Parents guide to bereavement published by Positive Parents Confident Kids

When someone important dies it is a distressing event to which people react differently. Some may be shocked, some seem numb, whilst others get very upset and tearful. Coping with personal feelings can be especially difficult if children need to be supported too. It may be difficult for a parent to do the ‘normal’ things and keep to the same routines as their whole perspective changes when they are in shock.

“How you handle death and grief is a blueprint for how your children handle death and grief in their emotional lives,” advises parent coach and author, Sue Atkins, of Positive Parents Confident Kids. “As a parent you are a real-life role model for your children.”

Parents often try to protect their children by not talking about illness or death. This is, of course, understandable as not everyone is comfortable talking about their emotions or knows what to say. However, Sue Atkins believes that, “children are sensitive, intelligent people who need to be listened to and asked how they feel. They have their own personal unique relationship with the person who has died and need to be allowed to express their grief.”

Children handle death and loss in a number of different ways, as do adults, and it is important to understand that children of differing ages react in different ways, and not always as an adult may react or behave.

Children’s understanding of death comes gradually:

Under five years:

• children of this age have little abstract sense of time or distance, so final and forever means very little to them
• dead means less alive
• death is a sleep or a journey
• death and life are interchangeable

From five to eight years:

• death is a frightening person
• death is final
• death is often seen as the end result of violence and aggression
• and often there’s an intense interest in the rituals surrounding death

From around nine years onwards:

• children understand that death is the end of bodily life
• death is inevitable, final and happens to everyone eventually

From around nine years of age most children will have an adult view of death although this will depend on their development, maturity and past experiences of death. “The best way of understanding what children think and feel about death is to listen carefully, talk gently with them, and be guided by them.”

Many parents feel that childhood is a time free from difficulties and challenging events but in reality this just isn’t the case. It is how the parent handles the challenges that makes their children grow up well balanced, resilient and strong, able to handle the blows life deals them.

“Don’t be afraid to be completely natural in your own grief – don’t hide it away from your children. Grief is a natural emotion. Sadness is part of life and by talking it through together your child can experience the healing process first hand,” advises Sue Atkins.

Organisations to help:

Winston’s Wish – The Clara Burgess Centre, Bayshill Road, Cheltenham GL51 3WH
Tel: 01242 515157
Helpline: 0845 203 0405 (Mon-Fri 9-5pm)
Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk

Childline – Freepost NATN1111, London E1 6BR
Tel: 020 7239 1000; 0800 1111 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.childline.org.uk

Childhood Bereavement Network
Tel: 0115 911 8070
Website: www.ncb.org.uk/cbn

Child Bereavement Trust
Tel: 01494 446648 (general inquiries); 0845 357 1000 (information and support line)
Website: www.childbereavement.org.uk

Kids doing stuff online their parents wouldn’t approve of, survey finds

We’ve covered the subject of children’s usage of the Internet quite a bit already, as understandably it’s a subject of concern to parents.

Last year, a survey found that three-quarters of parents are spying on their kids online activities, despite another report suggesting that parents are failing to monitor their kids’ online habits.

Well, if the latest survey is to be believed, kids are still running rife on the Internet with their parents nearly clueless about what’s going on.

Bit black and white, eh, but then this was commissioned by a security software company (Symantec) so you might expect them to be pushing the virtues of their PC monitoring software.

In any case, their survey found that although three-quarters of parents are talking to their children about staying safe online, kids may still be bending the rules.

When questioned on how much time their children were spending online, parents answered with an average of 18.8 hours per month. In fact, the data suggests that kids are online for over twice that amount – 43.5 hours per month.

More worrying than simply how much time kids were spending online was that, when questioned, one in five said that they had looked at content on the Internet they knew their parents wouldn’t approve of.

“Having an open discussion with your children is something we really encourage,” said Marian Merritt, Symantec’s Internet Safety Advocate. “It’s not about coming down hard on them when they encounter inappropriate content, as the Internet is a great place to learn and to play, but there have to be boundaries. Kids in the UK are pretty Internet savvy, and parents need to keep up. We are encouraged by what we’re seeing, but there’s still work to be done by parents.”

Other interesting statistics from the survey included:

• 93% agree it’s their responsibility to protect kids online.
• 54% have set parental controls on web usage – the highest percentage globally bar India at 55%.
• 81% are confident they know what their children are looking at online.
• 31% of UK kids say their parents don’t know what they view online.
• 65% of UK parents feel very or extremely knowledgeable about discussing whether and when to share personal information on the Internet with their children.
• 16% of parents prefer to chat about sensitive subjects online rather than face-to-face.

There’s a load more information at the Norton Online Living web site.

Parents and kids struggle to communicate about school

A new study shows that kids aren’t keen to share the details of their day at school with parents.

Most parents surveyed by Becta said that they didn’t know as much about their child’s day at school as they’d like to, with nearly half saying that they find it difficult or very difficult to extract information from their child.

On the other side of the coin, about the same proportion of children don’t like to share information with their parents, preferring to keep their school day private.

Professor Tanya Byron compiled the report which investigates the after-school communication challenge and provides guidelines to help parents improve interaction with both children and schools by using technology in addition to more traditional methods.

According to Professor Byron, this inability or unwillingness for parent and child to communicate might have implications which will hamper a child’s progress, creating stress between the parent-child relationship and creating tension between parent and school as the packed school itinerary gets ‘lost in translation’.

The report shows that while more than 90% of children say their parents are interested in their education, the majority of parents are struggling to get involved with their child’s learning, with many finding it difficult to get information on what is actually happening once their child is at school.

Despite packed lesson plans and innovative use of technologies, the research reveals that just 16% of children proactively communicate with their parents about their school day.

Becta’s Next Generation Learning campaign is urging parents to talk to their child’s school to find out how technology is already being used and also discuss ways it can help improve day-to-day communications between them and the school in the future.

Professor Tanya Byron comments, “This report highlights how fundamental positive communication within and after school can help raise attainment and build children’s sense of self worth. By creating a collaborative, three-way dialogue between parents, schools and children; by harnessing the new and exciting technologies that enable seamless communication between school and home; and – most importantly – by engaging children in after school communication that is fun, relaxed, open and well timed, we can all enable them to maximise their academic potential and enjoy their school and further education years.”

More information about this initiative is available at the Next Generation Learning web site.

Selfless mums get less than 30 minutes a day for themselves

Some things don’t change, like the amount of time mums give themselves to relax and recharge.

Nearly two years ago, a survey by casual game company PopCap Games found that mums had just 23 minutes of “me time” each day.

A new survey reflects that, with over three-quarters of mums questioned by MamaBabyBliss saying that they neglect themselves in favour of putting their families first, with three out of five mums spending less than half-an-hour on themselves each day, and a quarter sparing just 15 minutes.

As for other methods of pampering… two-thirds of mums said they only treated themselves to something like a massage, beauty treatment, or even just a long soak in the bath, a few times a year – or never.

“Mums find it very hard to spend time on themselves due to the daily demands of life. But often, even if they have the time, they feel guilty about not spending it with their children or partner or getting on with the next set of chores,” explains Justina Perry, founder of MamaBabyBliss. “Mums need to give themselves permission to have time off and to look after themselves, whether it’s a long walk on their own, a beauty treatment, yoga class or bubble bath. After all, happy relaxed mums make happy relaxed families.”

MamaBabyBliss, dedicated to the well-being of mothers and babies, offers a range of natural products and resources designed for mums and mums-to-be.

BBC announces new drama and animation for children

There’s an exciting line up of programming for children coming from the BBC including historical drama, animation, and the return of Tracy Beaker.

Horrible Histories

An all-star cast of well-known British comedy actors have come together to record a series of dramatisation of Terry Deary’s books.

Sarah Hadland, Steve Punt and Meera Syal have brought to life strange facts, rotten rulers, gory battles, crazy inventions and weird and wonderful moments from the past, with stars including Jim Howick, Simon Farnaby and Ben Ward.

Starting out in the Savage Stone Age, Horrible Histories progresses through the Awful Egyptians, Rotten Romans, Vicious Vikings, Measly Middle Ages, Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians and Vile Victorians, right up to the Woeful Second World War.

Each episode features a mixture of sketches from different ages, played by the talented ensemble cast, and commentary from the show’s host Rattus Rattus – the talking rat.

Liberally splattered with guts, blood and poo, Horrible Histories romps through the ages in a collection of sketches, cartoons and quizzes.

Including pastiches of some familiar TV formats such as Historical Wife Swap, Historical Hospital and Ready Steady Feast, the series also features numerous songs including the Four Georges song – a musical journey through 18th Century British history in the style of a Westlife ballad.

OOglies

What do you get when you add a pair of eyes to everyday household objects and foods? The OOglies of course!

Commissioned by BBC Scotland for CBBC, OOglies is a fast-paced sketch show which sees everyday household objects come alive with a simple pair of googly eyes.

The OOglies world will “be home” to more than 70 characters such as The Scramblers, a trio of motorbike riding stunt eggs, Lonely Sprout, a cheery little sprout who just wants to make friends, and Devious Blender, an evil blender who deceives fruit into getting into him, and many more!

The series will be made using cutting edge technology – digital animatics in fact – which speeds up the animation process by about four times. The aim is for each animator to produce 20 to 25 seconds a day.

“Through the success of Wallace & Gromit, people have become familiar with stop-frame animation and characters made with modelling clay, but OOglies will be a new spin with actual everyday real objects – for the most part – coming to life, having fun, sometimes misbehaving, and communicating with their googly eyes. The pace of the series will be fast, furious and funny,” said series producer Nick Hopkin.

Tracy Beaker

Finally, Jacqueline Wilson’s Tracy Beaker will return to our screens in 2010 in a new original 13-part series.

This new drama will see teenage Tracy back at the Dumping Ground, but this time as a carer.

Welcoming the return of Tracy, Jacqueline said, “So many children ask me what happened to her when she got older, now we can finally find out.”

The show picks up as Tracy is now living with Cam, something she has dreamt of for years. She is writing a book – The Story of Tracy Beaker – which gives an account of her sometimes outrageous actions when she was a youngster in care herself.

She is convinced that the book will be an instant hit that will make her rich and famous in the process. However, after a series of disasters, she realises she needs to earn some cash, and despite her better instincts, her experiences make her perfect for working in a care home, and she is drawn back to the Dumping Ground.

Although she no longer lives there, she quickly becomes embroiled in to the lives of the current residents, meeting a gang of new kids and trying to help them with their problems. Tracy Beaker is back!

Family Relationships Magazine is the #72 British parenting blog

Wow, we’ve actually made it on to a “top 100″ list! Thanks to Totsy’s Place for publishing the the first ever Tots100 Index of British Parenting Blogs and Bloggers and for ranking us at number 72.

The ranking is actually based on some pretty nifty online measurements, namely

1. Technorati Authority: number of blogs linking to this blog in the last six months
2. Technorati Inlinks: number of inbound links, excluding self-referring hits
3. Yahoo Inlinks: number of inbound links in last six months (excl self-referring hits)
4. Google Blog Hits: number of posts/links/weblinks in Google
5. Google Hits Recent: number of links from the last 30 days
6. Readers: number of subscribers based on Feedburner and Google Reader
7. HowSociable: the blogger’s visibility outside the blog, measuring activity on sites such as Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

Don’t worry if that’s all gobbledygook to you – basically it’s just a measure of how many people are linking here and interacting with us.

It’s quite an honour to be listed next to a number of fabulous parents who are blogging personally and passionately about their kids and their lives.

The top ten is as follows:

1. Petite Anglaise
2. Wife in the North
3. Jo Beaufoix
4. Alpha Mummy
5. My Boyfriend is a Tw@t
6. Crystal Jigsaw
7. Babyccino
8. A Modern Mother
9. Single Parent Dad
10. Notes from Inside my Head

The press announcement also offers up five tips for being a “Mummy Blogger”

1. Sign up for an account with a blog provider. Blogger is free and simple to use. Typepad and WordPress are a little more complex, but offer more features (for a price).
2. Choose a blog name and write your profile. Think about how much personal information you feel comfortable sharing – you can always remain anonymous.
3. Start writing! A blog is a bit like an online diary, but there are no rules on what you can write about. Recipes, days out, comment on the news – whatever you like. Just make it authentic, and remember to update once a week or more.
4. If you want people to read your blog, make sure you read other people’s blogs. Include links to their work on your blog, and try to leave comments on their blogs. Eventually, people will start to visit and comment on your blog, too.
5. As you settle into the ‘blogosphere’, consider creating a blogroll (a list with links to your favourite blogs) and creating an RSS feed (a simple way of publishing your blog content in a form that people can subscribe to).

So, thanks for compiling the list, Talking Tots.

BBC Newsround to show documentary about bereavement

Never afraid to avoid deep and difficult issues, the BBC’s Newsround is to screen Gone, a special documentary exploring the issue of bereavement and how it affects children’s lives.

Barney Harwood tells the story of four children who have all lost someone they love.

Eight-year-old Bradley from Welling, Kent, lost his dad in May 2006. His father was a truck driver who wasn’t home during the week. One weekend he never came home and the following week he was found dead in his cab, having suffered a heart malfunction.

Sarika, 11, lost her mum to cancer in 2005. Sarika knew that her mum was very sick but had no idea that the illness was terminal.

11-year-old Katie from Preston lost her nine-year-old brother, James, when he was fatally knocked down while out cycling.

And 11-year-old Joe from Essex lost his granddad last March.

All four of the children in Gone contacted Newsround through the programme’s website after the show asked children if they felt able to share their stories of bereavement. Hundreds of other young people also got in touch to share their stories with the programme.

The programme airs on the CBBC channel at 6.30pm on Monday 30th March, repeated on BBC One the next day.

Babylolly.com: share baby’s life with friends and family online

Letting friends and family from around the globe keep up with the latest news, pictures and videos of new baby just got easier with the launch of BabyLolly.com.

Secure and easy-to-use, the service allows an online “baby book” to be created, that can include photographs, videos, baby journal, baby “firsts” and favourites, and the opportunity for friends and family to interact.

The free service ensures that only trusted contacts can have access to the book.

BabyLolly.com was founded by UK-based BabyLolly Ltd.

What Are We Doing To Our Kids?: BBC Wales fortnight of programmes begins

BBC Cymru Wales is to begin a fortnight of programmes looking at the changing nature of childhood through the generations, beginning with What Are We Doing To Our Kids? on Monday 16th March.

As part of the project, the Institute of Welsh Affairs (IWA) surveyed a number of Welsh parents, grandparents and children to find out more about their experiences of growing up.

Highlights of the research included:

• Today’s children are more confident and relaxed about speaking with adults
• Parents are concerned about the safety of their children and on letting them have freedom outside the home
• The media paints an unrealistic, fatalistic picture of the dangers facing children that could mean they fail to develop a realistic view of the risks of everyday life
• Parents are also concerned that their rushed lives means that quality time with their kids is lost
• Parents would not swap their own childhood for one today

It’s not all bad news. IWA director John Osmond noted that, “despite many concerns that were voiced, especially around children’s freedom to play unsupervised, it was striking how optimistic many of the parents we interviewed were about their children’s development.

“They thought that children today had more opportunities to develop themselves and, with their greater confidence, should be able to take advantage of these opportunities in later life.”

More information about the report and the programmes coming up in March are available at the BBC Wales childhood web site. If you live somewhere else in the UK, you can probably catch up with a lot of the programmes on the BBC iPlayer service.

Should you talk to your children about the economy?

One of the big responsibilities of any parent is how much to talk to their children about serious, complicated and potentially worrying issues.

On one hand, most parents want to allow children to maintain some degree of innocence, and to be shielded from the worst the world has to offer.

On the other hand, innocence is so quickly lost these days, and children need to be aware of certain issues so that they can be kept safe.

The current economic climate is causing many families to reassess what they spend their money on and how they live their lives. For many, it may mean a change in lifestyle because the mortgage costs more or the cost of living has increased.

Children aren’t stupid, and they’ll know something’s going on. How much should you tell them about the credit crunch and all that jazz?

Honesty, simplicity, and relevance is the best policy.

It may be that a child asks you what “the credit crunch” is. It may be that you don’t fully understand the intricacies of the global problem yourself (I certainly don’t) but by simplifying the situation and making it relevant to your family, it’s more likely to mean something to your child.

It’s probably best not to force the issue. If your child is showing no interest in the subject at all, it’s not worth making a big issue out of it – that could backfire and cause the child to become anxious about the situation.

It will depend on the age of the child as to if, when and how you tell them. Very young children are ultimately looking to you for their security, and no doubt you’re doing your very best to see that their needs are met. Why confuse them?

On the other hand, older children and teenagers may be much more inquisitive, possibly asking more demanding questions.

You might also find yourself being asked why you can’t afford those new trainers, mobile phone or games console. This is a good time to explain that, as a family, you have to look after your money and spend it more wisely.

Don’t make them feel guilty for wanting new things. Instead, suggest that, at least for the next few months, you’ll all have to find other less expensive ways of having fun and entertaining yourselves.

Your kids might get upset or stroppy, but often they do appreciate being included in things that affect the family. You could even begin introducing them to budgeting – though you’ll probably want to make sure you’re doing this yourself, first – as this will stand them in good stead for adulthood.

Every family is different, and you know your children the best, but these are some guidelines that you might want to adapt so that your family continues to feel secure and informed even in these more difficult times.

• What do you think?
• Have you talked to your kids about money and the current economic situation?
• How did they react?
• What advice would you give to other parents?

Bad economy: divorce down, domestic violence up

Last year, when the scale of the economic crisis was still dawning upon us, the UK’s Office of National Statistics found that the slowing property market could be reducing the divorce rate.

That doesn’t mean that relationships have suddenly got significantly better. In fact, financial turmoil places a real strain on relationships, and new statistics from US-based LegalMatch paint a much more worrying picture.

While this year’s divorce rate increase of 12% was much less than in previous years (28%), cases of domestic violence had increased over previous years.

Added to this, in November 2008, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, headquartered in Austin, Texas, reported a 21 percent increase in calls compared to last year.

While I’m a strong believer in marriage, the numbers suggest a sad story: that many in relationships where one partner has violent tendencies are even less able to leave now that the financial situation is so dire, and yet that same predicament is obviously leading some people to higher levels of aggression.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can provide a greater sense of security.

What’s really important is to talk to your partner straight away when it comes to dealing with financial problems.

Gestures can improve early speech development, scientists find

Using signs and gestures with babies can enhance their communication skills and allow them to learn to talk more quickly, according to research by scientists at the University of Chicago.

The research confirms previous studies that show a strong link between gestures and spoken language, finding that babies who use gestures to communicate, at an early age, have large spoken vocabularies compared to their non-gesturing peers by the time they reach school age.

“Babies have so much to say- even before they can talk. Babies who sign, usually learn to speak much more quickly and more clearly than babies who don’t,” said Katie Mayne, founder of TinyTalk, an ex-primary school teacher and a mother of two. “Signs are like ‘pictures’ for babies, helping them to understand what is being said to them. The signs also help the children to express themselves much earlier too. Their communication attempts promote growing self-confidence and self-esteem which, in turn, leads to further communication! Importantly, through signing, children also make early attempts at speech.”

TinyTalk offers baby signing classes right across the UK and Ireland and is seeing a significant increase in demand. More and more families are seeking to experience the benefits of early communication with their little ones. Mayne explains, “Contrary to popular belief, sign language encourages spoken language rather than hindering it. Even tantrums are reduced! Signing babies are happy babies, able to understand and be understood, and happy babies mean happy carers! Families who attend our classes tell us that their babies and toddlers are little chatterboxes, full of things to say!”

TinyTalk.co.uk

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