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Marriage counselling advice given to spouses living with depressed partner

Marriage counseling expert Nancy Wasson has marriage advice for spouses living with a depressed partner: “Don’t wait until you hit the wall to take care of yourself!”

“If your spouse is depressed, it’s important to take good care of yourself in every way — physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. You can’t afford to become consumed by your spouse’s depression or you’ll end up depressed, too,” says Dr. Wasson. Depression is one of the factors that sometimes leads to marriage separation and divorce.

Wasson stresses that the worst thing the partner who is providing the care giving and stability can do is to become isolated from others. She emphasises that it’s important to resist the urge to try to carry the burden of a mate’s depression all alone.

Instead, she says the partner needs to “Let your family and friends know how they can help you and let them know what challenges you are facing. Don’t let feelings of embarrassment or shame stop you from reaching out.”

Wasson advocates researching community support groups that are available as well as on-line groups that offer support to spouses of depressed individuals. She also recommends that children be educated about depression so that they can better understand and cope with a parent’s condition.

“Taking a team approach toward managing a spouse’s depression can help to strengthen an unhappy marriage,” advises Wasson. “Instead of saying to your mate, ‘You need to figure out what to do,’ say ‘We’ll figure out what to do and how to handle this.’”

So what additional marriage advice might a marriage counseling coach have for a spouse living with a depressed mate?

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“It’s important to de-personalize your spouse’s behavior,” Wasson says. “Remind yourself that your mate is ill-and that’s different from being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn or deliberately trying to make your life difficult.”

Wasson continues by saying, “Try to remember that your mate’s perception, attitude, actions, patience and stamina are being impacted in major ways by the depression. When people are depressed, they often blame everyone else for their problems and see only the negatives in daily life. This is about the depression-not about you.”

Wasson also advises the partner to laugh every day to help keep the negative effects of depression at bay. In addition, she recommends reading inspirational books or listening to inspirational audios and music each day.

“Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, stay in close contact with friends, participate in activities that bring you pleasure and keep your spiritual connection strong,” urges Wasson. “Take time for yourself so that you can read, listen to music, meditate and pray. You’ll have to be consistently proactive about your own emotional, physical and spiritual health if you’re going to survive your mate’s depression intact.”

She concludes by saying that care giving and being the main one to keep things going at home can be exhausting and that if feelings become overwhelming, it’s important to get professional help.

“Make an appointment for individual counseling before you feel like you’re at the end of your rope,” recommends Wasson. “It’s normal to feel resentful and angry that your personal life and family life are being so radically impacted by your mate’s depression. You’re in this for the long haul, so take the necessary steps to ensure that you’ll be able to cope.”

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., is the co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner: What to Do if Your Mate Says You’re Too Controlling OR if You’re Tired of Being Controlled, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com.