Saving relationships: role of the therapist

Couples who are trying to patch up a troubled union often turn to counseling as a last-ditch effort to keep the marriage intact. That’s what marital therapy is all about, right?

Not necessarily, some therapists say.

Angie and Sam Juniper have been married for ten years. Angie is a marriage counsellor with New Hope Christian Counseling and says that if couples are having problems each spouse must take a look at what they can change to improve their marriage.

Many couples probably don’t know that there is a long-standing debate among practitioners over whether therapists actively should try to save a marriage or whether they should remain neutral and treat the couple as two individuals for whom divorce possibly could be the best outcome.

One veteran marriage and family therapist, William Doherty at the University of Minnesota, is among those who take the marriage-saving view. He believes therapists have been too neutral - particularly since the 1970s - and have focused on the individual. They’re so neutral that they are sabotaging marriages, he said. He also is among those who say that too many therapists aren’t sufficiently trained to counsel couples and that the profession isn’t regulated consistently, so consumers don’t really know what they are getting.

So last week, Doherty launched a therapist-finder registry called the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists (www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com), designed to weed out those whose skills don’t meet his standards. And his list will include only therapists who sign a values statement supporting marriage and vowing to seek consultation if the therapist believes the couple is moving toward a premature divorce.

Read the full article: Saving relationships

Relationships can have long-term health effects

Whom you live with and whether you’re single, married, divorced or widowed can offer clues to your health decades later, studies suggest.

Research comparing the health and well-being of varied states of pairings and singledom suggests that living with aging parents or grandchildren takes a toll on adults’ health. And the research shows that any disruption to marriage, such as divorce or a spouse’s death, can have repercussions years later.

“Talk about a scar on people’s health,” sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago told about 1,700 marital therapists, marriage educators and others at the ninth annual Smart Marriages conference, which wrapped up here Sunday.

She says marriage’s benefits derive from social connection, risk sharing, specialization of household tasks and economies of scale.

Waite is among researchers who offered new findings about relationships to an audience made up largely of those who help couples through trying times.

Read the full article: Relationships can affect your health years later

Related article: Feeling Sick? How’s Your Marriage?

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Half of 20-something males shun relationships

Research published this week reveals that half of men in their twenties are commitment-phobic. This compares with a decade ago, when only a third of young men stayed single.

Based on interviews with more than 10,000 people, the study by the Gender Institute at the London School of Economics (LSE) dispels the myth that the decline in marriage can be blamed on increasing numbers of couples choosing to live together.

There has also been a slight rise in the number of young women shunning serious relationships - a quarter have never cohabited, compared with under a fifth a decade ago. But the LSE findings show that while women are merely delaying commitment until later in life, increasing numbers of men are not settling down at all.

Roona Simpson, who carried out the study, said one possible reason for the dramatic rise in men rejecting meaningful relationships was the fact there was no longer a stigma attached to people who had not settled down into a long-term union.

Read the full article: Half of ‘twenty-something’ men shun relationships (Independent.co.uk)

Teens to be taught to avoid abusive relationships

Newton North High School is one of 10 schools nationwide that will pilot a curriculum on teen dating violence next year to better educate students on the dangers of an abusive relationship.

The curriculum is being developed by the international nonprofit Education Development Center and funded by women’s clothing manufacturer Liz Claiborne.

“Liz Claiborne has been doing work in domestic violence work for 14 years,” said Christine Blaber, project director at the Education Development Center. “And we already have a very large health curriculum in grades six through 12, used in 7,000 schools across the U.S.”

Last year, Liz Claiborne commissioned a research study on the subject of teen dating violence. The study, conducted by Illinois-based Teenage Research Unlimited, found that 13 percent of teen girls in a relationship admit to being physically hurt. One in four has been pressured into sex, and one in five said a boyfriend has threatened violence or self-harm in the event of a breakup.

The study also said that 63 percent of respondents would find it helpful to learn about dating violence in school.

Read the full article (Daily News Tribune)

Dads become more hands-on about parenting duties

With a full-time job, a wife and three boys under the age of six, Mark Hamilton managed to fit in a course one night a week.

He didn’t get a credit toward a degree or diploma, or a raise in salary and the homework consumed most of his waking hours.

“I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing in terms of being a father,” Hamilton, 36, said of the eight-week, dads-only parenting course offered by an Ontario Early Years Centre.

He wanted to ensure his kids were getting the most from him.

For many years dads have been more involved with their children than fathers from generations past.

Today’s dads take part from the beginning; from prenatal classes and bath-time rituals to picking kids up from day care and helping at school.

Dads are no longer relegated to waiting rooms. In fact many boast about cutting the umbilical cord, pointing to their offspring’s exposed belly button and claiming “that’s some of my finest work.”

The community is responding to this change, with many community centres offering dads-only courses or groups.

“We wanted to see dads connect with each other and then connect with their kids,” said Brian Russell, who runs an Early Years fathers’ group and a drop-in for dads in west end Toronto.

Once a month he organizes an activity, such as hikes or barbecues, for dads and kids.

“You get eight to 10 dads in a room and get them comfortable with each other and talking about stuff … good things happen,” said Russell.

Read full article (Ottawa Sun)

Women confess to new state of affairs

LOVE is no longer just a couple thing. A government-funded report has identified a new generation of women who do not consider infidelity to be taboo but are ready to conduct concurrent relationships with two or more lovers.

One in 10 women says she had an “overlapping” relationship in a 12-month period compared with one in 20 a decade a go. The figures show women are rapidly catching up with men in the infidelity stakes.

The rising number of affairs is detailed in a report by the Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC) entitled Seven Deadly Sins. It also shows that just one in 100 of people now marry the person they first have sex with, compared with the majority in the 1950s.

Kaye Wellings, professor of sexual health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and author of the section on lust in the report, said: “There used to be absolute rules about sexual behaviour. But in an increasingly secular society people behave according to how they think they ought to treat people.

Read full article (Times Online)

Time -poor search for love in their lunch-hour

THE desperate and dateless are more “time poor” than ever and are resorting to searching for love in their lunch hour.

Dating company Fever Lunches is cashing in on the new market, setting up clients with potential partners at the time and place that suits their working lives.

But experts have warned it takes more than an hour to decide whether a couple is compatible and people needed to rethink their priorities and schedule time for relationships.

Relationships Australia research shows 58 per cent of people feel the pressure of work is detracting from their family and personal life and 54 per cent say work left them too tired to go out.

Thirty-three per cent of women said the stress and effort of work left them uninterested in sex.

Relationships Australia NSW CEO Anne Hollands said people were increasingly “time poor” ‚Äì meaning singles were searching for a “faster way to get from A to B” when it came to relationships.

Read full article (Daily Telegraph Australia)

Marriage is good for your health

Though it certainly shouldn’t be the most important aspect in deciding to marry, research suggests that it is good for your health.

…this is not just a matter of opinion, it’s the conclusion of research carried out by medical practitioners. The United States Centre for Disease Control (CDC) recently reported that married people are generally healthier than individuals who are single, widowed, divorced and even those living with a partner.

This report was based on the findings of a study, which was conducted over three years and involved 127,000 adults. Researchers found that persons who were married were less likely to suffer from health conditions such as back pain, headaches and psychological or stress-related disorders. Additionally, they were less likely to smoke, drink heavily or be physically inactive.

The CDC is not the only one promoting the idea of a strong link between “coupledom” and well-being. Dr Dean Ornish, president of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute in California has declared that there is scientific evidence that intimacy is a powerful tool for healing.

In his book, Love & Survival, Dr Ornish argues that “love and intimacy are the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing”.

Read the full story (Jamaica Observer)

New Love and Sex Guide for Teenagers

The Scottish Family Planning Association has published a booklet for young teenages which provides key advice on “love, sex and relationships”.

It acknowledges the many mixed messages that teens get from family, friends and the media, and wants to provide clear information to help them make sense of it.

It goes beyond the ‘biological basics’ taught in many schools.

The Family Planning Association (FPA) today published a new booklet for young teenagers which provides key advice on “love, sex and relationships”.

The booklet, produced in accordance with national curriculum personal sex health education guidelines, provides information on topics including sexuality, body image, emotions and sexual attraction and behaviour.

The charity hopes the guide aimed at teenagers aged 13 to 16-years-old, will “help young people cope with the realities of relationships”.

Read the full article (Scotsman)

Leading Online Relationship Service Applies Scientific Research to the Healthy Fear of Commitment in Dating Relationships

The online dating agency ‘True.com’ has scientifically observed the many reasons singles and ‘casual’ couples fear commitment. It looks at some of these reasons, and concludes that fear of commitment can be a healthy warning sign to couples that need to slow down in order to assess their expectations.

Recent stories of runaway brides such as Jennifer Wilbanks of Georgia, eternal bachelors like George Clooney, pseudo bachelorettes like Angelina Jolie, and on again/off again-ers like Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, reinforce common beliefs that fear of commitment is widespread, fatal to relationships, and may be most prevalent in men.

As a relationship develops, one or both participants may want to escalate the relationship to the next level, such as moving in together, introducing the significant other to family and friends, agreeing to date exclusively, saying “I love you,” or even walking down the aisle. Often one of the barriers preventing relationships from progressing is fear. True.com’s scientific research shows that fear — the threat of becoming emotionally invested in a relationship or becoming vulnerable — can be a healthy sign.

“Relationship fears signify potential threats to our emotional health. This is why people often deal with fear of commitment with the classic ‘fight or flight’ response,” says Dr. Jim Houran, chief psychologist for True.com. “Growth in a relationship often leads to healthy apprehension, and these pauses help us pace our relationships. But unfortunately, many people become so threatened that they engage in constant fighting in an attempt to push the other person away or they leave the relationship to avoid confronting the real issues at hand.”

True.com’s research reveals that the typical themes that flood someone with fear of commitment follow a chain.

Read the full article (Yahoo)

High level of abuse reported among teens who date

A survey released today finds abuse crosses all socio-economic and geographic boundaries. The research sponsored by the Liz Claiborne company find more than half of those surveyed report having friends who experienced verbal, physical or sexual abuse while dating.

Read the short article (Associated Press)

Men should pay attention to the ‘little stuff’

Dr Bob Gottfried provides advice to men who have applied the “don’t sweat the small stuff” paradigm to their romantic relationships.

He has recently launched a free online “crash communications course” available at www.deeperdimension.com.

The doctor‚Äôs prescription: follow the “4 A‚Äôs” of effective communication, and avoid a fifth “A”.

Attend. Pay attention to how your partner feels, and encourage her to discuss her emotions.

Acknowledge. Listen to what she is saying, and acknowledge what she is feeling.

Accept. Accept how she is feeling, without trying to change her mood or her mind.

Affirm. Tell her you support her. Ask if you can help, and follow her directions. If she says, “I‚Äôd rather deal with it myself,” accept and affirm her decision.

Advice. Avoid unsolicited advice, especially when given in the form of “should” - e.g., “You should tell your friend what you really think of her.” This is usually interpreted as criticism, judgment and arrogance.

Read the full article (Moneyplans.com)

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