Cheating online? Facebook will catch you out

If you’re being unfaithful to your partner but haven’t been extremely careful about your Facebook profile, you are very likely to be caught out.

And rightly so.

Divorce lawyers are ditching the old-fashioned methods — private detectives and the like — in favour of snooping the social networks to catch out cheating spouses.

A careless status update or a series of compromising photographs could be all that’s needed to catch someone out, making them look less favourable in court.

Not only can social networks be used to catch cheaters, but they may also be responsible for extra-marital affairs in the first place.

Some of the recent privacy concerns surrounding Facebook in particular have meant that people are often unaware just how far-reaching their information may be shared, or easily found by those specifically searching for it.

It’s not just you who needs to be careful, either. If anyone else — the person you might be having a liaison with, or mutual friends — publishes something online about you, it could still land you in hot water.

That is, if you’ve got something you want to hide, of course.

“Attorneys advise users of Facebook and other social media who are headed toward a divorce or custody battle to edit their profiles, be cautious about updating statuses and double check to see who is really a “friend.”

Or to make things easier — at least until the trial is over or a settlement is reached — just get off Facebook completely.”

Via (Photo credit)

English schools’ revised sex education curriculum to focus on family

The Evolution of Sex Education

I’m no expert on how sex and relationships education in schools has changed over the years, but stereotypically things have become more liberal of late, with a focus much more on the process and physical repercussions of sex than on moral and societal issues surrounding the subject.

I can’t say that this is absolutely true, because schools can teach things in different ways, with more or less emphasis placed on issues beyond “how sex works”.

However, thanks in part to the way society has changed, particularly over the last decade or so, in its attitudes to sex and its portrayal in the media, the UK government on both sides is now looking at promoting familial and stable relationships.

Yesterday, the standard curriculum for sex education in English schools was updated to place more value on the moral and relational aspects of sex.

Delaying Sex

In an age-appropriate way, children will now be taught that it’s OK to delay having sex, and that they shouldn’t feel pressured by friends or the media into becoming sexually active as the “normal” thing to do.

Stability

Marriage and other stable relationships will be heralded as the “bedrock of family life”, with education on “the challenges and responsibilities of parenthood”.

Bullying and Pressure

Sexually-motivated bullying is sadly becoming more common. Mobile phone technology can be used to send compromising photographs which, apart from being illegal in the eyes of the law, could cause great distress to those victims caught on camera.

Other advice will warn about overtly sexualised imagery now prevalent in most types of media, including television, magazines, advertising and the Internet.

Comment

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls said, “Young people today grow up in a very different world to the one their parents knew as children.

“New technologies and a 24-hour media mean that young people are increasingly exposed to images and content that can make them feel pressure to be sexually active before they are ready and can give them misleading information about relationships and growing up.

“We also want young people to understand the importance of marriage and other stable relationships – these are the bedrock of family life, the best way to bring up children and the kind of relationships we want young people to develop as they get older.”

What do you think of the changes?

Photo credit: Made Underground

Via

Study: Infertility negatively affects self-esteem

With results that probably won’t surprise any couple experiencing fertility issues, a new study suggests that infertility seriously affects positive self-esteem.

“Flawed”

In a national survey carried out in the United States, seven out of ten women said that infertility made them feel flawed, while half of all men said they felt inadequate.

Sharing

Six out of ten couples said that they try to hide their fertility troubles from family and friends, while a third admitted their ability to confide in others has decreased since they began trying to get pregnant.

Over half said that it was easier to tell people that they weren’t planning to have children rather than to share the struggles they faced.

Disbelief and Delay

Disbelief is also a common issue, for despite one in eight couples of childbearing age do struggle with fertility problems, two-thirds of those surveyed said that they never thought they’d have difficulty in conceiving.

Over half of the couples said they wish they had started trying sooner, with a staggering nine out of ten respondents already seeking fertility treatment saying this.

Advice

Relationships with family and friends can also suffer, with six out of ten couples admitting to becoming tired of people asking them how the process is going or offering suggestions on how to conceive.

Unsolicited advice — such as being told to “relax”, get more exercise, sleep or a different diet — aggravated many couples.

Intimacy & Sex

Infertility issues seemed to affect intimacy in different ways, though more couples (58%) said it had brought them closer together than hurt (36%). Having said that, men suggested time arguing had increased, while both sexes said stress and tension had increased.

Added to this, 55% said that fertility issues had made sex a physically and emotionally anxious time, while a similar number (53%) said fun and spontaneity had gone, and four out of ten said they felt sexually unattractive.

The survey interviewed 585 people in relationships where conception had been an issue for two or more years. Full results are available at the Plan For Some Day web site.

I can certainly vouch for a lot of the results in this survey. What has been your experience?

Photo by mrhayata

What do men want for Valentine’s Day?

If you’re a woman stuck for an idea as to what your man might want for Valentine’s Day, take some tips from UK relationship expert Martin Riley, who offers up the following advice with the three “Ts” — Tease, Tantalise, Treat

• “Valentine’s Day has somehow become seen as a day when a man has to make a big romantic gesture to this wife or girlfriend. Try turning the tables. Send him flowers, take him out for dinner, or buy him something that fulfils your fantasies (be warned though, it’ll need to be something that makes him feel sexy, not stupid. He may never talk to you again if you buy him a mankini). Most men will be delighted by you taking the lead and making him feel appreciated and desired.”
• “When was the last time you asked your partner what he wanted from your relationship? A lot of men struggle to articulate what they want and need from a relationship so will try to let their presents do the talking. Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to actually ask him what he wants, both from you and from your life together. Pillow talk is a great opportunity to get him to open up!”
• “Don’t rely on ‘bought experiences’ like meals out or presents to make this Valentine’s Day the romantic day of your dreams. A home cooked meal can be far more romantic than a restaurant full of other couples trying to be romantic. How about a meal in bed together? Or a meal he can lick off those usually hard to reach places? Use your imagination to have the Valentine’s Day that suits the two of you, not what the shops tell you should be having.”
• “If your man isn’t that interested in sex (and a surprising number of men aren’t as obsessed as you might think) then the key would be to think about what he loves doing that you could surprise him with. Is there anything he loves to do that you’re normally reluctant to do with him? He’ll be thrilled if you suggest or organise it so perhaps go to a football match together, see a band or go for a romantic walk around his favourite places.”

Six tips for beating Christmas family arguments (involves conversation)

With one piece of research suggesting that even the best families will argue for seven hours over the Christmas week, or a horrendous three hours per day in the worst case, here are some tips for avoiding fallout this festive period.

Lisa Warner, inventor of FINK family conversation cards, offers these six top tips:

1. Start interesting and engaging conversation: if families simply stare at the TV all day they’re bound to get bored and irritable. Try FINK family conversation cards to get the conversation started.

2. Play family games: group activities are a great way to bond with each other and family games can bring all the generations together.

3. Don’t over stretch yourself: if the thought of cooking for 12 people worries you keep it simple and avoid the stress. Everyone will feel the pressure if you are stressed, so keep it simple and enjoy yourself.

4. Get some sleep: don’t miss out on the fun but remember we all get irritable when we don’t get enough sleep.

5. Take time out: a short break from everyone will give you a little breather and chance to recoup.

6. Ban texting at the table: if your children are texting their friends at the table then they’re not engaging with everyone else.

Rod Stewart recently made a stand with his family by completely banning mobile phones at the dinner table to preserve the art of conversation.

Lisa continued: “It may seem like a simple action but banning kids from texting at the table means they concentrate more and actually engage in the conversation. You have to be vigilant though, some kids are experts at texting without even looking at the phone!”

FinkCards.com

Should “Grandparents Law” be introduced in Britain?

Many people believe in the important role that grandparents play in the upbringing of children, despite the fact that Western society has changed significantly over the past few decades, and that the idea of a connected family is quite different to that in many Eastern countries.

That being the case, there are still cases where grandparents are unable to see their grandchildren due to familial breakdown and a lack of communication, and it seems to be for this reason that the Conservatives have suggested that grandparents will be given greater recognition under a Tory government.

In cases where parents split and divorce, new laws could ensure that grandparents are still granted access to their grandchildren, or even be given priority in custody cases, depending on the circumstances.

David Shields, from the Grandparents’ Association, said that the current law means grandparents have no voice or say at all. “They have no more rights than a stranger. They don’t even have a right to stay in touch with their grandchildren,” he told the Daily Mail.

We hear stories of grandparents who, after sharing many happy times with their grandkids, and helping out their children and inlays, are told they can no longer see them because of acrimonious divorce and custody battles.

It seems a great shame that the only way for generations of a family to see one another is through the legal system, but perhaps that’s better than nothing.

In the ideal world, even in split families, children would naturally be able to see their grandparents on both the maternal and paternal side without the need for people to fight over them.

Children so often get used as pawns in messy separations, and grandparents could even provide some much needed stability in times of turmoil.

No separation is totally without mess. Perhaps a change in the law would help all those involved in particularly messy scenarios, while more amicable (or, at least, accommodating) families can sort things out for themselves.

What do you think? Does Britain need a change in the law to boost grandparents’ rights?

British relationships suffering due to poor sleep

If sleepless nights are causing problems and arguments between you and your partner, you’re not alone.

A recent survey suggests that over a third of British couples argue because of sleep-related issues.

Research shows that two out of five people get less than six hours of sleep each night, leading to both health and relationship problems.

One in ten people are kept awake by their partner every night, while a quarter say they are woken up at least once a month.

The top five health conditions that cause arguments between couples at night are:

1. Back Pain
2. Restless leg syndrome
3. Night terrors
4. Nocturnal cramp
5. Teeth Grinding

One in five Brits have slept in a different room because of a night-time row and one in four of those polled suffers from sleep envy and are jealous of their partners restful nights sleep.

A third of people in the UK say they end up sleeping on the sofa after a night time argument, while one in three choose the spare bedroom. One in twenty Brits have even slept in the children’s bunk beds in order to get a restful sleep!

Other interesting revelations from the survey include:

• Over half of us are regularly too tired for sex, while 1 in 10 would go without sex in order to get a good nights sleep
• Nearly half (44 per cent) would have more sex if we didn’t feel so tired
• Spooning is the UK’s favourite sleeping position – over a third of British couples (38 per cent) doze off with the man spooning the woman
• Nearly 20 per cent of romantic Brits fall asleep holding hands with their partner
• Not everyone likes to snuggle up – nearly half of all couples (48 per cent) regularly sleep turned away from each other, on opposite sides of the bed
• 36 per cent of people admit to sleeping better on their own – one in twenty have separate beds every night

Solving Sleep Problems

If you are having sleep problems which are leading to problems in your relationship, whether you are not able to fall asleep, wake up too often, don’t feel well-rested when you wake up in the morning, or simply want to improve the quality and quantity of your sleep then try the following top tips put together by sleep expert Chris Idzikowski:

Here are the dos and don’ts to help you get better nights sleep

Do:

• Plan your night – follow a set routine each night that gives you time to relax
• Relax – Try having a warm bath or reading a book before bedtime
• De-clutter – Make your bedroom a clutter free, restful place, with soft lighting
• Invest – buy the best bed you can afford – the average person spends 25 years in their bed so it is essential that your bed is right for you and your partner
• Use the 20 minute rule – get up and rest somewhere else and do not return back to your bed until you feel sleepy
• Exercise regularly – just be careful not exercise too close to bed time as this can prevent the brain from relaxing quickly

Don’t:

• Try to fall asleep – Tell yourself to let go of being awake, rest your eyes and visualize yourself slowly sinking into bed
• Drink alcohol – alcohol cab make you restless and is a diuretic which means more trips to the bathroom at night
• Drink caffeine – this will stay in your system for six hours and act as a stimulant – try herbal or fruit tea as an alternative
• Eat a heavy or spicy meal less than 2 hours before bed – your body needs to rest and not be busy digesting
• Watch TV in bed – this will disturb your partner as well as stop your mind from relaxing
• Keep electrical components in your bedroom

For further tips or to complete the first ever interactive sleep personality quiz to identify how good your sleep is, visit www.goodsleepadvice.com

The survey was carried out by Crampex (the only over the counter product for muscle cramp at night) to highlight November’s Sleep Disturbance Month.

Survey: Busyness and lack of time endangering close relationships

64% of people don’t feel that they give their close relationships enough time according to a new survey published today

The busyness of modern life is taking its toll on our relationships, according to a new survey released today. Many of the 1,000 people interviewed for the Great Relationships Survey admitted that lack of time was the greatest threat to their relationships.

• 64% don’t feel that they give their close relationships enough time
• 44% see their best friends only once a month or less
• 63% feel regularly stressed or tired
• 75% agree that there is never enough time to get through the things they need to do each day
• 28% spend more than 45 hours at work each week
• 14% don’t take at least one day off from work
• 97.5% admit their relationships could be improved

These are just some of the comments from respondents asked about the greatest threats to their relationships:

“Time and prioritising who to spend time with. And too much on the “to-do” list.”

“Time (not enough) + children (third on the way) = tiredness and busyness.”

“Trying to fit too many people in. Not seeing friends enough so that we never get past the ‘catching up phase’ and actually just ‘hang out’. I want to live my life with my friends, not just tell them about life when I see them!”

Relationships consultant and former BBC journalist, Sarah Abell, who compiled the survey for her book “Authentic: Relationships from the Inside Out” said, “Long working hours, the demands of parenting, never-ending ‘to-do’ lists, household chores, overflowing inboxes and the pressures to have it all, do it all and look fantastic are causing many of us to feel stressed.”

“The problem is we can’t have great relationships if we are too stressed, tired or busy. We can fool ourselves that a slower day IS coming, that children only need quality time, that busyness is an OK excuse for not seeing our friends, that our spouse (if we have one) will understand if we are too tired (again) to have sex or that we’ll feel better once we’ve had a holiday. But the truth is life is not going to change unless we make the choice to do things differently.”

In her book, Sarah Abell identifies three different attitudes towards time; the engines, the anchors and the sailing boats.

1. The engines – are always busy. Their mantras are ‘I’m so tired’ or ‘Not now – I’m busy’. They are always on the go and hardly ever relax. They feel driven to keep going and believe that if they don’t do whatever needs doing – it won’t get done. If they don’t feel stressed themselves – those close to them often do! Many engines find delegating difficult. Some engines are compelled by circumstance to be so busy but others are driven by some internal motor. They find stillness uncomfortable and feel time is being wasted if they aren’t achieving something. Engines often need help to have fun, relax and to learn how to prioritise their time – separating the urgent from the important. On the plus side engines make things happen and keep the show on the road!
2. The anchors – prefer to take life easy. Perhaps rather too easy! They tend to be much more passive or lazy than your average person. They enjoy relaxing, having fun and try and get away with the minimum work or chores. Their mantras are ‘I’ll do it later’ and ‘Can’t you just chill?’. Some anchors just feel entitled to an easy life and don’t see why they should exert themselves. Others don’t want to push themselves forward because they are worried of failure and believe not trying is better than having a go and getting it wrong. Anchors often need encouragement to take the initiative or lend a hand. However, on the plus side they can help engines learn how to take a more relaxed approach to life.
3. The sailing boats – have a better work/life balance. They understand the times to be busy but also appreciate when to let go and enjoy a slower pace. They have healthier boundaries and are able to say ‘no’ when they have to. However, they are also happy to say ‘yes’ to a demand or request if they think they can do it. Sailing boats are often the people who have looked at their priorities and decided where they will invest their time, energy and money. They make sure their most important relationships get the best of them – not just the dregs left after every thing else. (Jesus was the classic example of a sailing boat!)

Seven out of ten Brits in relationships say online flirting is OK

For many, flirting by those already in a romantic / committed relationship isn’t seen as a problem, and even less so when it comes to doing it over the Internet. This is borne out by a new survey which found that seven out of ten Brits don’t believe there’s anything wrong in flirting with people online.

Ironically, the research was carried out by a web site encouraging online flirting. Of the 2,600 who took part, all of whom said they had a spouse or full-time partner, about the same number of men and women answered the question “Would you consider flirting online as cheating?” with a resounding “No!”

Many see this as harmless entertainment, but I’m not convinced.

Several years ago the phenomenon of online flirting was being studied, and Nathan Tabor wrote a great article titled Adultery is killing the American family which touches on how Internet usage can affect a relationship.

And do you remember the recent report of a Second Life affair which split a couple up?

Harmless fun or something more sinister?

I realise that there are such things as “open” relationships, and that flirting and eyeing other people up even when romantically involved with someone is often thought acceptable, but I’m a little concerned that 70% of Brits think absolutely nothing of doing it.

There’s something insidious about doing it online, too, because of the increased perception of anonymity.

Relationships really need all the help they can get, and I’m not at all convinced this developing trend will encourage healthy couples.

What do you think?

Photo by believekevin

What’s your worst dating disaster?

British singles have had their fair share of dating disasters, according to a recent survey by online dating site PARSHIP.co.uk.

• Two out of five admitted to turning up late to a first date, or not showing up at all;
• 28% talked about their ex and past sexual experiences;
• 14% confessed to over-indulging in alcohol;
• 6% said they’d been chaperoned by a friend, their mother, or even a pet.

The top ten of bad dating behaviour is:

1. Entrances & Exits: On average, 30% of men and 48% of women admitted to turning up late for a first date, with one in ten women keeping the man waiting for 30 minutes or more. However, 12% of women and 6% of men admitted to taking advantage of their date’s absence at the bar or in the loo, and leaving without saying goodbye. Some dates never even got that far: a total of 5% of men and women said they had turned up to a date, not liked what they saw and then made a speedy exit.
2. The Ex: Most people know they shouldn’t talk about their ex on a first date, but for one in five men and women (27%) the urge has proved too great. In a similar vein, 12% of men and 6% of women admitted to talking about previous sexual experiences.
3. Drinking: A more disturbing set of statistics: 11% of men and 14% of women say they’ve drunk so much alcohol on a first date that they’ve felt they weren’t fully in control of themselves. 25% of men and 20% of women say they’ve drunk 9 units or more on a date. (The recommended weekly maximum intake is 21 units for men and 14 for women, with a two day break.)
4. Yours or mine? 30% of men and 20% of women admitted to going home with their date, with one in four men (26%) and one in five women (20%) claiming it led to sex.
5. The Bill: Credit-crunched Brits are now more likely to keep their hands firmly in their pockets, particularly if the date isn’t going well. One in four women (19%) and 4% of men say they’ve purposely not offered to contribute financially towards the evening, leaving it to their date to pick up the bill.
6. Lies and more lies: 8% of singles say they’ve lied about their age on a first date; 6% pretend that they’re not dating other people, 4% lie about their job and salary, 3% that they still live with their parents — and 2% have conveniently forgotten that they’re not in fact single.
7. What’s in a name? 10% of men and 3% of women say they’ve even forgotten their date’s name.
8. Three’s company: 5% of women and 3% of men say they’ve been chaperoned by a friend or even their mother – on a first date. 1% thought it acceptable to bring a pet, maybe named Gooseberry.
9. Arguments: With all these bad manners going on, maybe it’s surprising that just 3% of singles say they’ve (further) spoiled the evening by arguing.
10. Text, please! 4% of women and 2% of men say they’ve called or texted another potential date in the course of a first date.

Dr Victoria Lukats, psychiatrist and PARSHIP’s dating exert, commented, “For some, a first date can be more like negotiating through a minefield. People can feel under an enormous amount of pressure to make a good impression on a date. Dating faux pas can be put down to several factors, including bad manners, nerves, inexperience or lack of compatibility. Action can be taken to improve bad manners or to calm nerves. On the other hand, if two people have little in common or their personalities clash, it’s never going to be a match made in heaven — but there’s still no harm in behaving in a dignified manner.”

So what’s been your worst dating disaster? Can you even bear to share?

My worst one has to be the week-long visit to a girl I’d been communicating with long-distance. Neither of us had any transport and she lived in the middle of nowhere, so we were driven around (and mad) by either her mother or her ex-boyfriend. Not great.

Parents guide to bereavement published by Positive Parents Confident Kids

When someone important dies it is a distressing event to which people react differently. Some may be shocked, some seem numb, whilst others get very upset and tearful. Coping with personal feelings can be especially difficult if children need to be supported too. It may be difficult for a parent to do the ‘normal’ things and keep to the same routines as their whole perspective changes when they are in shock.

“How you handle death and grief is a blueprint for how your children handle death and grief in their emotional lives,” advises parent coach and author, Sue Atkins, of Positive Parents Confident Kids. “As a parent you are a real-life role model for your children.”

Parents often try to protect their children by not talking about illness or death. This is, of course, understandable as not everyone is comfortable talking about their emotions or knows what to say. However, Sue Atkins believes that, “children are sensitive, intelligent people who need to be listened to and asked how they feel. They have their own personal unique relationship with the person who has died and need to be allowed to express their grief.”

Children handle death and loss in a number of different ways, as do adults, and it is important to understand that children of differing ages react in different ways, and not always as an adult may react or behave.

Children’s understanding of death comes gradually:

Under five years:

• children of this age have little abstract sense of time or distance, so final and forever means very little to them
• dead means less alive
• death is a sleep or a journey
• death and life are interchangeable

From five to eight years:

• death is a frightening person
• death is final
• death is often seen as the end result of violence and aggression
• and often there’s an intense interest in the rituals surrounding death

From around nine years onwards:

• children understand that death is the end of bodily life
• death is inevitable, final and happens to everyone eventually

From around nine years of age most children will have an adult view of death although this will depend on their development, maturity and past experiences of death. “The best way of understanding what children think and feel about death is to listen carefully, talk gently with them, and be guided by them.”

Many parents feel that childhood is a time free from difficulties and challenging events but in reality this just isn’t the case. It is how the parent handles the challenges that makes their children grow up well balanced, resilient and strong, able to handle the blows life deals them.

“Don’t be afraid to be completely natural in your own grief – don’t hide it away from your children. Grief is a natural emotion. Sadness is part of life and by talking it through together your child can experience the healing process first hand,” advises Sue Atkins.

Organisations to help:

Winston’s Wish – The Clara Burgess Centre, Bayshill Road, Cheltenham GL51 3WH
Tel: 01242 515157
Helpline: 0845 203 0405 (Mon-Fri 9-5pm)
Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk

Childline – Freepost NATN1111, London E1 6BR
Tel: 020 7239 1000; 0800 1111 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.childline.org.uk

Childhood Bereavement Network
Tel: 0115 911 8070
Website: www.ncb.org.uk/cbn

Child Bereavement Trust
Tel: 01494 446648 (general inquiries); 0845 357 1000 (information and support line)
Website: www.childbereavement.org.uk

Bad economy: divorce down, domestic violence up

Last year, when the scale of the economic crisis was still dawning upon us, the UK’s Office of National Statistics found that the slowing property market could be reducing the divorce rate.

That doesn’t mean that relationships have suddenly got significantly better. In fact, financial turmoil places a real strain on relationships, and new statistics from US-based LegalMatch paint a much more worrying picture.

While this year’s divorce rate increase of 12% was much less than in previous years (28%), cases of domestic violence had increased over previous years.

Added to this, in November 2008, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, headquartered in Austin, Texas, reported a 21 percent increase in calls compared to last year.

While I’m a strong believer in marriage, the numbers suggest a sad story: that many in relationships where one partner has violent tendencies are even less able to leave now that the financial situation is so dire, and yet that same predicament is obviously leading some people to higher levels of aggression.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can provide a greater sense of security.

What’s really important is to talk to your partner straight away when it comes to dealing with financial problems.

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