Dads: Would you miss the birth of your first child to see England in the World Cup Final?

Extraordinary as it may seem to anyone not caught up in this year’s football World Cup, one in five men have admitted they’d miss being at the birth of their first child if it coincided with England playing in the final.

Expectant mums with due date on or around Saturday 11th July this year may want to check that their partners are planning to be around for the birth — that is, assuming she wants him there.

Changing Times

Times and practices have changed significantly in the past four-and-a-half decades since England won the World Cup. Back in 1966, fathers were not expected to be at the birth. Today, nine out of ten male partners are present (according to statistics from the National Childbirth Trust) so staying away may be viewed with suspicion — particularly if it’s for a football match.

Births, Marriages, Deaths

It’s not just births that suffer when men have to weigh the importance of football against them.

One quarter of respondents said that they’d miss the funeral of a close friend or family member, while 30% would miss or cancel their own wedding.

It seems glamour will win over footy fans, with over half said they’d go on a first date with Cheryl Cole instead of watching the Final.

Find the full results at http://worldcup.partybets.com.

The bitter confessions of a not-yet-dad

The intimate thoughts of a man who is not yet a father, yet so desperately wants to be. Sometimes shocking, always heartfelt. And, as yet, no end in sight.

Pain of History

We’ve been trying to conceive for over five years now, and we’ve been through our unfair share of heartache, grief, confusion and anger.

As the man, it seems that I’m supposed to recover more quickly from the grief of miscarriage — the loss of our unseen child — yet the wounds have still to heal despite the years that have passed since the last one.

My friends would expect me to be “over it” by now. They don’t really ask any more. If they do, it’s superficial. I guess that’s just another stereotypical “man thing”.

I should be strong for my wife, and indeed I try. The pain ebbs and flows, but never disappears, for either of us.

I don’t have the biological attachment to the children we have lost, or the baby that is yet to come, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not involved; that I don’t ‘feel’ anything.

Anger at Others

When I’m not lost in my own grief, yet not in a good place either, I am embarrassed and shocked at my reaction to others.

I like to think I’m generally tolerant, yet when it comes to adults and their relationships with children, I turn into a raging bull.

Only in my head, of course, or under my breath. Perhaps occasionally out loud — yet so far I’ve got away with not upsetting anyone or getting myself beaten up.

The woman who aborts her unborn child because of inconvenience.

The parents who treat their children like scum.

Or who flippantly dismiss their life, their hurts, their fears, their achievements.

Who slowly (or not so slowly) saps away their life force.

Who complain about their kids — you know, you never had to have kids. I wish you hadn’t. How dare you treat them the way you do?

I would be much better a parent than you.

Of course, I’m always right.

And it’s totally justified for me to imprint my life upon theirs, and call out their mistakes — the ones I would never make — because of what’s missing in my own.

The treadmill

Sometimes, life seems to stand still.

Of course, all the mundane details continue, but sometimes it’s as if it passes in black and white.

I don’t try to waste my life.

I don’t say that a baby is “the answer”, and would make everything right.

We make the best of our lives — we enjoy them as best we can — yet there’s always an undercurrent of thought of what’s missing.

We walk the treadmill as others walk past.

One couple conceives, bears for nine months, has a healthy baby.

A second couple conceives, bears for nine months, has a healthy baby.

A third, and a fourth, and yet a fifth.

It continues.

We watch them pass.

They look back with sympathy, even compassion, but they can do nothing but live their own fruitful lives.

We wouldn’t expect them to.

Yet it doesn’t make things any easier.

The medical farce

And we go for “tests”.

And “more tests”.

We are prodded, and poked, and sometimes patronised.

There are many hoops to jump through (they are kindly passed in front of our treadmill).

And it seems to make no difference.

And I wonder if I even have the strength to keep going to the hospital to see the consultant.

Does it even matter?

When?

So we continue to ask “when?”

My faith is weak. Existent, but weak.

And I wonder how many other not-yet-dads go through this.

Month after month.

Year after year.

We have strength, yes, but it only goes so far.

We are called to be fathers. Good fathers. We can feel it in our whole body.

Yet, for now, we are still denied.

Does this confession ring true? Share, write about your own experiences and link them here. It won’t solve the pain but it may provide solidarity. As we wait.

Image credits: zoutedrop, dcinput, cmcbrown and SomeDriftwood

Pregnancy roundup: high fat diet cancer link; smoking and low sperm count

High fat diet and cancer

A new study suggests that a high-fat diet during pregnancy can have a knock-on health effect two generations of females down the line.

The US study suggests that a junk food diet may cause genetic changes that can lead to breast cancer in both daughters and granddaughters.

One could argue that the findings are superfluous at one level, because mothers are already recommended to eat a well-balanced, healthy diet.

However, despite the fact that the experiments were conducted on rats, it does add fuel to the argument that environmental factors can cause inheritable genetic changes.

Via

Smoking linked to low sperm count in sons

There are surely enough health reasons already to discourage expectant mothers from smoking during pregnancy, but if they weren’t enough, consider adding infertility of sons to that list.

Leading reproductive biologist, Professor Richard Sharpe, suggests that damage done in the womb from exposure of the unborn male to cigarette smoke can be even greater than that caused by a man smoking in later life.

“This review reminds us that the sperm production capacity of men is probably established quite early in life and perhaps even before they are born,” said male fertility expert, Dr Allan Pacey. “This highlights the importance of women having healthy pregnancies and not exposing their baby to harmful chemicals, such as cigarette smoke.”

Via

Would you let your child visit random webcams?

While it’s true that Internet fear goes rather over the top at times, there are a number of services that could be disasters waiting to happen.

Though parents try to educate their children about Internet safety, then try to keep an eye on what they’re doing — all while their kids are technologically more savvy than them — certain services come along that are simply asking for trouble.

A haven for exhibitionists (and perverts?), services such as ChatRoulette.com offer to hook you up with random strangers on the web, all conducted via webcams.

Stereotypically, many people who use these services are men looking for women, often with ‘interesting’ ideas of what’s acceptable to do in front of a camera.

It’s common for users to request each other to perform sexualised acts — hardly something appropriate, desirable or even legal for your kids to be involved with.

Yet I am aware that a number of teenagers who are quite happily using these services, often with the express intention of getting some kind of ‘shock value’.

Many of these services are, by nature, pretty anonymous. There are no restrictions to signup and security is lax.

It’s unlikely that the services themselves will be regulated, and even if some more legitimate software exists, there’ll always be shadier software lurking. With the way web sites and services become popular these days — spreading virally on social networking services like Facebook — a new one could pop up every day.

Many organisations and children’s groups have spoken out, calling for better security and reporting measures to be implemented — measures such as a ‘panic button’ that can alert the police or other legitimate services if a child has a concern about something they’ve seen or experienced online.

Ultimately, though, the responsibility comes down to the parents or carers to educate their kids, regulate Internet usage in a proactive, not reactive, way, and be around to support their kids if they have bad experiences online.

Pregnancy roundup: epilepsy, exercise, incontinence

A trio of pregnancy-related health topics hit the headlines last week. Here’s a roundup.

Drinking during pregnancy increases epilepsy risk

According to research from the University of New Mexico’s Department of Neurosciences, children of mothers who drink during their pregnancy are six times more likely to suffer from epilepsy as they grow older, with an increased risk of at least one seizure at some point during their lives.

This adds to a growing body of study that indicates connections between drinking during pregnancy and rates of alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, Parkinson’s Disease and stroke, and while it’s important to note that there’s no direct cause-effect here, it’s definitely something worth considering.

Via

Exercising mothers give birth to lighter babies

Women who exercise while pregnant gave birth to babies on average a third of a pound lighter than those of women who didn’t.

By ‘exercise’, we’re talking about the equivalent of daily 40-minute stationary cycling sessions, maintained until at least the 36th week of pregnancy.

Dr Paul Hofman who led the study said: “Our findings show that regular aerobic exercise alters the maternal environment in some way that has an impact on nutrient stimulation of fetal growth, resulting in a reduction in offspring birth weight. Given that large birth size is associated with increased risk of obesity, a modest reduction in birthweight may have long-term health benefits for offspring by lowering this risk later in life.”

Via

Incontinence during pregnancy ups risk afterwards

Women who experience any kind of incontinence during pregnancy are more likely than other women to have the problem after giving birth.

Unsurprisingly, natural childbirth carried a higher risk than those who had a caesarian section.

Via

Election 2010: Charity calls for more family-friendly workplaces

While the political parties lay out their manifestos for the coming general election, a leading family charity has published its demands for fairer workplaces, which it hopes any new Government would seriously consider.

Working Families, which has already raised awareness of paternity leave issues and has called for an end to maternity and paternity division, is seeking assurances from whoever makes up the Government next month to put the rights of families at the top of the workplace agenda.

Calls for change include:

• extending the Right to Request for flexible working to all workers
• offering jobs on flexible or part-time basis except where there are sound business reasons against
• fathers/partners, including those self-employed and adopters, having paternity leave entitlement and right to extended leave
• introduction of flexible, paid parental leave, plus equivalent for carers
• flexible and affordable childcare that reflects flexible work patterns
• tax credits and contribution to childcare costs to be paid at 100% not 80%

Sarah Jackson, Chief Executive of Working Families, said, “Many of our demands are cost neutral or could even save money. Extending the Right to Request flexible working to all employees is a simple step forward that could have a profound impact on the UK’s working culture.

“For the sake of the UK’s economy we need to use the talents of all our employees. Workplace flexibility, as President Obama noted last week, affects the strength of the economy, the success of businesses and the wellbeing of families.

“More family-shaped jobs means more parents in work, and a chance for the next government to make progress in closing the gender pay gap and addressing child poverty.

“The next five years need to see a great leap forward for fathers. Today’s leave arrangements for parents mean loaded choices for families, and too often result in poor outcomes for women in terms of discrimination and sidelining at work. Men are missing out on valuable family time. Government leadership, as well as improved rights for fathers, is needed.

“And we need a real commitment to make life easier for parents struggling with childcare, particularly in holiday times. Today’s climate is uncertain for parents and they need a simple and responsive tax and benefits system that reflects frequent changes in their hours of work and childcare arrangements.”

Do as I say, not as I do….

Dennis Charles is the CEO of the Fourth Wave Institute in Boston, Massachusetts. He is the father of five beautiful children.

As parents, there are certain things that we can agree on. We want happy, fulfilled kids who are good citizens. We know that children learn this by modeling the behaviour of the most important people in their lives. And for the first few years, this is the behaviour of their parents.

I was at a party last week and I had a fascinating conversation with a single mother about her teenage son. She told me that she hopes that he only does the things she allows him to see. She alluded to a number of things that she does in private that she hopes that he will never find out about. When I told her that kids are very perceptive and that her son probably knows on some level that she does those things, she gave me a resigned smile. “I know” she said, “but I can hope that he doesn’t can’t I?”. Hmm, hope. I think there is more that we can do as parents, than hope.

Your kids come with built in mirror-neurons. They are biological modeling machines and they are going to pick up on everything that you do, on every micro-muscular movement you make. And that includes the things you do when they are not around you.

I constantly get asked what are the three parenting essentials. I reply without any hesitation:

1. Ensure that your kids eat well.
2. Ensure that they get enough sleep.
3. Model for them the behaviours that you want them to express in the outside world.

Is this easy? Of course not, especially in a culture that promotes binge drinking, eating fast food, violence, gossiping, and apathy. But sometimes you have to act counter-culturally. There is a great business book called “Strategy And The Fat Smoker” by a guy called David Maister. In it, Maister says that people get that eating a lot of fast food and smoking cigarettes will make you ill, yet until something drastic happens, they do it anyway. The secret to parenting success is to pick a strategy that you believe in, and do the work it takes to stick to it.

So as parents can we be perfect? Of course not. One of the great traits of humans is our imperfection. However, we can strive to be the best we can, to model for our kids what is important. It takes courage and bravery to to step outside of the cultural norms and stand up for what we believe in. But, I believe that our kids deserve courageous behaviour to model.

Photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt

Father figures wanted…

I am delighted to welcome our latest guest, Mendy, who blogs at The Grafted Tree about her experiences as a single mum bringing up her sister’s kids. Definitely worth a read, as is her first article for us on an important subject…

One of the most sensitive areas of reality for me and my kids (as with many) is the absence of a father figure in our already grafted family. I’m a pretty independent woman, but by no means a raging feminist (no offence) who can’t accept help or who doesn’t want what I call the traditional family structure, which includes 2 parents. I am determined however not to settle, whatever that means.

I have been single for a long time now, and raising two kids who didn’t come out of my own body may be a turn off for some who otherwise might be a good fit for me. Although my stalwart position on this is that I will not marry, or let anyone into my life who does not think…”these kids of hers are the greatest living beings on earth, who make my heart race with joy and excitement every single time I see them”. That criterion is mandatory, even though I know that this person may never love my kids as much as I do. Who really could, but it better be pretty damn close.

I have been on a few dates since becoming the full time mom of my kids, and it is a laborious process, especially when I have made the vow to not introduce my kids to every Sam, Dick, or Harry who may ask me out, or in whom I might see potential. They have already been through enough hell with their biological parents who, to say it in the kindest of words, did not think about their needs or wants at all.

I’ve known moms who have said no to potentially wonderful life-long relationships because of one red flag with their kids. I’ve also seen mothers who have said yes so many times that their kids still have no clue what a real father figure is to a family, and are pushed to the outer margins of importance when it comes to the mothers needs.

There is not much middle ground here folks. So I am anxious to hear your thoughts and beliefs on this critical family issue.

Business leaders shun fathers’ rights to longer paternity leave

In statements which only seek to reinforce the ridiculous lack of work-life balance prevalent in British society, and that continues to erode the rights of fathers, top business leaders have described new paternity leave proposals as “madness”.

Citing yawn-inducing reasons such as “Britain is only just crawling out of recession”, bigwigs such as David Frost, director general of the British Chambers of Commerce venomously laid into the government proposals.

These leaders are completely fixated on profit and business growth, making no mention of the rights of fathers or the importance of families growing strongly.

Perhaps Mr Frost doesn’t have a family, or was an absent father?

Granted, giving new fathers extra paternity leave doesn’t in itself make for stronger families, and it isn’t a complete answer to allowing a family unit to bond with its new member, but it certainly shouldn’t be sniffed at.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s another snub to the role of the father.

Is it any wonder that we are an increasingly fatherless society? I think not. Yet the role of a good father is vital to the successful upbringing of children.

I’m not suggesting that other family units can’t or don’t work, but when a family unit has stayed together, for heaven’s sake allow it to grow.

It’s clear from a recent survey that many fathers are pressurised into not taking even the pittance of leave they’re entitled to now.

Yes, more regulation could add to the burden on companies, but we need to balance the needs of society with the need to grow strong businesses.

Paternity leave campaign launched by British charity

Fathers denied paternity leave

A recent online survey found that many fathers-to-be aren’t taking full advantage of paternity leave, with 40% of men not taking it at all.

Three out of four of those men said that they couldn’t afford to take the leave, while 14% said they didn’t have enough length of service with their employer, and 13% were self-employed and so weren’t entitled to official leave.

It also found that, because the statutory payout was so low, many men chose to take a portion of their holiday entitlement instead.

Employers to blame?

Others spoke of possible bullying tactics by employers.

“My husband’s company made it difficult for him to take the time off – he’s a manager and even though he was entitled to it, it’s a case of if he did take two weeks off, someone else would have basically replaced him,” said one respondent.

Working Families Chief Executive, Sarah Jackson, said that many companies weren’t aware of the rules and were denying paternity leave even to those who were entitled to it.

“Take Up Top Up” Campaign

“We’re launching the campaign to raise awareness about fathers’ rights. But we also need adequate levels of pay if fathers are to be encouraged to take leave. That’s where employers can come in,” she said.

“Many good employers offer contractual pay on top of statutory maternity pay. We want many more employers to “top up” statutory paternity pay to full pay for the two weeks. Time with a new baby is a great gift to a new family and employers will reap the benefit of motivated employees.”

With the UK slowly struggling out of recession, now is not the time many employers want to hear about offering additional pay for fathers, but when so many companies pay at least lip-service to “work life balance”, offering new fathers an opportunity to build a bond with their newborn child is one of the greatest things a company can do.

Paternity rights: the facts

• Statutory Paternity Pay is currently £123.06 a week.
• Notice period – an employee should inform his employer of his intention to take paternity leave by the 15th week before the baby is due.
• Eligibility – an employee must have worked continuously for an employer for 26 weeks by the end of the 15th week before the baby is due to be eligible for statutory paternity leave and must also meet an earnings requirement to be eligible for statutory paternity pay.
• Advice on paternity rights is available via www.workingfamilies.org.uk or by calling the Working Families helpline on 0800 013 0313.

Are you a dad who has taken, or been denied, paternity leave? Share your experience in the comments below.

Mummy Coach: 10 essential skills to becoming a great mum

Do you feel guilty about trying to juggle work and a family? Or find yourself shouting at your children more than you want to? Well you are far from alone…

• 9/10 Mums say they find combining work and family ‘very stressful’
• 9/10 Mums say they shout at their children more than they want to
• 9/10 Mums say they would describe themselves as ‘frantic’ and not being the mum they want to be
• 8/10 Mums say they ‘often’ feel ‘guilty’
• 10/10 Mums say they want to feel calmer

(PCA SURVEY RESULTS 2009 based on 300 mums)

Children don’t come with a set of instructions and being a mum, although rewarding, can be an unpredictable and challenging adventure, so to help guide you though the uncharted waters of parenthood is an invaluable new book: Mummy Coach – a practical and empowering guide that will help you to become the mum you truly want to be.

Written by one of the UK’s leading parenting experts, Lorraine Thomas, Mummy Coach focuses on the top 10 essential parenting skills and provides a practical and positive programme to develop parental expertise via three simple step skill builder strategies. From learning how to turn family life from frantic to fun to how to be great at discipline, by taking a just a few minutes each day on the exercises you can take your parenting skills to another level and see results from day one.

“As Chief Executive of The Parent Coaching Academy, I’ve worked with hundreds of mums who all know that being a parent is the most important job they’ll ever do and are passionate about getting it right,” said Lorraine. “But it’s tough, especially if you’re combining family with a demanding career.  As a working Mum myself, I know just how challenging and stressful it can be. There’s always too much to do … and never enough Mum to go round.”

How to Grow Great Kids: the instruction manual for parents?

I’ve just been told about a new book (released last November) by Allison Lee.

How To Grow Great Kids: The Good Parents Guide to Rearing Sociable, Confident and Healthy Children might be thought of as the missing instruction manual for parents seeking to raise their kids the best way possible.

With over fifteen years of experience working with kids, Allison has a great deal of knowledge to share. She comments, “There is not and never will be a quick and easy way to getting your kids to eat a healthy diet and stay active. However, what I would say is that children copy their parents` attitudes to life and therefore the onus is on us to help our children to lead a fit, active and healthy lifestyle.”

The book is split into two sections. Part One will help you to:

• Encourage your child’s social and self-help skills
• Manage your child’s behaviour successfully
• Promote your child’s emotional wellbeing

The second part starts with the stages of development from birth through to adolescence and shows you how to:

• Produce healthy balanced meals
• Minimise the risks of allergies and intolerances
• Avoid unhealthy foods

Full of information to guide you as your baby grows into a young adult, this book provides informal, friendly advice to be read cover to cover, or dipped into for support when needed.

Available for a RRP of £10.99 from all good bookstores including Amazon (click here to buy online)

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