Avoiding the ‘Desperate Housewive’s’ syndrome

Does the act of being ’superwoman’ at work and around the home leave you feeling stressed and unable to cope? Do you identify with the TV character Lynette from ‘Desperate Housewives’? University of Western Sydney researchers are looking at domestic irritability and depression in women, and whether women are risking their mental health by taking on too much responsibility.

The study will also consider the impact of relationships and pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) on women’s ability to cope, and whether a partner’s attitude can ease the stress.

The research team of Professor Jane Ussher, Associate Research Fellow Julie Mooney-Somers and Dr Janette Perz from the UWS Gender, Culture and Health Research Unit need women from around Australia to take part in the study.

Professor Ussher says despite the advances resulting from the women’s liberation movement, recent Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission data shows that equity in the household is still a long way off.

“The ‘Striking the Balance’ discussion paper shows that despite women’s greater involvement in paid work, they’re still doing 70 per cent of the housework. On top of that, many women still maintain the primary child-rearing role,” says Professor Ussher.

“Many women feel it’s their responsibility - their job - to manage a household, take care of the kids, and hold down full or part-time work. They feel that they should be able to cope with everything life throws at them, without complaint.

“Women are either unwilling or unable to talk about their frustrations or fears with others because it’s like admitting a weakness or a chink in the armour. By expressing vulnerability, they can’t live up to their idealised notion of what’s expected of women.

“But everyone has low points where the stress becomes too much, and it’s usually a relatively minor incident that becomes the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. In women, this can manifest itself in teary outbursts, or snapping at the kids or a partner.

“Left unresolved, this could lead to mental health issues such as depression, and may also be detrimental to women’s relationships with their partners, children or work colleagues.”

Professor Ussher says recent research shows that premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is a significant factor in women’s ability to cope, particularly for the 40 to 50 per cent of women who suffer moderate or severe symptoms.

“My recent study of 70 British and Australian women, published in the journal Social Theory and Health, has shown that premenstrual experiences such as anger and depression are linked with self-silencing, self-policing, and self-blame; where ideas of ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ behaviour are internalised and used to judge worth and value.

Any deviations from so-called ‘normal’ behaviour are seen as failure, and something to be avoided,” says Professor Ussher.

“One theme that emerged in interviews was the idea of PMS as a reaction to over-responsibility. On those days where they felt they couldn’t cope, women said they wanted to escape from their daily routine and deadlines, but couldn’t because of family or work responsibilities.

“Others described a loss of control, or a split personality when they were premenstrual - a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde or ‘good versus evil’ scenario - resulting in temper flare-ups, emotional breakdowns and later, feelings of remorse or guilt over ‘losing it’. Most of these interactions involved family members or partners, so relationships may also be a contributing factor.”

Professor Ussher hopes to expand on these themes in the current three-year study, funded through a prestigious Australian Research Council Discovery grant.

“We’re interested in hearing about women’s experiences so we can identify the times when they feel vulnerable, angry or unable to cope,” she says.

“We want to find out whether particular issues trigger these upsets, and how women feel when it happens. By gaining a greater understanding of the underlying issues, we can hopefully offer some strategies to help women keep the harmony in their professional and personal relationships.”

Both single women, and those in relationships, are encouraged to take part. Participants will be required to complete a questionnaire, and some will be selected for one-on-one interviews to explore their experiences in greater depth.

For more information about the study, or to register as a participant, download a survey from www.uws.edu.au/pms, or call +61297 726 618 or email pms@uws.edu.au.

For details, contact:
Senior Media Officer
Margaret Paton
Tel: +61 296 787 075
Email: m.paton@uws.edu.au

See the latest news from UWS: http://www.uws.edu.au/about/news/

A ‘flexible’ but foolish interpretation of marriage?

There is a shift in the traditional definition of words related to marriage in an article in The Times newspaper, headlined “Fidelity isn’t important, but loyalty is”.

This is the viewpoint of Philip, married to Libby who had an affair.

Their marriage survived: at least they are still physically together. Whether they are really together is another matter.

An affair is not unsalvageable. A marriage is not automatically over if one or both partners stray. Even so, it’s important to look at the reasons for the relationship breakdown, and at sensible ways of repairing it, if indeed it can be.

Philip received some ‘interesting’ advice from his psychotherapist aunt:

She gave him a way of seeing the challenge differently, saying that even within marriage each partner is entitled to keep a part of their life private from the other, even to the extent of taking a lover.

Perhaps this is why Philip came to the conclusion that Libby needed more ‘freedom’ from her two children and relationship with him.

I find this hard to reconcile.

Maybe I’m just too traditional, but I’m of the belief that marriage and all that can go with it is a commitment. It is not supposed to be a prison, but neither can each partner expect the same level of freedom that they experienced when single.

Children are a commitment. It’s tragic to say that a mother seeks ‘freedom’ from her children by having an affair, and I don’t buy that explanation. It’s incredibly selfish and deviant if it is the reason. More likely is a dissatisfaction with her husband.

Hence, the relationship has deteriorated. People don’t have affairs if everything is good at home, unless they’re completely selfish and heartless.

Libby and Philip’s new ‘agreement’ is that they don’t even mention whether her affair is open.

I’d be pretty keen to know if an extra-marital relationship had finished - not to control the other person, but to start again from a level playing field. However much they now say they trust one another, how can either be sure that the other is faithful?

Mind you, in this marriage, at least, they seem to care little for that side of things, so long as there is a loyalty, seemingly measured only in whether each partner returns home each night.

That’s a shallow imitation of what loyalty really is; they’re kidding themselves if they think they’ve fully healed.

Libby perversely says:

“You can either deal with an affair by letting the marriage fall apart or you can accept that an affair can take place within a healthy marriage, which is what we’ve done.”

Sorry, Libby, I totally disagree. If your marriage were healthy, you would not have strayed. Period.

Philip is convinced that this is the way forward for marriage in general.

More fool you, Philip. Let’s see how you cope the next time you know your wife is sleeping away from home.

Read the full article: Fidelity isn’t important, but loyalty is

Simple and consistent family rules make children feel secure

Parents are good at making rules; the problem is there are too many and they are inconsistently enforced, says Lori McMechan in her article.

This only leads to frustrated children and irritated parents.

Key tips include:

• Rules should be few, reasonable, consistently enforced and flexible.
• Explain the rules to your child.
• Rules should be for all family members.
• Parents should be good role models.
• Rules must be consistently enforced.
• Keep rules to a minimum: health and safety rules are a top priority.
• Be flexible.
• Allow children to participate in the setting of rules and the consequences of breaking them.

Read the full article: Family rules help children feel secure

Love and lust, poles apart

Darian Leader, a psychoanalyst, writes in The Times newspaper of the differences between love and lust.

Some key points:

• Sexual desire can overturn the most basic rules of respect and etiquette
• Lust is dangerous. It is a corrosive force, blind in its insistence and destructive in its power. It breaks up relationships and enslaves us to the most unsuitable partners. But can we ever live without it?
• Lust is moulded by specific forces. A detail like a certain hair colour, a look, an odour, a garment may all precipitate desire. They open the floodgates even if we remain unaware of them at a conscious level.
• Lust allows comparisons between people, love does not.
• Lust aims at possession; love involves the realisation that it is not possible to possess another person totally.

In my opinion, love and lust are always separate in their true nature.

Read the full article: A-Z of relationships: L is for lust

Scottish couples’ relationships forced apart by debt

We know that finances can be a cause of significant friction amongst couples, and a recent article in the Scotsman newspaper highlights the plight of Scottish couples who are in financial debt.

ccountant and business adviser PKF claims that debt burdens are leading to an increasing number of broken relationships, contributing to divorce rates that have been on the up for the past four years. The warning comes after figures reveal that the number of Scots being sequestrated - the Scottish term for bankruptcy - continues to soar to new record levels.

Recent statistics from Edinburgh Gazette, the publication of insolvency, indicates that some 6,084 are now being made bankrupt per year.

Bryan Jackson, managing partner at PKF, says spiralling debt is placing unbearable pressure on couples’ relationships, forcing a split, and leading to separated partners facing the additional strain of financing the set-up of two new homes.

That - on top of the burden of reaching agreements on child maintenance and the division of the family home, investments, pensions and other assets, as well as the legal costs of divorce - can lead to even greater levels of debt.

Read the full article: Family relationships can be crippled by bad debt

New study on children and alcoholism: effects in later life

Research at the University of Iowa has studied how the “Age of First Drink” (AFD) affects a child’s development and future.

Samuel Kuperman (director of the division of child psychiatry at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics) says:

“Early alcohol use seems to reflect a number of adverse effects in a child’s life: effects that may be internal to the child such as having a significant number of disruptive behavioral symptoms, as well as effects that may be in the child’s environment.” The next step, he said, is to examine the unique contributions of early AFD to later negative outcomes. “In particular, I believe that we will demonstrate that a strong family history of alcohol dependence or antisocial personality disorder does in fact contribute to an increased risk for the occurrence of negative life outcomes, but that this is not directly influenced by an early onset of AFD.”

Read the full press release: Kids who drink early in life: What does it mean for their future?

Australian Family Relationship Centres: doubt cast over effectiveness of family counselling

As legislation soon to be passed in Parliament will make it compulsory for separating couples to attend three hours’ worth of free counselling, doubts are being raised over the effectiveness and suitability of the services being provided by Family Relationship Centres, where such counselling will take place.

Couples risk being advised by staff who are underqualified or ill-experienced to deal with the complex issues that often go with a separation, including issues of custody and domestic violence.

Staff in existing centres must meet a high level of professional qualification, and organisations that run family mediation and counselling services must be accredited by the Department of Family and Community Services.

However, new centres, of which there are expected to be around 65 by next year, may not require staff to reach the same high standard.

An information paper on the Family Relationship Centres prepared by the Attorney-General’s Department says that staff running the three-hour counselling sessions will instead have to meet “competency-based accreditation standards” set by the Community Services and Health Industry Skills Council.

Those standards “will be developed and specified over time”, the paper says. The council is believed to be considering establishing a course to provide people with specific qualifications to work in the centres.

Concerns have also been raised that the AU$200 million set aside for the centres is not enough to provide the specialist services required.

Couples wishing to attend additional sessions beyond the first three hours’ worth will have to pay.

Read the full article: Doubts raised on family counselling (Sydney Morning Herald)

Subtle personality changes can cause couples to grow apart

A new study from the University of Illinois may explain why it can be difficult to maintain a relationship over a long period of time.

The belief that personality stays put after age 30 is being challenged:

“We have found that people quite definitely change after the age of 30,” Brent Roberts, a senior psychologist at the University of Illinois, said. “While the change is gradual it continues throughout life and goes on even into old age.”

Roberts said his work tended to show that people often did not select partners well: “They are more likely to select on the basis of economic status, intelligence and values, which are part of personality but are less important. The biggest factor in marriage breakdown seems to be how far away an individual is, or becomes, from their partner’s (initial) view of them,” he said.

It is a finding borne out by marriage guidance counsellors. “It is extremely common for people to say the person they live with has changed in a way they don’t recognise,” said Barbara McKay, head of counsellor training at Relate in Britain.

This is why it is vitally important to stay in close communication and raise any issues in personality or behavioural changes early on.

Change can be a good thing if it’s handled well.

Read the full article: Talking to a stranger? Personality study finds why some couples grow apart

Encouraging children to do physical activity

The Sampson County Coalition for Healthy Children has written an article that encourages parents and carers to help children form habits of physical exercise.

Too many children spend a large amount of time in front of a TV, computer or playing video games. Parents and care givers need to encourage children to do daily physical activity.

The benefits of physical activity include a decreased risk of chronic disease, improved physical development and a feeling of well-being. Regular activity will also help children maintain a healthy weight. Most important, being physically active early in life helps to develop a lifelong commitment to being active.

They suggest that exercising together as a family not only improves physical health and well-being, but can also improve family relationships.

Tips to help encourage everyone in the family to be active include:

• Help everyone to find something active that makes them feel successful.
• Use physical activity rather than food as a reward
• Spend as much time as possible outdoors.
• Encourage your school board to make physical education a priority.
• Learn what free and low-cost physical activity areas are located near your home, for example, parks, hiking trails, bike trails, swimming pools, tennis courts, etc.
• Take the family pet for a walk.

Preventing sibling rivalry

Felicity Stone gives some tips for preventing sibling rivalry when a new baby is born into a family.

These are things that make the older child feel loved and wanted.

Children with parents who smoke twice as likely to start smoking at young age

A new study by the University of Washington’s Seattle Social Development Project suggests that 12-year-olds of parents who smoke are twice as likely to take up smoking between the ages of 13 and 21 than those of parents who do not smoke.

Other elements that influenced whether or not adolescents began daily smoking were consistent family monitoring and rules, family bonding or a strong emotional attachment inside the family, and parents not involving children in their own smoking behavior. The later includes such activities as asking their children to get a pack of cigarettes from the car or having them light a cigarette for the parent.

Read the full article: Children whose parents smoked are twice as likely to begin smoking between 13 and 21

Women’s sex-drive hit by marriage, children and career

Seems like everything is diminishing the female sex-drive, according to research by University College London of 11,000 men and women aged 16-44.

Married women were shown to be much more likely than single men or women to have sexual problems.

“There is nothing actually wrong with these women. Bringing up a family they are just tired and exhausted as opposed to the men who have 10 times the level of testosterone,” said Dr David Goldmeier from the sexual function clinic at St Mary’s Hospital in London.

“A lot of women are very active sexually in the first 18 months to three years of a relationship and have a lot of spontaneous sexual desire. But then that goes.”

Read the full article: Marriage, kids, career hits female sex drive-survey

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