Do as I say, not as I do….

Dennis Charles is the CEO of the Fourth Wave Institute in Boston, Massachusetts. He is the father of five beautiful children.

As parents, there are certain things that we can agree on. We want happy, fulfilled kids who are good citizens. We know that children learn this by modeling the behaviour of the most important people in their lives. And for the first few years, this is the behaviour of their parents.

I was at a party last week and I had a fascinating conversation with a single mother about her teenage son. She told me that she hopes that he only does the things she allows him to see. She alluded to a number of things that she does in private that she hopes that he will never find out about. When I told her that kids are very perceptive and that her son probably knows on some level that she does those things, she gave me a resigned smile. “I know” she said, “but I can hope that he doesn’t can’t I?”. Hmm, hope. I think there is more that we can do as parents, than hope.

Your kids come with built in mirror-neurons. They are biological modeling machines and they are going to pick up on everything that you do, on every micro-muscular movement you make. And that includes the things you do when they are not around you.

I constantly get asked what are the three parenting essentials. I reply without any hesitation:

1. Ensure that your kids eat well.
2. Ensure that they get enough sleep.
3. Model for them the behaviours that you want them to express in the outside world.

Is this easy? Of course not, especially in a culture that promotes binge drinking, eating fast food, violence, gossiping, and apathy. But sometimes you have to act counter-culturally. There is a great business book called “Strategy And The Fat Smoker” by a guy called David Maister. In it, Maister says that people get that eating a lot of fast food and smoking cigarettes will make you ill, yet until something drastic happens, they do it anyway. The secret to parenting success is to pick a strategy that you believe in, and do the work it takes to stick to it.

So as parents can we be perfect? Of course not. One of the great traits of humans is our imperfection. However, we can strive to be the best we can, to model for our kids what is important. It takes courage and bravery to to step outside of the cultural norms and stand up for what we believe in. But, I believe that our kids deserve courageous behaviour to model.

Photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt

Father figures wanted…

I am delighted to welcome our latest guest, Mendy, who blogs at The Grafted Tree about her experiences as a single mum bringing up her sister’s kids. Definitely worth a read, as is her first article for us on an important subject…

One of the most sensitive areas of reality for me and my kids (as with many) is the absence of a father figure in our already grafted family. I’m a pretty independent woman, but by no means a raging feminist (no offence) who can’t accept help or who doesn’t want what I call the traditional family structure, which includes 2 parents. I am determined however not to settle, whatever that means.

I have been single for a long time now, and raising two kids who didn’t come out of my own body may be a turn off for some who otherwise might be a good fit for me. Although my stalwart position on this is that I will not marry, or let anyone into my life who does not think…”these kids of hers are the greatest living beings on earth, who make my heart race with joy and excitement every single time I see them”. That criterion is mandatory, even though I know that this person may never love my kids as much as I do. Who really could, but it better be pretty damn close.

I have been on a few dates since becoming the full time mom of my kids, and it is a laborious process, especially when I have made the vow to not introduce my kids to every Sam, Dick, or Harry who may ask me out, or in whom I might see potential. They have already been through enough hell with their biological parents who, to say it in the kindest of words, did not think about their needs or wants at all.

I’ve known moms who have said no to potentially wonderful life-long relationships because of one red flag with their kids. I’ve also seen mothers who have said yes so many times that their kids still have no clue what a real father figure is to a family, and are pushed to the outer margins of importance when it comes to the mothers needs.

There is not much middle ground here folks. So I am anxious to hear your thoughts and beliefs on this critical family issue.

Business leaders shun fathers’ rights to longer paternity leave

In statements which only seek to reinforce the ridiculous lack of work-life balance prevalent in British society, and that continues to erode the rights of fathers, top business leaders have described new paternity leave proposals as “madness”.

Citing yawn-inducing reasons such as “Britain is only just crawling out of recession”, bigwigs such as David Frost, director general of the British Chambers of Commerce venomously laid into the government proposals.

These leaders are completely fixated on profit and business growth, making no mention of the rights of fathers or the importance of families growing strongly.

Perhaps Mr Frost doesn’t have a family, or was an absent father?

Granted, giving new fathers extra paternity leave doesn’t in itself make for stronger families, and it isn’t a complete answer to allowing a family unit to bond with its new member, but it certainly shouldn’t be sniffed at.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s another snub to the role of the father.

Is it any wonder that we are an increasingly fatherless society? I think not. Yet the role of a good father is vital to the successful upbringing of children.

I’m not suggesting that other family units can’t or don’t work, but when a family unit has stayed together, for heaven’s sake allow it to grow.

It’s clear from a recent survey that many fathers are pressurised into not taking even the pittance of leave they’re entitled to now.

Yes, more regulation could add to the burden on companies, but we need to balance the needs of society with the need to grow strong businesses.

Paternity leave campaign launched by British charity

Fathers denied paternity leave

A recent online survey found that many fathers-to-be aren’t taking full advantage of paternity leave, with 40% of men not taking it at all.

Three out of four of those men said that they couldn’t afford to take the leave, while 14% said they didn’t have enough length of service with their employer, and 13% were self-employed and so weren’t entitled to official leave.

It also found that, because the statutory payout was so low, many men chose to take a portion of their holiday entitlement instead.

Employers to blame?

Others spoke of possible bullying tactics by employers.

“My husband’s company made it difficult for him to take the time off – he’s a manager and even though he was entitled to it, it’s a case of if he did take two weeks off, someone else would have basically replaced him,” said one respondent.

Working Families Chief Executive, Sarah Jackson, said that many companies weren’t aware of the rules and were denying paternity leave even to those who were entitled to it.

“Take Up Top Up” Campaign

“We’re launching the campaign to raise awareness about fathers’ rights. But we also need adequate levels of pay if fathers are to be encouraged to take leave. That’s where employers can come in,” she said.

“Many good employers offer contractual pay on top of statutory maternity pay. We want many more employers to “top up” statutory paternity pay to full pay for the two weeks. Time with a new baby is a great gift to a new family and employers will reap the benefit of motivated employees.”

With the UK slowly struggling out of recession, now is not the time many employers want to hear about offering additional pay for fathers, but when so many companies pay at least lip-service to “work life balance”, offering new fathers an opportunity to build a bond with their newborn child is one of the greatest things a company can do.

Paternity rights: the facts

• Statutory Paternity Pay is currently £123.06 a week.
• Notice period – an employee should inform his employer of his intention to take paternity leave by the 15th week before the baby is due.
• Eligibility – an employee must have worked continuously for an employer for 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the baby is due to be eligible for statutory paternity leave and must also meet an earnings requirement to be eligible for statutory paternity pay.
• Advice on paternity rights is available via www.workingfamilies.org.uk or by calling the Working Families helpline on 0800 013 0313.

Are you a dad who has taken, or been denied, paternity leave? Share your experience in the comments below.

Mummy Coach: 10 essential skills to becoming a great mum

Do you feel guilty about trying to juggle work and a family? Or find yourself shouting at your children more than you want to? Well you are far from alone…

• 9/10 Mums say they find combining work and family ‘very stressful’
• 9/10 Mums say they shout at their children more than they want to
• 9/10 Mums say they would describe themselves as ‘frantic’ and not being the mum they want to be
• 8/10 Mums say they ‘often’ feel ‘guilty’
• 10/10 Mums say they want to feel calmer

(PCA SURVEY RESULTS 2009 based on 300 mums)

Children don’t come with a set of instructions and being a mum, although rewarding, can be an unpredictable and challenging adventure, so to help guide you though the uncharted waters of parenthood is an invaluable new book: Mummy Coach – a practical and empowering guide that will help you to become the mum you truly want to be.

Written by one of the UK’s leading parenting experts, Lorraine Thomas, Mummy Coach focuses on the top 10 essential parenting skills and provides a practical and positive programme to develop parental expertise via three simple step skill builder strategies. From learning how to turn family life from frantic to fun to how to be great at discipline, by taking a just a few minutes each day on the exercises you can take your parenting skills to another level and see results from day one.

“As Chief Executive of The Parent Coaching Academy, I’ve worked with hundreds of mums who all know that being a parent is the most important job they’ll ever do and are passionate about getting it right,” said Lorraine. “But it’s tough, especially if you’re combining family with a demanding career.  As a working Mum myself, I know just how challenging and stressful it can be. There’s always too much to do … and never enough Mum to go round.”

How to Grow Great Kids: the instruction manual for parents?

I’ve just been told about a new book (released last November) by Allison Lee.

How To Grow Great Kids: The Good Parents Guide to Rearing Sociable, Confident and Healthy Children might be thought of as the missing instruction manual for parents seeking to raise their kids the best way possible.

With over fifteen years of experience working with kids, Allison has a great deal of knowledge to share. She comments, “There is not and never will be a quick and easy way to getting your kids to eat a healthy diet and stay active. However, what I would say is that children copy their parents` attitudes to life and therefore the onus is on us to help our children to lead a fit, active and healthy lifestyle.”

The book is split into two sections. Part One will help you to:

• Encourage your child’s social and self-help skills
• Manage your child’s behaviour successfully
• Promote your child’s emotional wellbeing

The second part starts with the stages of development from birth through to adolescence and shows you how to:

• Produce healthy balanced meals
• Minimise the risks of allergies and intolerances
• Avoid unhealthy foods

Full of information to guide you as your baby grows into a young adult, this book provides informal, friendly advice to be read cover to cover, or dipped into for support when needed.

Available for a RRP of £10.99 from all good bookstores including Amazon (click here to buy online)

Porn star calls parents to protect their kids online

It’s easy for parents to listen to the hype surrounding what’s on the Internet and fall into one of two traps.

Either the Web consists solely of pornography and other nasty stuff that they don’t want their kids to see, or it’s safe enough to let their children roam unmoderated.

Neither situation is true.

In an interesting, and welcome, twist, US adult film star Ron Jeremy has called for parents to install filtering software onto their computers to stop children gaining access to porn.

“Porn is definitely not for kids. Take it from someone who has worked in the industry for years,” he said at this year’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.

Leaving aside for the moment the rights or wrongs of pornography — something that was debated last Friday in the Mommy Tech area of the show — it’s extremely important that parents are vigilant when it comes to what their kids can access online.

This goes far beyond simply installing software, but also means that parents must talk to their kids, rationally and clearly explaining how to stay safe online.

The fact is, most kids these days are more web and tech-savvy than their parents, and many know how to circumvent filtering software. That’s why dialogue is also vitally important.

We’ve covered the issue of Internet safety in the past. Here’s a selection of articles you might find useful:

• Stranger Danger in the 21st Century: Internet dos and don’ts for parents and children
• UK parents worry about but don’t monitor kids’ online activities
• Kids doing stuff online their parents wouldn’t approve of
• Young children using online social networks, three-quarters of parents “spying” on them
• Parents failing to monitor children’s Internet usage
• Unique family-oriented broadband service offers peace of mind to schools and parents
• Computer sellers partner with NSPCC to guide families in safe practices
• “Mum Says No” software allows parental control over children’s online time, reduces confrontation
• Children’s advocacy group launches NetSmartz411 online safety programme for kids

Top Tips for Birthing Partners

Following our five prenatal yoga positions for labour feature yesterday, here’s a follow-up feature offering some tips for a partner on assisting mum-to-be during labour.

Birthing partners and mums-to-be often explain how they find the idea of both pregnancy and labour an exciting and sometimes daunting experience, whether it’s their first time, or their fourth.

However, global yoga specialist, Jiivana UK has listed its top partner assisted yoga positions to help both partners bond through the pregnancy and prepare for the birth.

Partner Assisted Position 1 – Childs Pose

Assistant draws shoulders back, rotates armpits outwards, presses on sacrum and spreads spine by gently pressing on upper back.

Partner Assisted Position 2 – Swan

Pregnant woman kneels hip width on blanket. Assistant places foot on bolster behind her and then places knee into the mid back, between the shoulder blades. Pregnant woman then raises her arms up to about 45 degrees from her head and the assistant takes hold of her wrists and gently and evenly draws them back to open her chest.

Partner Assisted Position 3 – Sukhasana and Upavista Forward

Sit in crossed legs and lock forearms with your partner. Your partner then leans back being mindful not to curve their lower spine and to drop the shoulders. At the same time the pregnant woman leans forward and gets lengthened along the spine and the underside of the legs. Then change the cross of your legs and repeat.

Bliss from Within has been endorsed as the most comprehensive prenatal Yoga DVD on the market by The National Association of Childbirth Educators as it features two 45-minute yoga programmes, alongside advice on positions and massage for labour, pelvic floor techniques, partner assisted yoga, breathing techniques, home prop for yoga and baby bonding techniques.

The complete package guides pregnant women through a happy and healthy pregnancy, giving them a positive approach to birth.

Zoe Mongey, Managing Director of Jiivana and star of Bliss From Within, said, “Partner assisted yoga is a fabulous way for expecting parents to spend time together considering the journey they are on and the changes they are experiencing. It also has the added bonus of making the mother feel relief from common pregnancy related discomforts whilst making the partner feel involved and helpful.”

Mongey continues, “Within the DVD there is an extremely helpful section on ‘Partner-Assisted Yoga’. This segment coaches both mums-to-be and a partner of their choice through a number of positions that can help during pregnancy. There is also a positions for labour section that provides breathing, massage and support techniques for the birthing partner to use during pregnancy and labour to help assist and relax both mum and baby.

“Understanding and learning these poses will empower pregnant and their birthing partners by giving them the knowledge and understanding of active birth positions.”

For more information on Jiivana please visit www.jiivana.co.uk.

Why simplistic PinkStinks campaign… stinks

I watched a news item today about PinkStinks, a campaign which claims to be sticking up for “real role models” by calling for the boycotting of stores that sell pink toys aimed at girls.

These days it’s so easy to pick on one particular business or a single small thing and call for an all-out boycott or ban, without looking at the bigger picture.

While I have no problem with non-violent direct action and campaigning, I really take issue with parents being coerced into avoiding struggling retailers because of a simple colour choice.

Most people know and agree that gender inequality exists (though not all is bad: we should look for and celebrate the healthy differences between male and female), but surely there’s still a place for little girls to dress as princesses and little boys as soldiers?

It’s interesting that the campaign is targeting pink (girls) despite the fact that both sexes are often stereotyped.

Take this paragraph on the campaign’s web site:

We know the ELC is not the only toy retailer involved in this practice but we believe that by styling its stores as centres of learning the company is making our children a promise it has an absolute duty to live up to.

Do you know something? Retailers are not responsible for teaching our children about the world, about respect, equality, sex, relationships, or indeed anything else.

That’s the parents job (backed up by real centres of learning — schools)

The problem with the PinkStinks campaign is that it implies an absolved responsibility by parents to educate their children with their own morals and values, and how to be independent-minded, respectful and a good citizen in the world.

Now, I am not suggesting that those who started this campaign are bad parents, but is this really worth hurting a company for?

Boycott and campaign against those who seriously exploit workers, children and others through their products or working practices, sure, but why target companies — already struggling in a bad economy — who are just trying to make the most of the Christmas season.

I have friends with young, headstrong kids (and I do mean headstrong) with their own serious opinions (aged 4 and 8 – they’re quite a match sometimes) and yet the girl still likes dressing in pretty dresses (sometimes pink, sometimes with angel/fairy wings). If she grows up to be anything like her mum I don’t believe she’s going to be stereotyped.

Maybe not all kids are like that. If you don’t want your kids to wear pink, don’t let them. Bring them up your way, and explain to them your beliefs and morals.

That’s your job.

But don’t try to harm a business for selling things that a large proportion of the population wants to buy.

It’s worth bearing in mind that the “pink” stereotype does tend to continue into adulthood. Just take a look at the range of gadgets, clothes and makeup targeted at women that’s pink.

Hurting British businesses who, on the grand scale of things, have done little (if anything) wrong, will only hurt more people in the long run.

I am certain my viewpoint won’t be popular with many, but I stand by my belief that we have to take a much more holistic view of gender stereotypes rather than picking on one small thing.

Please don’t boycott the Early Learning Centre this Christmas. They’re an excellent retailer and deserve your custom.

Update: Here’s a fantastic article from Lindsey (who left a comment here): Why every little girl should have the right to choose pink

Informal childcare: reasons and influences to be researched

Some 3.9 million parents in the UK currently rely on informal childcare — that which is supplied by friends and relatives — rather than paid-for, formal professional services.

The Daycare Trust has now received a grant of nearly £370,000 from the Big Lottery Fund to look into the reasons and influences for this decision.

Views from parents and carers will be gathered to see how much class, locality, parental status and social disadvantage plays a role, and whether the availability of higher quality formal childcare would influence parental preference.

Chief Executives Alison Garnham and Emma Knights said: “Despite record investment in formal childcare, the number of parents using informal childcare remains higher than for formal provision and politicians are beginning to focus more attention on what it offers. Parents often say ‘trust’ is behind this choice, and this study aims to find out exactly what this means.

“No existing study offers a clear analysis of the reasons parents choose informal childcare, nor do they often consider the views of the carers. Also, the childcare market can look very different depending on where in England you live, as can attitudes towards formal childcare depending on a parent’s ethnicity and social location. We aim to fill these gaps and find out whether there is a real preference for informal care or whether other issues, such as the cost, quality and availability of suitable childcare also play a part.”

Are over-the-counter DNA paternity tests ethical?

Hackney, in East London, is one of the first areas in the United Kingdom to allow chemists to sell over-the-counter DNA paternity testing kits.

A short but interesting piece on BBC London News raises the inevitable ethical questions of allowing such easy access to these tests.

Ian Meekins from International Biosciences, manufacturer of the test, is unsurprisingly in favour of the kit which provides “indisputable answers to emotive questions”, claiming that “people have the right to be able to get those answers.”

He may well be right. There is a certain level of choice involved here, although the finances required to receive test results could be a barrier in themselves — the kit costs £30 but a further payment of £119 is required in order to have the test processed.

The method for collecting the DNA samples is simple. Use a separate mouth swab for the mother, the child, and the man who is testing for paternity, and then send the swabs away to be analysed.

That’s the finances and the procedure taken care of, but what about the rights and emotional wellbeing of the child?

Josephine Quintavalle from the ethics organisation Comment on Reproductive Ethics is convinced that children are not being protected.

She said that, most often, the tests are not done for the benefit of the child, and are taken without their consent. It’s disputing, warring couples where the male involved is effectively deciding whether to accept or reject the child.

“We have a duty to protect children and their rights in this instance,” she said.

However, the Hackney chemist selling the kits said that he will provide counselling to those families who need it.

Sadly, in these days, the issue of paternity comes up a lot, and while a kit like this makes it physically easy to determine who the biological father is, we surely have to question whether it’s always the best thing to do.

I am sure there are plenty of situations where men who are not biological fathers are doing a fine job of bringing up children. Granted, there are other issues such as the right for a child, at the appropriate time, to know who their biological parents are, but particularly when very young children are involved, is there potential to do more harm than good in making these sorts of tests so readily available?

Presumably, if trials are successful in Hackney, the test could be rolled out nationwide.

An emotive subject, surely, but I’d be interested to hear your views.

Read the original news story at BBC News Online

Should “Grandparents Law” be introduced in Britain?

Many people believe in the important role that grandparents play in the upbringing of children, despite the fact that Western society has changed significantly over the past few decades, and that the idea of a connected family is quite different to that in many Eastern countries.

That being the case, there are still cases where grandparents are unable to see their grandchildren due to familial breakdown and a lack of communication, and it seems to be for this reason that the Conservatives have suggested that grandparents will be given greater recognition under a Tory government.

In cases where parents split and divorce, new laws could ensure that grandparents are still granted access to their grandchildren, or even be given priority in custody cases, depending on the circumstances.

David Shields, from the Grandparents’ Association, said that the current law means grandparents have no voice or say at all. “They have no more rights than a stranger. They don’t even have a right to stay in touch with their grandchildren,” he told the Daily Mail.

We hear stories of grandparents who, after sharing many happy times with their grandkids, and helping out their children and inlays, are told they can no longer see them because of acrimonious divorce and custody battles.

It seems a great shame that the only way for generations of a family to see one another is through the legal system, but perhaps that’s better than nothing.

In the ideal world, even in split families, children would naturally be able to see their grandparents on both the maternal and paternal side without the need for people to fight over them.

Children so often get used as pawns in messy separations, and grandparents could even provide some much needed stability in times of turmoil.

No separation is totally without mess. Perhaps a change in the law would help all those involved in particularly messy scenarios, while more amicable (or, at least, accommodating) families can sort things out for themselves.

What do you think? Does Britain need a change in the law to boost grandparents’ rights?

Next Page »