City” and the like may have something to do with a shifting societal attitude, Markus Frind, CEO of Plentyoffish.com, says, “Our average user, among males and females, is between 38 and 42 years old. Yet, the data shows that the behaviour exhibited is more of what you would expect from those in their early 20s. Plentyoffish.com statistics may be indicative of a fundamental shift in society and behavioural norms.”

Longer term, of course, this continued shift will have a marked effect on what society considers “family” to be.

Video dating embraced by young men and no-one else, study suggests

In less than surprising news given the stereotypes, young men (under 25) were the most likely people to be in favour of introducing webcams into online dating and video dating web sites.

On the other hand, nearly three-quarters of women said it was a definite no-no, particularly on dating sites.

That’s according to several studies by MakeFriendsOnline.com.

Last year, a survey of their members discovered that men wanted it, but over half of women didn’t.

As online dating which includes the use of videos is still rising in popularity, the site decided to run the survey again. This time they found that nearly three-quarters of male respondents liked webcams and wanted to use them on dating sites, but 63% of female respondents didn’t.

This suggest that men on cams might be increasingly talking to themselves, and also illustrates a marked trend with the percentage of women unwilling to use webcams increasing at a convincing rate.

The increased availability of Webcam Sites was reflected in the overall results which show an additional 12% of women have tried Webcam Dating since the last survey, but of those, a massive two thirds didn’t like it and wouldn’t do it again. By comparison, the male figures remain fairly static, the majority being as willing and eager to use a webcam this year as they were last.

The MD of MakeFriendsOnline, Martin Bysh, said, “In a market where it is notoriously difficult to attract and retain female users, MakeFriendsOnline is very proud and protective of itÂ’s female membership, which at 51% is probably the best male/female ratio you’ll find anywhere. We would not want to alienate our female members by offering a feature that makes them uncomfortable and certainly not one which would actively put them off joining our site. We will therefore not be adding webcams to MFO.”

What do you think? If you’re open to the idea of online dating, would you be put off by the concept of using a web cam?

Singles with pets can reduce your chances of finding love by up to 40%

Pet-owning singletons looking for love may be disappointed, as research from a leading UK dating agency suggesting that chances of finding a successful human love interest is reduced by up to 40%.

Key findings of the research included:

• Nearly half of all singles – 6.1 million – now own a pet.
• Singles spend £5.6 billion each year pampering their pets.
• One in four men wouldn’Â’t date a woman with two or more cats.
• A third of women wonÂ’’t date a man who shares his pillow with a pet.
• If push came to shove 25% of singles would choose their pet over a new partner.
• Nearly two thirds of singles say they really love their pet and think of him/her as a member of the family.
• The main reason for the dating dilemma is purely medical: pet allergies.

Dr Victoria Lukats, psychiatrist and PARSHIP’s dating and relationship expert commented, ““People invest a lot in their pets emotionally, but whilst some singles may see their pets as surrogate partners or children, this research shows that these people are in the small minority. Rather than the stereotype of a spinster with several cats, the reality is that many singles simply enjoy owning a pet but they would probably put their human relationships first.”