Reality of dying from a broken heart

The ‘widower effect’, where a husband and wife die within a very short time of one another, has been known of since it was first described in 1848.

Yet a new study of over half-a-million older couples in the United States suggests that the same sorts of effects are apparent when a spouse falls ill.

The study was carried out over nine years found that the greatest risk to the well partner was within 30 days of a spouse entering hospital. This risk remains high for two years.

It is most prevalent in ailments that affect the mind or physical body.

The study did not look at cause of death, but experts attribute the increased risk to factors such as stress, and the well partner being deprived of the spouse’s social, emotional and financial support.

The research concludes that doctors should pay as much attention to the well partner as to the ill one.

Read the full article: Study: Ill spouse can hasten death

“I love you” spoken less by married couples

A small survey suggests that married couples verbally express love less than those in new relationships.

Saying “I love you” seems to decrease, particularly amongst men, when in a marriage relationship, despite men usually being the first to declare their love in a new romantic relationship.

The research also found that people for whom English was not their first language did not often use an equivalent phrase in their own tongue, but found it relatively easy to say “I love you’ in English.

The survey only interviewed 77 students and the majority of those were women, so the results are probably a little skewed and not necessarily true of the population as a whole. Even so, it’s an interesting little study.

It’s not necessarily a problem that married couples don’t say “I love you” a huge amount so long as they show their love in other ways. If it is said, it has to be meant.

When “til death us do part” becomes very real

In a world where one can cynically say that marriage is undervalued and its vows are quickly undermined, there are situations where the absolute opposite is happening.

They’re not common, they’re not fashionable because they don’t involve celebrities, but they are real, and they are inspiring to people who believe in human goodness and perseverence.

In this case, I’m talking about Peter and Siaron West from Cardiff. Their story was broadcast on a Welsh TV station on Valentine’s Day.

Peter suffers from severe progressive MS (Multiple Sclerosis). In the documentary, Siaron spoke of the huge emotional and practical burden of caring for her seriously ill husband.

In the ten years that they have been married, Peter’s health has deteriorated rapidly. He is now confined to a wheelchair and needs 24-hour care.

Siaron, who has a daughter Catrin, conceived by a sperm donor due to her husband’s illness, confesses her circumstances at times have been overwhelming, but that keeping her wedding vow is more important than freedom from her onerous responsibilities.

“I’m not at all romantic,” she says. “To me, even 10 years ago, love was about making and keeping promises - it wasn’t about mushy stuff because that doesn’t last.

“Commitment is important. You make a promise and you keep it, whatever happens - that’s what love means to me.”

It would be wrong to say that this kind of commitment can only be found in a marriage relationship, however it is true that the vow “til death us do part” has become a reality for this couple.

Would I have the strength to stand by my wife if something happened to her (I pray it doesn’t). Or if something happened to me? I’d like to think so, on a purely human level, and because those vows we made were more than just words repeated in order to obtain a piece of paper proving our marriage.

Marriage is a complete commitment between two people, whatever life decides to throw at them. This story, and many others that remaiin private and untold, proves that.

Read the full article: Marriage vows help couple to cope

Finances are a major factor in romantic relationships

Hardly surprising news: finances can hurt a romantic relationship.

Fair Isaac Corp. conducted a national survey on consumer attitudes to credit. Nearly one-third of those who responded said they would not share their credit score with their spouse.

Maybe no surprise given this lack of trust that money conflicts cause more friction in a relationship than cheating - though surely it’s easier to work out money matters. Or it should be.

The article reporting this survey goes on to ask how happy you would be if your partner lavished expensive gifts on you for Valentine’s Day.

It concludes: “these surveys are a constant reminder that while roses or chocolates are nice on Valentine’s Day, the best gift you can give your honey is to handle your finances right. Clearly that will make a difference in your quality of life together.”

Read the full article: Financial matters a major factor in romantic relationships

Strong marriage, happy family

Elizabeth Einstein has written an article at The Ithaca Journal entitled A strong marriage can help create a happy family in which she calls for more to be done to strengthen marriage.

Some of the points she makes:

• The family is a society’s basic institution.
• Couples need solid skills that, when missing, can destroy marriages.
• Far more marriages than generally thought can, and should, be saved.
• The most important ‘glue’ in a relationship is communication.
• Focus on the positive aspects of a marriage relationship.
• Deepen your friendship and intimate relationship.
• Talk more. Fight less.
• Spice up your sex life.
• Develop a future vision for your marriage.

Read the full article: A strong marriage can help create a happy family

Unhooked generation?

MSNBC has published an excerpt of a new book by Jillian Straus, in which she has studied why “Generation X” (25-39 year-olds) seemingly find it so difficult to form long-term romantic/committed relationships.

Younger generation unconcerned by interrecial dating

Whilst people over the age of 30 might still hold the belief that it’s not normal to date or marry outside the same race, the younger generation appears not to hold such beliefs.

Twenty-somethings and younger have developed a form of ‘colour-blindness’ whereby they focus on finding friends and dates with similar interests, rather than focussing the colour of their skin.

Studies by the Center for Information and Research on Civic Learning and Engagement, part of the University of Maryland’s School of Public Policy, suggests that the 15-25 age group is ‘more tolerant and open-minded’ than previous generations.

“Diversity”, “multicultural” and “inclusion” are buzzwords that the younger generation take for granted.

However, the flip side of the coin is that many young people are so blind to colour and race that they may also believe that there is no longer any racial inequality. This is blatantly untrue.

Even so, this is surely to be celebrated: relationships being formed based upon character rather than on looks alone.

Read the full article: New generation doesn’t blink at interracial relationships

Holding hand of loved one can reduce stress, scientific study suggests

Neuroscientists studying the brain have found that women in close marriage relationships feel significantly lower levels of stress when holding their husband’s hand than at other times.

The soothing effect of the touch could be seen in scans of areas deep in the brain that are involved in registering emotional and physical alarm.

The women received significantly more relief from their husbands’ touch than from a stranger’s, and those in particularly close marriages were most deeply comforted by their husbands’ hands, the study found.

The reverse also appears to be true: the withdrawal of affection heightens signs of stress and anticipation of pain.

Read the full article: Holding loved one’s hand can calm jittery neurons

Teen dating violence increasing

It’s something that’s totally unacceptable, and yet amongst teenagers particularly it can go undetected and unresolved.

In the culture of violence that we increasingly live in, teens are seeing that it supposedly ‘works’ to introduce violence into their dating relationships when things aren’t going their way.

A survey carried out on 1,700 students aged between 11 and 18 by the San Diego County Domestic Violence Council is indicative of a larger problem:

• 1 in 5 said they had ‘kicked, hit, punched, pushed, shoved, shook or thrown something’ at a dating partner in the last year.
• 1 in 4 said they had kissed a partner who didn’t want it.
• 1 in 3 said it was ’sometimes’, ‘often’ or ‘always’ OK to use physical violence on a partner who flirts, threatens to break up, or ‘acts crazy’.

Parents are urged to look for warning signs that their children may be the victims or perpetrators of such activity.

Friends also need to look out for one another.

Read the full article: Take the time to confront dating violence

Are you ready to unlock the secrets of the opposite sex?

David Wygant, upon whom Will Smith’s film character “Hitch” was based, gave a pep talk to students, urging them to pay more attention and avoid cliches when looking for a partner.

His main points:

• Market yourself to the opposite sex.
• One must become privy to signs of interest from the opposite gender.
• Men should be more receptive to signals given by women.
• Women should be clearer in their intentions.
• Use plain, unrehearsed dialogue, not cheesy, worn-out “pick-up lines”.
• Don’t be intimidated by members of the opposite sex - nothing is quite as sexy as confidence.

Read the full article: “Hitch” influence dishes dating advice

Valentine’s Day is over; don’t let your relationship slide

So, the romance of Valentine’s Day is now over for another year (you did remember, right?).

Don’t let that be an end to attentiveness to the needs of your relationship.

There are 364 other days on which it’s just as important to show love, affection and loyalty to your partner.

Valentine’s Day is great (shops think so, anyway) but don’t let that be the only day you tell your partner “I love you”.

And don’t save all your romantic energy for one day, either!

Related reading: 7 New Year Resolutions For Your Marriage.

Britons changing their sexual ideas?

A new poll (of 1,790 British adults aged 16-64) suggests that Britons have a more relaxed attitude to sex than they are stereotyped. However, it also shows that they are generally more restrained.

Key findings include:

• 84% think schools should teach about sexual behaviour and relationships
• 65% think prostitution should be legalised
• One-in-three people has slept with someone from a different ethnic background
• The proportion of people losing their virginity before the age of consent, 16, has fallen from 32% in 2002 to 20%, with the number losing their virginity at age 14 or 15 dropping from 23% to 15%
• Britons have sex on average 6 times per month
• 40% have been unfaithful
• 28% are very satisfied with their sex lives, 34% fairly satisfied.
• 18% of men compared, with 2% of women, would consider paying for sex

Kaye Wellings, professor of sexual and reproductive health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said:

‘It’s better for society to have tolerant attitudes but quite constrained behaviour, rather than censorious attitudes and repressed behaviour. While Britons are becoming increasingly tolerant towards same-sex sex and paying for sex, for example, the vast majority of people are not doing the things they’re quite relaxed about. That’s good for the country’s sexual health.’

Read the full article: Sex: Britain’s quiet revolution

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