Telling the truth to your adopted child

Parents who adopted a child must determine what and when they will tell their child about their adoption. Many adoption workers advise parents to introduce the word “adoption” as early as possible so that it becomes a comfortable part of a child’s vocabulary and to tell a child, between the ages of 6 and 8 that he is adopted. In addition, there is some question about whether a child under 6 years of age can understand the meaning of adoption and be able to work through the losses implied by learning that he was born into a different family.

Although it is obvious to adults, young children often believe that they are either adopted or born. It is important, when telling them about their adoption, to help them understand that they were born first and that all children, adopted or not, are conceived and born in the same way. The birth came first, then next the adoption.

Waiting until adolescence to reveal a child’s adoption to him or her is not recommended.

Children who were adopted when they were older than 2, or who are of a different race from their adoptive parents, need to be told about their adoption earlier. With older children, who bring with them memories of a past, failure to acknowledge those memories and to have a chance to talk about them can reinforce the attachment problems inherent in shifts in caretakers early in life.

If your adopted child is of a different race or has very different physical features from your family, you must be observant of the signs that he or she is aware of the difference. Your child may have noticed it, or someone else may have commented on it. You will want to explain to your child that the birth process is the same for everyone but accept that people in other cultures have distinguishing physical features and their own rich heritage. Sometimes children who look different from the rest of their family need to be assured that their parents love them and intend to keep them.